To be feeling this way?...

[LonelyandLost89]

I don't really know what I'm after but I need to just let this out.

I'm a 27 year old single mother with two kids, aged 3 and 1. They are my life and my life would be incomplete without them. However, I am starting to feel really suffocated as I can't be left alone for two minutes. My daughter (1 yo) is at that really clingy stage and she follows me everywhere and if she can't see me she'll scream the house down and my son (3 yo) also follows me everywhere.

Up until recently I was working part time for 6 months at a top law firm and was really enjoying it and had made some really good friends. As I was working shifts between 7.30am and 10pm, my children's father used to stay on my sofa so he could take/collect the children to/from their childminders (he works 5 mins from my house and the childminders) depending on the time I started/finished work.

I am not with my children's father (have not been for a year and a half). About just over a month ago we had a huge argument/physical altercation. After we had the argument we mutually agreed that he should not stay at my house and I told him that when I started work early he would have to take the children to their childminders from his house or when I finished late, collect them and take them to his house. He refused to do this, and as a result I had to resign from my job as there is no one else that could help me.

We recently came up with the arrangement to have the children on alternate weekends (this was the first time I had a whole weekend to myself in 3 years). The arrangement is fine but I am currently studying to become a legal secretary so the days when I have the weekends to myself I am constantly doing work.

I feel so down and so stressed out. I feel like my independence has been taking away from me just like that. I have been looking for jobs but have found nothing suitable. And I am now limited to what hours I can work due to me not having any help. I just feel like I want go away for a while.

I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I'm failing as a parent as I just want to be on my own.

Sorry the post is so long. Thank you for listening x

Of course you are not being unreasonable to feel this way. Saying it doesn't make you a bad Mum and doesnt mean you don't love them.
The only answer I can give you is that it does get easier as they get older, especially when they start school.

Sounds like you need a break OP. Are you financially ok to take a break from studying, even if for a very short while, just to get some weekends in for yourself and recharge your batteries?

Thank you for your lovely comments.

Polly unfortunately I can't take a break from the studying as at the moment I am doing exam preparation so it has to be done.

I feel like my life is such a mess at the moment. And I feel resentment towards my children's father for putting me in this position re work. I wish I could book a holiday and just go away for a while .

I understand how you feel I have a 2.5. Year old and my dp works away 6 days a week and so I'm mostly alone. I found what helps me is getting my child into a routine and in bed nice and early so that even when you have a bad day you can think I've only got till there bed time and I can relax etc.

Also are you getting enough sleep I know this is hard with two children but the more tired you are the more you will get fed up with it all. The more organised you are i.e. House organised, money organised, plan each day the night before it defiantly helps with your mental health and wellbeing.

If your coping financially ok at the moment then stop worrying about work and just study.

But if you need work then you need to be realistic and find any job with suitable hours and not be picky at all

And you do get used to being on your own with the children it took me about four months and now I am totally independent with him here or away.

You need to try and not think about how your ex can help you and just do it alone or it will stress you out more. If you ever become stable and happy then he pops back on and says he can help with childcare then say no you sort your own out thanks

Just want to add I work part time (20 hours)

I have been a legal secretary and a medical secretary and haven't had to study for either. It was all on the job learning. What sort of studying are you doing?

LoriD thanks for your comments. To be honest I don't feel like I get enough sleep as a lot of the time I have broken sleep or have to be up early to take my son to nursery/childminders. I feel like I haven't slept properly for weeks! My children are in a routine regarding sleep as I aim to get them in bed by 8pm.

I'm not the sort of person to rely on people, I've always been independent but where I was working shifts, I had to rely on my ex to help out. I'm just mad that his selfishness has left me without a job and that I had been indirectly forced to quit my job. I'm now looking for a job which has standard office hours so I don't have to rely on anyone but am finding it really hard to find anything.

ShuttyTown I'm study CILEx Level 3 for Legal Secretaries as nowadays a lot of law firms look for a CILEx qualification for trainee/junior secretary roles. My plan was to stay in the firm I was working at until a trainee PA role came along but now that's gone out the window.

Ah ok, times change I suppose. Such a shame they don't offer on the job training from scratch anymore then. Good luck with your study