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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That my sister has changed since meeting her dh

25 replies

Floss89 · 18/03/2017 09:58

My sister is married to an older man. We used to be so close up until they got married. I really feel he has changed her. When we had our dc at the same time I thought it would mean lots of outings together etc. Now we do still meet up but it is only ever when he is working or away with his hobby. I feel she is very restricted there is no way she will do anything unless it's evening time when the kids are in bed. She has a very comfortable lifestyle with him no money worries lovely holidays etc but I can't help feel it's at a price. Me and our other sister wanted all 3 of us to go away for a night but it's a no go for her as her dh 'may have something on'. It's like his plans and needs always come first. Also I have offered to mind her dc on many an occasion so she can have a break but it's always a no however his sister is allowed have them. I just feel like it's all his side and his way. Aibu to feel hurt that things have turned out this way? She never complains but I know she is frustrated by the limitations that are place her.

OP posts:
zzzzz · 18/03/2017 10:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Doyouwantabrew · 18/03/2017 10:06

Maybe she doesn't want a break from her kids! And of course she puts her partners needs above those of an adult sibling.

You are over invested in her life back off. Enjoy your own.

Original poster
Floss89 · 18/03/2017 10:09

OK thank you for the reply. Of course I would never expect her to put me above her own family. I also prioritise my own family. I am very mindful not to impose. I'm just a bit sad that we are not close like we once were. I guess I am comparing our relationship to that of my friends and their sisters.

OP posts:
WatchHowISoar · 18/03/2017 10:10

How do you know if she never says anything? Have you asked her and had a response you don't like?

To be fair, if her dh works away a lot or has a hobby then why would your sister not want to meet then? My dh work very long hours also what time off he has we bookmark as time for us.

It's hard to say if you are being unreasonable or not. Your sister could be frustrated and want to go away as you've said but without her posting here how can anyone tell? It could equally be that she isn't interested in holidaying with you both or having you babysit, she may even use her dh as an excuse. My close friend always was frustrated by her DP family and friends jokingly making under thumb and wearing the pants comments. Her dp was an introvert who prefered time with her, the kids or his best friend to the others.

zzzzz · 18/03/2017 10:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Darlink · 18/03/2017 10:13

I'd feel sad about this too.
I have a similar thing with my brother.
His wife never seems to let him
Out of her sight ! Confused

EweAreHere · 18/03/2017 10:13

Keep reaching out to her, OP.

She will need you if she ever gets strong enough to try to stand up for herself/leave him.

Original poster
Floss89 · 18/03/2017 10:13

OK thanks good to get an other perspective.

OP posts:
Chattymummyhere · 18/03/2017 10:15

Of course people change when they have partners and children it would be odd not too. It would be a bit cake and eating it to have a family but still live the life you had when single.

It's always the new partner who's blamed as well you see it on threads about dil's being evil and taking the son away when reality most of the time they just don't want to always be with their mother/father/siblings anyway as they have an adult life now not that of a child where everything is organised for them as opposed to by them.

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 18/03/2017 10:15

I know nothing about you, obviously, so don't take this the wrong way, but don't discount the idea that she may just not want to go away with you. I wouldn't ever go away with one of my sisters because I find her self-involved, hard work and quite boring, so I stick to seeing her 3 times a year for a few hours. I love her, but after a short while find I can't stand her company any longer. I'm not saying your sister feels the sam, but she may have her own reasons for not wanting too.

WatchHowISoar · 18/03/2017 10:17

Darlink maybe that's your brother choice? My friend gets looked on as the same but all of his older friends know that it's him not her. It's just that it's better for family and newer friends to think she's being controlling then he's just disinterested or happy with sparse contact.

I hope your brother isn't trapped in a controlling relationship. Maybe it's worth talking to him about it? Not accusing just testing the lay of the land?

WatchHowISoar · 18/03/2017 10:18

He is a selfish bugger much as he's loved.

Original poster
Floss89 · 18/03/2017 10:20

Thanks. I hope I didn't come across like I wanted her to meet me and go out all the time. I'm talking about very occasional things like once every 6 months. I work full time and have 2 kids so I wouldn't have time for much more myself. I don't think it's that she doesn't like me because we were very close and still have good chats. I know she is frustrated because she told our mother this. Thanks everyone for replying.

