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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate this so much

19 replies

CommunistLegoOoOoBloc · 19/03/2017 20:16

I know IABU. But I can't help it.

DP is a doctor in a hospital. I work from home, mostly. So far this week (Sunday to Sunday) I've seen him for two hours. This is not abnormal. His hospital is short staffed, he is conscientious and he has a lot of patients. I get it. But I'm so fucking lonely. I'm so sick of pretty much every weekend passing by just seeing the odd friend or a family member. I'm so sick of never being able to go to events with him or commit to plans because of his rota. I'm so sick of begging him to leave on time because we've got something booked and then ending up sitting alone again because of an emergency. Even when he is here, he's so tired that even normal conversation isn't really possible.

I can't even complain, can I? Because it's not like he's trying to be late and I'd be a pretty terrible person to react badly when he's late home because someone has been dangerously ill and he's been dealing with it.

But I hate it. I can't see a future with children in it because he just couldn't be the father I'd want and need him to be...

The NHS is fucked and I'm being a dick thinking about how much it is affecting my social life, but still. Argh.

OP posts:
SanitysSake · 19/03/2017 20:18

You're not being unreasonable. It's hard - because it's not his fault.

I feel for you x

TurnipCake · 19/03/2017 20:24

You sound at the end of your tether Flowers

I'm a hospital doctor and frequently finish late if someone has been unwell or a clinic has overrun. In the last 3 years I've had to take time off sick because of burnout. I don't currently live with my OH but it will involve of lots of late finishes etc once we do

Tbh on a weekday I wouldn't have much planned other than self care e.g. a massage and I think that's true for lots of other professions.

Does he day yes to lots of occasions and events? If so you both may need to do a lot of cutting back and decide what you'll be prepared to say yes to

highinthesky · 19/03/2017 20:25

OP, isn't your DH given his rota a month in advance?

As for additional time, is it really unpaid (which is taking the p), or has DH taken on additional responsibilities for more money? The chances are he needs to study to progress, so it's never going to be an easy life for either of you. Accept that you need to create your own circle of friends.

It's time to sit down and start planning your future together properly.

Hotheadwheresthecoldbath · 19/03/2017 20:26

This depends where he is in his training and speciality.Doctors marry doctor's,both working shifts and make it work,planning is key and it gets easier as Drs go up the grades(except coming up to exams).
You need to talk and you need to decide what you want and if it is achievable in the short term,if not....?

Softkitty2 · 19/03/2017 20:26

Is he still doing his registrar training? Dare i say it but once he becomes a consultant hopefully he will have more of a home life..

highinthesky · 19/03/2017 20:29

TurnipCake what you describe is a sad reality.

It pisses me off that the NHS is so utterly disrespectful of its workforce, rather than looking after it. NHS Employers? What a joke!

Original poster
CommunistLegoOoOoBloc · 19/03/2017 20:33

He won't be a consultant for a long time

I have my own friends. I have hobbies and I can entertain myself, it's just pretty miserable at times. I want to spend time with him, not just friends and family.

He gets rotas in advance but it makes little
difference. They're always brutal and his work always overruns. Then there's exam
revision, portfolio stuff...

He doesn't say yes to many things. I organise our social life. By which I mean 'well we'd love to come but I'll have to let you know about DP nearer the time...' He's too busy and exhausted to do much with his own friends tbh.

He is not paid for the extra hours.

OP posts:
TurnipCake · 19/03/2017 20:35

Yep. Colleague has always said if staff claimed for the overtime they worked, NHS would be gone in a week.

Original poster
CommunistLegoOoOoBloc · 19/03/2017 20:36

Flowers to you, Turnip. I do really, really appreciate all NHS staff. I'm just being selfish and grumpy.

OP posts:
TurnipCake · 19/03/2017 20:37

OH often goes to events alone, friends are now used to it and to be honest, after working a weekend or nights, all I want is quality time with him and I make that a priority

TurnipCake · 19/03/2017 20:40

Its fine to feel selfish and grumpy :) he is your OH after all. He needs to make sure that rota coordinators don't take the piss, I had to say no to a lot of things in the past as they were taking advantage, the balance is a lot better now

Robin7 · 19/03/2017 20:52

I'm a medic married to a medic (both hospital specialities), currently on mat leave with first child. It's not easy (and the new contract will make it worse Angry) but it's doable if you're able to be pretty independent (or have other family support nearby). My OH is a fab dad - his hours might limit the amount of family time we have, but he makes it count when he is. Better than those dads who are around 24-7 but v little help at all!
I've often thought it must be hard for non-medic OHs though - I get frustrated, and I've been the person 2 hours late home myself, if I hadn't I think it would be even harder to empathise Flowers

Robin7 · 19/03/2017 20:55

Plus, working from home must magnify it - if we're both at work and he's later back than me I don't notice much. If I've been in all day with the baby I notice every minute! I think keeping busy (with fun stuff, not just work) is the only way not to be driven mad by it!

scottishdiem · 19/03/2017 21:00

If you work from home can you at least do some work in a cafeteria at the hospital for a day for he can come see you on breaks? I used to work from home a lot and sometimes even met DP in passing on train rides.

Beachballl · 19/03/2017 21:04

My dp isn't a dr however works in public sector as do I. I understand how you are felling I've have many events on my own I was hard when the dd and ds were young. It's been hard

Beachballl · 19/03/2017 21:08

Posted too soon - hard with out family support friendships lost although not worth it. But we are getting through it. I get used to doing lots of things on my own

FeralBeryl · 20/03/2017 00:49

Oh OP it's shite isn't it Sad
It's the guilt you feel for feeling pissed off when you know they aren't out having fun.

It's the burnt dinners, missed Christmases, ruined dates. But think of the bigger picture.
It's also doable with loads of children Grin
You adapt, they don't know any other life so it's normal for them.

I am lucky in the fact that this was my old life in the NHS so have insight into the fact that you just can't leave a lot of the time.

You cannot rely on them for childcare 'after' work as very often you'll get a random nurse ringing you to tell you they'll be another 2 hours when you're all ready to leave for an activity with friends.

You just have to try your best to make the best of the guaranteed time you have together.
It's an incredibly stressful path for them to follow but very rewarding, and eventually, it does get slightly better.
FlowersWine

TisMeTheLadFromTheBar · 20/03/2017 01:11
Flowers
Jux · 20/03/2017 01:48

You're not being in the slightest bit unreasonable. What Jeremy Hunt, for instance, is a twat those idiots in the Government have imposed on junior doctors is outrageous.

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