To think even if I wanted to I could not leave my husband

[thesunstillshines]

We have been finding things difficult since having DC but even if we wanted to split AIBU to think we couldn't.

Reasons are

I have no family to help. As in, no one at all, so if I got ill my children would be taken into foster care.
Money, even splitting everything down the middle we would both be left without basic things
Our lives are now always linked due to dc

Or aibu

You dont need family help. If you require childcare for work you will have help from the government as a lone parent.

If you fell ill the kids could go stay with their dad for a bit while you recover.

You share kids so yes your lives will always be linked. But you can still be on your own.

Wouldn't their dad take them if you got ill?

why would they be taken into foster care if they've got a dad in the picture plus maybe inlaws too?

People split up all the time and manage, money isn't a reason to stay together

Its difficult but doable. You do have to be a coper. I was rushed into hospital and the DC's went into foster care for 2 weeks. They were fine.

There are 3 things you need to sort out;
Housing
Income/benefits/maintenance
Job

If any of those are insecure its hell. People need secure homes and proper job contracts.

No no inlaws. I think dh would prob move abroad if we split. Housing, income and jobs would all be insecure. It's not just money. I mean it's part money but also a load else.

I am foreign, still have quite an accent after 25 years, get very often ill, do not have relatives,... and somehow we manage.
You will find new friends, who will help you. You will encounter generosity from most unexpected places. Yes, there are very tough times too, but you will be better off at the end.

It may well be a bit shit at times if you left him.

But the bigger question is: How shit are things now?

You're asking a question you wouldn't ask if all was well, so how bad is it? That will modify how bad it will feel if you left.

I thought I'd never cope if I left exH. 2 years down the line we're coping just fine. It's tough at times but we manage. Eventually I got to the point where I couldn't continue in our marriage any further.

Any woman can leave any man any time she wants to.
It might not be easy or glamorous but it is possible and there is help.
womens aid is just one of those helpers out there.

This is a very odd post OP.

I've been ill many times and I'm sure all parents have been ill at times. Children don't get taken into foster care just because you're ill.

Do you really not have anyone? Where are your friends?

I think you still could if you actually wanted to. Lots of people are single parents without support networks but as PP said getting benefits (if eligible)/housing/job in place beforehand is key.

I hope I don't sound like a total hypocrite but I feel like I couldn't leave if I wanted because DP and our DCs have a great relationship and as DP is from a country without an agreement on returning children kidnapped by a parent, us splitting would mean that DCs would lose contact with one of us. Since DP is not violent, I think that is too high a price to pay for an unfulfilling relationship.

I'm sorry you feel it's odd. No I don't have any friends who could take my children

If you require childcare for work you will have help from the government as a lone parent

Lol. That's hilarious.

Their dad would take them. Moving abroad doesn't stop him being their guardian 😳

Would your husband really move abroad? When would he see your children? Wouldn't he stay local for regular time with them?

I live in the UK and all my family is in South Africa. My ex alienated me from all my friends. I literally had not one single person to help me. But I left him, with only my DTDs and what clothes we could pack (with the help of the Woman's Refuge). We coped, we got through it, and our lives are much better away from him. He still sees them every weekend, but leaving him was the best thing I've ever done.

If your relationship is unhappy/abusive or whatever, you shouldn't stay in it on the off chance that you may get ill some day. Chances are you won't get ill. Whatever you decide - you can cope. It's not easy, but it's certainly possible.

Well the illness is just an example. But yeah i think he'd either take DC to canada or he'd live in canada and have a new family. Anyway I can't leave but just saying i don't think it's an option.

This is almost the same as another post last week.

thank you that's really helpful