OP posts:
Chattymummyhere · 18/03/2017 10:21

My sil would properly say the same about my dh and me. The thing she doesn't see is that if we are invited somewhere and I don't want to go I tell him to go alone/take the children whatever but he always says no. She keeps inviting us to go see her house but I've no interest in seeing a partly decorated house I say you go I will stay home with the kids. Does he go? Nope because he cannot be bothered to go.

Fabellini · 18/03/2017 10:23

I never see or hear from dsis any more. She has been in a relationship with someone for a couple of years now, and it seems to be all consuming.
Prior to this relationship she had a short lived and unhappy marriage, I stayed close with her through all that.
We are not young (40s and 50s), and have always spent lots of time together, gone on holiday, shopping trips, gigs, events....
I don't understand what's changed, and I miss her terribly. I've seen her twice in the last year, and once was dhs funeral.
I don't know if her dp doesn't like me - although I don't really think that would be fair as we've only met a handful of times - or if she herself just can't be bothered any more, but she's not one for talking about stuff, and I'm fairly sure if I asked her, she'd say everything was fine and she was just busy.
Blush sorry, I've kind of hijacked.

OneSecondAfter · 18/03/2017 10:27

People often do change when they meet partners. But just because you're not happy with the change, doesn't mean she isn't. Which is the most important thing.

WatchHowISoar · 18/03/2017 10:31

From your update it doesn't seem Yabu since its not an often meet up and she's spoken to your mum. Unfortunately though op she's the only one who can do anything about it. You can only stress to her that if she needs you at all then you or there. You could ask her about what she told your mum?

highcastle · 18/03/2017 10:36

If she never complains how do you know she is frustrated?

It seems like you and your other sister are just annoyed that things aren't going the way YOU wanted them to.

Original poster
Floss89 · 18/03/2017 10:48

She knows I'm there for her. She had a miscarriage a few years ago I dropped everything. It was me she called not her dh , she didn't want to disturb him at work.The night away thing is an example of a few things over the years so not just me not getting my way. But I'm glad I posted because I now see I am obviously expecting too much. I am comparing to other sister relationships I see around me too much.

OP posts:
BadTasteFlump · 18/03/2017 10:52

Imo your mum shouldn't be telling you about personal conversations her other DD had with her about her feelings. Maybe your DSis confides in your mum because she thinks she can trust her. If she then realises that anything she tells her becomes gossip amongst other family members she may well clam up altogether. Of she's not telling you the same story, there's a reason for it - does she sense an undercurrent of resentment towards him from you? It could be that she's perfectly happy with him and your mum is making a big deal out of a throwaway comment, or that she does feel restricted but doesn't want to tell you for some reason.

But I wouldn't keep digging away at her, and I definitely wouldn't tell her what your mum said. Your mum shouldn't have told you anyway.

Just keep in touch with her and keep giving her the occasional invite - sometimes relationships just change and there doesn't have to be anything sinister behind it.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 18/03/2017 10:53

I agree with watch, just be there for her if she ever needs support or someone to let off steam to.

Unfortunately, I think a conversation hinting that she has a controlling husband would probably go down really badly.

Although she has mentioned feeling frustrated with her situation, perhaps wait before speculating further?

BadTasteFlump · 18/03/2017 10:55

Op. There are lots of siblings out there who just get on ok and aren't like the versions you see in Hollywood.

I know a few people who regularly post those slogan things on Facebook about how much they love their sisters - 'Sisters by chance, best friends by choice'... Yada yada...' but then constantly moan about them in RL....

haveacupoftea · 18/03/2017 12:14

This reminds me a bit of when one of your school friends get a boyfriend and everyone stops speaking to her because she quite naturally wants to spend all her time wrapped up in her new love.

Falafelings · 18/03/2017 12:24

Keep on inviting her but give up with meet ups with your other sister.

Falafelings · 18/03/2017 12:24

Get on with meet ups

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