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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that rekindling some old friendships is just hard work?

20 replies

tigerdriverII · 18/03/2017 10:05

I was part of a close friendship group at school. At 18 most of us went our own ways and drifted apart.

Nearly 40 (40!!! that can't be right) years later, by chance I got back in touch with Louise just before Christmas. We've exchanged lots of messages and it's all going well. Logistically it's a nightmare to meet up but we've planned to do so. All good.

Louise texted me a few days ago saying, amongst other things, she'd had coffee with Sarah, another member of the old friendship group, who lives quite near Louise. They'd got in touch a few years ago. Sarah was 'excited' that Louise and I had been in touch and Louise hoped I didn't mind but she passed on my details. We exchanged a couple of possible dates to meet up. All fine, in fact I was delighted.

Within seconds I had a nice text from Sarah and we had a chat. She would love to meet up etc etc. Sarah has much more flexibility in her working and family life than Louise or indeed me.

I'd already suggested those dates, so gave them to Sarah.

This is where it all gets tiresome. Sarah says she can do one of the dates : hooray! However she must check back with Louise. She instantly checks and says that Louise can't make it, can I suggest something else.

I say that I'll have a look at my diary, and get back to her but if she and I are free, why don't we go for a coffee? It would be so nice to catch up with her.

Sarah declines on the basis that she would feel bad not including Louise as she had been the one who put us in touch.

AIBU to think that all of this is just hard work? And also that meeting up 1-2-1 is less stressy than three way dynamics anyway?

I'm inclined just to drop the whole thing.

OP posts:
Knifegrinder · 18/03/2017 10:10

I was expecting some kind of insanely involved dynamic with old bullies reappearing and people having affairs with one another's husbands or something! No, I don't think this is hard work. So far the rekindling has been nice, and the only trouble it's caused you is that you've had to go and look at your diary again because a date doesn't suit everyone, and now you're cross because the person who can make it doesn't want to meet you alone, but to wait for the third party to be free.

Is there something else going on? Because this doesn't sound like anyone's definition of hard work or a reason to drop these new/old friends.

Original poster
tigerdriverII · 18/03/2017 10:15

Crikey, I don't mind checking my diary!Grin

No the tiresome bit is the having to faff around for three people to get together. Given I haven't seen them for so long I don't really care if we do or don't meet up. I just think that Sarah running about organising Louise's diary (that's how it came across to me) and assuming that Louise would be miffed at being left out is a bit, well, tiresome.

OP posts:
Knifegrinder · 18/03/2017 10:29

Well, I wouldn't do what Sarah is doing, and I would think it was insanely juvenile for Louise to feel 'left out', but you don't presumably know any more what the dynamic is between them these days. Maybe they're joined at the hip? Maybe Louise has form for getting arsy if she feels overlooked? Maybe Sarah has grown up into a very over-conscientious woman who spendsher days worrying about other people's feelings? Or maybe she feels slightly shy of a one-on-one with someone she hasn't seen in 40 years, and would prefer to backup of someone she already knows?

Knifegrinder · 18/03/2017 10:30

'prefer the backup' I meant.

I mean, I wouldn't rush around planning further dates like a military campaign either. Maybe suggest another one, and if that's equally complicated, tell them to sort it out, suggest dates they can make, and you'll let them know...

amprev · 18/03/2017 10:43

In my experience, people find the time for things that they really want to do. Without thinking I feel I constantly juggle different commitments and responsibilities according to the priorities that me and my family have. I got into a position last year where I got this juggling wrong for a time and I ended up very stressed and miserable because I seemed to spend my time racing around to meet up with people I didn't want to particularly spend my precious free time with, whilst having no time for people I do care for but I know are understanding when I tell them I'm too busy to see them. I had an epiphany around Christmas time and have gradually restored the balance and feel much less resentful and anxious now. I hate the feeling of having made plans and knowing you're in no way looking forward to the event at all. Occasionally I would have the euphoric moment when the other person cancels! Grin

I do it differently now - time is too precious to spend it doing stuff you're not bothered about. Sounds like you're not bothered about this reunion so just opt out with the truth about how you struggle to manage your commitments as it is so why don't they go ahead and make a plan and if you can join them you will.

Original poster
tigerdriverII · 18/03/2017 10:45

Good plan. And yes, all of the above things which of course I don't know might apply (and frankly if they do, they're welcome to it! I don't do fusspots).

