Is it normal to just feel fed up with your OH sometimes?

[civilfawlty]

Nothing is catastrophic. No violence or anything. Just a list of things which are really frustrating and hard to live with. And I can't figure out whether it's normal, or I've married the wrong man, or I'm just not suited to being married. Because it makes me feel suffocated and frustrated. Things like:

He is moody. If he doesn't eat, but also if he is tired or things just don't go his way. We all get moody, of course. But he doesn't ever filter or remove himself. He just inflicts his moods on everyone around him. And they are very black. Sometimes he looks at me, or the kids, with such loathing. I'm not sure he gets the impact of his behaviour. And this makes me upset, when he accuses me of being grumpy.

He is a nightmare of anyone is ill.
Completely unable to offer sympathy or empathy. But if HE is ill - the world is crashing down. Even for the most pathetic of reasons.

He is rude. Sometimes I'll speak, and he just won't reply. It might be calling out to have a nice day or somesuch. And his table manners are rubbish - never passes anything round, just takes what he wants and starts eating. Even if we have people over for lunch (ie, not just when it "doesn't count").

I write it down and it sounds pathetic. But I actually dread weekends, because a day can include all of those behaviours and be so fucking depressing.

When we're happy, it's great.

So - is this normal, this sense of just not being entirely happy in a relationship all the time. Or have I completely cocked up?

No one is perfect all the time and it's ok to have bad moods and yes I get fed up and he gets fed up with me but looking with loathing at you and youbdreading spending time with him seems a fair bit beyond normal.

Was he always like this?
What do you get out of the relationship?
Do you want to stay with him?

It doesn't sound great tbh. From your description, am not surprised you dread weekends.

What does he say when you tell him how this behaviour makes you feel?

How often is he like this? It's ok to be grumpy every now and then, but if it's happening frequently then that's miserable for everyone.

Actually he sounds emotionally abusive. It's normal to experience a bad mood. It's not normal to make everyone else miserable/ nervous as a result.
He's an adult. He knows what he is doing.
He expresses no sympathy / empathy if someone is ill. He doesn't care then does he. But happy to be the centre of attention. That is a narcissistic trait (not that he's narcissistic but it's normal adult behaviour to express some acknowlegement when people are not well).
Not bothering to reply and not bothering to maintain civility at the table. He doesn't respect his family much.

Put it to him very clearly that these are flaws he needs to work on because the lack of respect it's obvious and hurtful. You shouldn't need to say it. He's being an arse, call him on it. If you feel you can't communucatr together then it's pointless (he has sufficiently manipulated to to just do as he wants) you need to get out.

If you were saying those behaviors aren't frequent and it's occasional (forgetting the table manners as they could be due to upbringing), I'd say it were very normal although not desirable traits.

To have to live with that all the time isn't healthy. You need to stop waking on eggshells and talk about it. Hopefully he hasn't realised and will work on it.

He sounds very self centred. I think anyone would be fed up living with someone like that.

I would say yes it'd normal to get fed up with your oh occasionally but for the love of pete, he sounds an absolute dick

I couldn't live with , what is he t teaching your kids??

Complete spoilt princess dick head.

Oh God, you could be describing mine, he is ok 80% of the time but he has all the poor qualities you describe, even down to the table manners.
In a nutshell, he puts himself first and lacks empathy, grace or awareness.

I had to really blow up at him a couple of years ago and it got better, now it's slipping again.
I'm not sure I have the energy to keep on with a 53 year old teenager, (I don't mean to disrespect fabulous teens, but some are Kevin and Perry) it's really not attractive.

Yes, he sounds very selfish and self indulgent. Spell it out to him. maybe counselling, then if nothing changes, end it.

Unfortunately it sounds quite familiar, not all of it, but some.

You need to put your foot down, but you also need to disconnect and set a good example. Basically you need to act like he is someone you work with. It's no good bottling it all up and ending up having a meltdown, you need to see it as negotiations and have a strategy so that you get as much of what you want as possible. So keep yourself distanced to the problems when you have "the talk" and be proactive.

Say things like "When you do x, to me it feels like x." in a calm, disconnected, but polite tone. You need to get his attention, not have a row.

But above all, keep your head high. Be the adult. Avoid conflict, it will not make you happier long term. Think of what you want as a goal. If you rant just to vent, you are no better.

Thanks for the replies. I think it's hard to know where being a dick stops and something more troubling begins.

My strategy has been mirroring and explaining/ or removing myself. So - if he can't be kind when others are ill, then I can't nurture him when he is. I'm not awful, I don't ignore him. I just don't look after him in the way I'm naturally inclined to. Then, later, I try to explain how it makes me feel, and how important it is. Last night, he was just fucking rude. So I went to bed. Because I don't want to be around this level of crap.

It doesn't work. And it's hard to be jolly in the face of a mood.

Urgh

It does sound like you are being very cool about it and that you have really tried. And there is a limit to how much you should put up with.

Do you ever go away for a few days? Give yourself a break? Sometimes physical distance can be a welcome thinking break. I mean for both of you.

It does sound like it's time for ultimatums. Couples therapy? As he is unlikely to think there is anything wrong with him. But surely he can't be happy.

Ultimatum time.

Counselling or bust. His behaviour really is unacceptable. He might enjoy his moods but you don't and why should you tolerate that?

He's not normal.
i doubt he'll change at all - so it would be end of the line for me and I'd tell him that we're done. over.

Honestly, you're describing my Dh too. I've had to have very serious words with him recently. We have a ds with asd and the two of them are very similar, I honestly think Dh is probably on the spectrum. Which doesn't excuse his behaviour, but does explain it. He needs it pointing out to him when he's being a dick, and when he realises it he does feel bad. The hunger one is the one that bothers me most. It feels so childish but I know a lot of people apparently do get very grumpy when they're hungry.