To be unsure whether to reestablish contact with sister who cut me off

[wrappedupinmyselflikeaspool]

Hi, first time I've started a thread here.
My younger sister dumped me by email about 10 years ago after an argument. To say I was heartbroken is an understatement. We had a difficult upbringing with an alcoholic mother who often neglected us and put us at risk. My older sister was of an age where she could go out and escape so it fell to me to take care of her quite often. As a result she felt more like my child than my sister.
The pain at the time was unbearable. I actually did contemplate taking my own life quite seriously. I have two DS one small at the time so thankfully I didn't act on this impulse. When she fell out with me she was pregnant and I thought she might just be feeling emotional/finding it difficult and things would sort themselves out but she would not talk to me properly about what the problem was and still hasn't/won't. As far as I know, she fell out with me because I was cross with her about something she did that was pretty thoughtless. Just normal stuff really. So it seems maybe it was an excuse to cut me off and this had been building for a while. What's really confusing though is that she had always been really affectionate and loving, coming to my house regularly, telling me all her problems, sharing her successes etc.
There was a fashion around then to go 'no contact' or call people toxic and cut them off and I wonder if this was part of that. She was going through some stuff herself and I took the brunt?
She said at the time I was a bully. That really hurt. I definitely had too much of the parent in our relationship but bully's want to hurt people and I would have taken a bullet for her. If it I was true that I was bossing her around, which is entirely possible, why was she always visiting me and asking for advice? I'd love to have an actual proper talk about this maybe with relate? But she doesn't was to resolve the problem and doesn't want me it seems.
The first year or so I tried to keep some contact going with cards and presents etc. but after bursting into tears in the post office while wrapping a Christmas present for my little niece who I'd only seen once or twice I wondered if I ought to start protecting myself from the pain. Since then I haven't bothered and always hoped she might contact me at some point but ten years have passed.
She once sent me a business card to tell me that she's set herself up as an 'energy healer' I think because she thought I might need some healing (?) this made me feel slightly better because if she's a bit of a crank maybe I don't need to take it to heart so much but still, I miss her. Or I miss who I thought she was, because maybe I was wrong about that? No idea whether to just let the situation continue or try to resolve it. More pain for me maybe? She doesn't want to see me or she'd ask. Any thoughts or advice are much appreciated

Don't you know that mumsnet is never objective and will always take the side of the awkward person, look for special needs, look for something to be offended about and look for racism

There's a post on Gransnet about the cult of going no contact or something, try that you may find it interesting.

I realise you're upset because she stopped talking to you, but there are any number of reasons why or why not that may be appropriate.
I don't think you need the people of AIBU to agree that it's unfair (just as well really!) the facts remain the same - she does not want a relationship with you. And even if you knew exactly why she feels like that, you wouldn't even then be in a position to change her mind about it.
It's been 10 years - this isn't just about the original reason any more, you're different people now. I think you need to reframe the problem in order to address it.

Huldra thank you so much, and oh my goodness! Yes, very interesting reading. I did think when i got the email that it all sounded like she'd read it somewhere. Didn't sound like her words somehow. Also didn't know there was a Gransnet so...

While I'm here, the person who said I abused her because I shouted down the phone at her, are you seriously telling me that you have never in your life shouted at someone dear to you through anger and frustration? Yes of course its unacceptable to shout at people, but its only abuse if it's habitual, and it certainly wasn't. Also unacceptable to be so passive aggressive that you refuse to communicate with someone when they are trying to communicate with you and I'd say pretty abusive to keep that up for ten years! We all do our best but human failure is best resolved through interaction not refusal.

She isn't being passive agressive, she has ended the relationship, the same way someone might with a partner or friend. That's her right. You can't change that, it sounds like sounds like she gave you warnings and explaination just that you are dismissing them. Being a blood relative doesn't give you any entitlement to be in her life if she doesn't want you to be. Nothing you can do about that & you would be unreasonable to try to contact her when she has made her boundaries clear.

Wow! Your posts read like ones I've seen on out of the fog and other similar sites.

It's not cowardly, it's a bloody hard decision to make, people agonise over it. You have no right to expect a relationship with her at all. She doesn't owe you one.

People who have been cut out of the lives of others often claim they don't know why, or that the person who has gone Nc. The reality is often very different.

I remember (but can't find now, it was a while ago) a cut off mother came onto a site to argue that her daughter had no reason to cut her off. It became a very long thread.

The mother kept maintaining this PoV DESPITE presumably accidentally putting in her own posts some damn good reasons ANYONE would cut her off.

Even when the main site mod questioned her on her contradictions, and the daughter recognised her and put HER side of events (which was truly shocking and which the mother again I suspect accidentally admitted/confirmed) she still would NOT accept that Nc was a valid necessary choice for her daughter.

It's possible to verbally/emotionally abuse someone without ever raising your voice.