I think the ball's in their court now anyway...

OP posts:
Original poster
tigerdriverII · 18/03/2017 10:47

amprev

Completely agree: and also agree that the truth (obviously presented palatably) is always best.

Ah well, the beautiful meeting that is not to be Grin

OP posts:
SlB09 · 18/03/2017 10:50

I would think this was hard work too! But my brain just thinks well if two of us are free well meet up and then all meet up later when all free. As previous said juvinile to not want to meet one without the other! Busy lives just get on with it!!

sonjadog · 18/03/2017 10:57

I don´t see a problem at all here. Just suggest another date, or say to them that they can find a few dates that suit both of them and then you can let them know if one of the them suits you. Job done.

PlacesToSee · 18/03/2017 11:25

Without wanting to necessarily challenge your perspective here (although I guess that's what I am doing! 😄), if I'm honest two things stand out. Firstly, that you have given so much headspace to a diary clash that appears to be because one of the group would rather meet as a threesome. Diary clashes are not unusual, even amongst close friends, and I wouldn't think preferring to meet with a third person with whom you have a shared history is unusual either. She's not saying she would never meet you alone, just that this first, and so rather significant, meeting in 40 years should be as a threesome because 'Louise' was involved in the instigation of contact.

The second thing that stands out is your possibly a teeny bit aggressive but certainly disdainful reference to not doing fusspots. Without getting into why you don't 'do' certain people, I don't really read a whole lot of fuss into what has transpired so far.

Are you overthinking things? Have you other reservations about the meeting? Is there something else niggling at the back of your mind else that might be making you feel a little bit uncomfortable or sensitive about the arrangements?

Original poster
tigerdriverII · 18/03/2017 13:01

PlacesToSee

You're not Sarah are youGrin

Points all taken. I just basically like an easy life and can't be doing with pussyfooting about.

Louise hadn't mentioned Sarah in our earlier conversations so my guess is that it's Sarah who doesn't want to be left out. She's certainly invested in Louise's diary. Hmm

Anyway, I'll let them crack on.

OP posts:
TreeTop7 · 18/03/2017 13:06

I think they're both excited about being back in touch, and keen to see you. It'll be nice when you eventually meet I'm sure!

The problem I found sometimes in these scenarios, is that once you've stopped reminiscing about sixth form/old boyfriends and exchsnging info about your jobs/OH/DC, there's not much left to say. That can feel disappointing.

Original poster
tigerdriverII · 18/03/2017 13:15

Definitely TreeTop: I've had that before and it becomes a duty friendship and is a drain.

Funnily enough, I've a couple of close friends who were rekindled school pals and who are now great friends and school never gets mentioned: too much to talk about.

OP posts:
Steinbeck · 18/03/2017 13:20

OP, it sounds like your heart just isn't really in it? In which I probably wouldn't bother Wink

JustDanceAddict · 18/03/2017 16:51

They probably want to meet as a threesome as less awkward. I rekindled a friendship n ally 6 years ago with someone who I had lost touch with/fallen out with I suppose in early 20s, after about 15 years at the time. Two of us hadn't spoken to this friend and my friend got in touch - they met & then we met and we all see each other regularly now with another old friend so it can work if it 'goes back' to the way it was. If we'd met and hadn't 'felt the love' we prob would've gone our separate ways again.

Original poster
tigerdriverII · 18/03/2017 19:55

Personally I think a threesome is more awkward!

I've decided just to leave it, let them make the running if they want to.

Life's funny isn't it?

OP posts:
Olddear · 18/03/2017 20:01

I'm with you OP.

Original poster
tigerdriverII · 18/03/2017 20:54

Bloody hell.

A MN first!

AIBU?

MN: not at all

OP: oh goody Grin

OP posts:
AllDaBoats · 18/03/2017 21:07

Set up a joint whatsapp group so it's easier to arrange dates.

aurorie11 · 18/03/2017 21:16

I've rekindled an old friendship, bumped into a friend W in a supermarket about 7 years ago, a year or two earlier W had bumped into another friend H from our old school friendship group.
Sometimes I see W with H, sometimes W without H or H without W.
I really treasure these friendship helped by us having children of similar ages, we can go 3-6 months without seeing each other, but we pick up where we left things off

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