To feel bewildered & lost at friends keeping secret about 15 year old son ?

[user1487450864]

STBXH & I have been separated for a while. It was very bitter & there is a lot of ill feeling between us.

I have 2 DS 18 & 15. The 15 year chose to live with his Dad as he didn't want him to be on his own & his Dad doesn't set any boundaries (I would) so he pretty much does what he wants. I see DS2 about 3 times a week for dinner etc & speak to him every day.

Last night I was having dinner with 2 of my closest friends. One of them says 'oh i have been meaning to say I have seen DS2 in the park next to my house for the past 2 weeks after school & he was been smoking pot'.
Friend 2 then says ' I've heard the rumours for over a year that he's regularly smoking it & sometimes before school & his name is always mentioned when the subject of pot comes up'

I was absolutely stunned & burst into tears. I feel such a failure as a mother that everyone else seems to know & I didn't as well as serious concern for DS2.

I sent a text to ex this morning saying what had happened and we need to discuss what to do. He said " oh I had chat with DS2 on Thursday and he said he does smoke it when he he stressed & we need to decide if I let him smoke it in the house or carry on smoking it in the park"

In the space of 12 hours I find out my son is a regular pot smoker, everyone else knows & I need to make a decision.

DP is furious with my friends - he said regardless if it was only a rumour they should have told me

I think you deal with the pot smoking before giving any brain space to your friends.

I think your ex is being ridiculous. I'm very pro adults making their own choices wrt drugs but regular use as a younger teenager is a very bad idea. I know it's impossible to ensure a kid has zero opportunity to use cannabis but I think we have a responsibility to limit it as much as possible- to aim for zero opportunity even knowing that's not achievable. Being 'cool parent' and thinking the only action necessary is thinking whether or not to let him smoke at home is shit.

I'd be pushing for him to move in with me, I think.

I agree with Squirmy65ghyg forget the friends for now. They have let you down and I would be furious and probably cut then out of my life.

BUT you do not know who you will need in future and you need all your reserves now to deal with this!

Agree with alltouchedout would push for son to return to family home especially if divorce not finalised yet.

Cannabis can have serious and nasty side affects on mental health and you and your STBX need to get clued up together on how to deal with this.

Rather than going down the blame route (much as I think you have a right to!) I would initially enlist your STBX in fighting this together!

Is there any way your son can cone back to live with you? The cannabis use is a sign to me your ex has failed your son greatly. If he recognises this could he agree to encourage son to come back to you or perhaps stay where he is on basis of no more drugs?

The very thought your STBX wants to allow this illegal drug in his home shows to me he is not really fit to care for a child BUT it may be he feels it will be easier to control if it is is at home. If so, I doubt it will. I think the lad will just do it at home and in the park!

I have no experience of this as a parent but as a teenager I smoked it a tiny bit and took a tablet, who knows what!

It was tied in with a set group of friends.

Can you get some help from charities and organisations how to deal with it?

Ideally, you need to get your son on side. Organisations may help you do this.

www.talktofrank.com/