WIBU to be upset?

[endlesshousecrap]

Have namechahged for this, obvs.

Live in a largeish house. Not a mansion by any means but about twice the size of an average 3 bed semi. This is by no means a stealth boast, the house is hard work to maintain, it's not old but lots of jobs were only half done in the first place so I'm working my way round as I can. I have 2 DC in their teens, and work Ft. So finding time for anything is difficult. I have no family aside from DC, and no support other than my OH of 3 years. Which can be tough, although I acknowledge others have it worse than me.

There's a specific task I was hoping to get completed over the next couple of months. I have money put aside to pay the company for materials and labour. However I knew there was a certain amount of prep work that needed to be done first (which the company can't do). I had thought OH and I could complete it. We went over it today, and he said he couldn't do it. Tbh he didn't need to say that, as I knew it was beyond me, it's a weeks work at least, and I wouldn't manage it.

Which means I need to get someone else to do it. Fine you'd think, but getting a job done round here is a bloody nightmare, whether skilled or unskilled. Getting 10 people to quote (and having to come home early, or wfh so they can get to you) then waiting for quotes and maybe getting 1 response, if that's too high or suspiciously low starting the whole process again. It's so disheartening.

I've been trying to get someone to fix a leak in my shower for a year without success. Its not just me, I made an insurance claim last year for some minor damage, the insurers have been trying since Dec to get a quote from any of their tradesmen!

So every time I have a job I have to get someone in for, my heart sinks. Today I started thinking about this, and all the other jobs that need doing, and started crying. I feel so alone with all this - my house, my responsibility I get it, but I'm just sick of being the adult all the time. My parents died 2 decades ago, and without siblings it really is very hard. I don't think you can understand that unless you've been there.

Whilst I'm crying, OH decides that I'm clearly having a dig at him because he couldn't do the prep task, and tells me I'm making him feel bad. I knew the prep work was beyond us both, him saying he couldn't do it wasn't a surprise, I'd realised that once I saw what needed doing. I just feel sad and overwhelmed. I said I wasn't trying to make him feel bad, and wasn't i allowed to be upset?

He said he wouldn't stay to be made to feel he was in the wrong, so went home. I didn't tell him to go but didn't ask him to stay either...

So have I behaved unreasonably?

what is the 'big outdoor task'? is it to do with trees and felling? are you landscapings? fencing? can you let us know? might be able to recommend ppl?

The outside work isn't complicated, basically clearance and levelling, laying a concrete slab base, in theory there should be loads of people able to it. But in reality I know it will take forever to get quote, and also it's YET another thing I have to do, and I'm just sick of all of it.

Any farmers nearby that could do at least the clearing and levelling for you?

Concrete slab (and groundworks generally) are utter sods to do right.

My builder was great for us - we put little jobs on that and found people for the bigger jobs. We got the plumber in for a gas safety check and ended up using him for 3 new bathrooms.

I don't see how being upset can in it's self be unreasonable. It's not like a stance you've taken, or an decision you've made, it's an emotional response, and we are often/ usually not in control of those.

Just to play devils advocate here. Your partner saw you get upset over the garden job and felt it was because he couldn't do it. He's wrong but did you actually give him the info you've given us?
You cried because you're at your wits end with tradespeople letting you down, because you still keenly feel the loss of your support network and because it was the last straw. I completely understand all of that because of your previous posts. But maybe it wasn't that clear to him and he felt you were being over the top?
Give him a ring and tell him how you feel.
I sympathise with builders etc. It's taken me months to get three round and I still don't actually have a quote. If selling up isn't an option then do keep plugging away. Your luck will change eventually. Hope tomorrow is better.

I can understand you getting upset as it is really frustrating and when you can't find anyone to help you wonder how it's ever going to get done.

If it has happened more than once though (you thinking you can do the job yourself) I can also appreciate your OH getting a bit frustrated if you've over-estimated repeatedly. Reading your OP, it is difficult to understand how the job seemed doable then it wasn't.

He also thought he/ we could do it. We just hadn't quite appreciated the scale of what would need doing. When we actually had a good look and measured everything today, it was clearly more than we could do within the time we have.

For the whole time we've been together I've been in the same position with the house, and everything else. He knows how much time I've spent getting quotes, and that everything is 1 step forward, 2 back. He knows I've been trying to get the shower fixed for a year now. I have also said more than once I feel overwhelmed by everything, having to work Ft, run a house, a family. It's hard doing it all.

I don't know anyone locally that's paid anyone to do similar, anyone who has had this kind of thing done has relied on family.

Not remotely related to house diy etc but i had this today from my partner - why are we not allowed to be upset or angry about a situation? Mine is all 'what do you want me to do about it?' And actually i didnt want him to do anything i just wanted him to let me be upset!! Sorry - rant.

Is it time-critical? If it is something you can do, can't you do it gradually instead?

IIRC he wants you to sell the house - it would certainly remove a lot of your problems! It is hard to do it all.

I'll be honest. I've never had that much difficulty getting a quote from anyone. Literally never. Just last month I had six tradesmen give me quotes within two day. As for the carpet, you were quoted £75, just have a quick check with other tradies before declining fitting. I'm not saying you're being unreasonable at being upset but something in your posts is making me feel like maybe your partner isn't unreasonable. It reads as stressful and you being keen to get things done cheaper, which isn't wrong, but I can see how if you're constant with that way of thinking it could get tiring.

I'm gobsmacked that in a year you can't get one person in to give you a quote for fixing a shower...

I know exactly how you feel. I've got no family close by and my heart sinks when I need to get someone in. I find mybuilder.com better than rated people. Your story about the carpet is interesting. I was quoted £250 to lay Lino in a small bathroom. It's a half hour job. I'll do it myself.

Mini, I also feel sometimes that I'm in the wrong for being upset. If I'm honest I'd like him to take some stuff off my never bloody ending to do list, but it doesn't seem to work like that. But it's not his house, not his responsibility. Like everything, it's down to me.

I just add it to everything else I have to sort out, all these house things, my cars MOT is due April so I've got to find somewhere new to take it as the last 2 places overcharged/ ripped me off, I have to remortgage shortly and resolve an existing complaint before I do, sort out my younger DCs 6th form application, resolve my insurance claim. And do 1001 work tasks too, this is of course just what I can remember!

Taking longer to do it, whilst logistically possible (there's no imperative to finish it asap) he simply doesn't think physically either of us could do whats needed, so that's that.

I'm feeling pretty defeated by the whole thing, and very envious of having someone, be it partner, family, or a paid and trusted builder/ handyman who at least I could leave all the 'house' stuff with so I had brain space for the rest.

Paul, a shop said £75. I thought I could probably get it cheaper, as the last carpet I had fitted cost me £50.

I contacted a local 'no job too small' handyman. I thought he might be someone I could use in future for other jobs. However, he wanted £150!

I then found a specialist carpet fitter who said £50, and came the next day. Great, job done. Sadly the rest isn't so simple.

Re shower - I can't remember how many people I've contacted, a lot. I've had maybe 5 in total actually look at the work, lots more said they'd come and then never showed. 3 of the 5 never got back to me. One said he didn't want the job and the other wouldn't give me a figure because he wanted me to cut a hole in the ceiling below first so he could assess the problem.

I can never seem to find anyone in our area on my Builder. And no one is ever prepared to travel more than 5 miles. Will have another look. No response yet to posts on FB groups for local recommendations.

Did hear from OH last night, he doesn't understand why I was upset.