To think that the signs of abuse in relationships should be taught in school?

[silkpyjamasallday]

After reading a lot of threads on here over the last year or so I have noticed that many many women who post here are in abusive relationships, and often have been in several different relationships all of which have been abusive, and many of these women seem to think what is happening to them is a normal way to be treated. I have had a few relationships in the past which I now realise were abusive, full of gaslighting and manipulation and eventually physical abuse. It was only when I read people experiences here and the advice that they were given that what I had been involved in wasn't ok.

I think schools need to really step up their game in teaching young people who are just starting out in romantic relationships what is and isn't ok. Teens are influenced increasingly by people other than their parents and teachers and I think the relationships that teens watch on TOWIE or Made in Chelsea etc are so unhealthy for the most part, and in many cases I believe what goes on behind the scenes is probably worse as the men's behaviour isn't good when they know they are being filmed! I think it gives teens and young people the idea that it is 'normal' that boyfriends will be possessive, not like you going out, expecting to be waited on hand and foot and serviced sexually at the drop of a hat, with the only return for the female partner being that they have a partner and aren't alone. I didn't know what gaslighting was before I read stuff on here and other things as well I had put aside as normal and had I been better informed I wouldn't have stayed around in bad relationships second guessing how I felt because the relationships were 'normal' and if I wasn't being hit it was ok. I really think schools should do something in PSHE or whatever it's called now to focus on relationships and sex so that these people just starting out in life don't get dragged into a cycle of abuse. I think it is often women and girls who are very empathetic, perhaps have low self esteem and have been taught that they should put themselves second in a relationship.

Anyway I've gone on a bit but AIBU to think that we need to teach young people the signs of abuse and give them the confidence to spot these signs and get out before it gets worse?

I have been teaching for the past 8 years, 9 including my training year. This has been part of the curriculum in the whole of that time and in my school has been delivered.

So it is being done, it doesn't need to be added.

However as others have said for some students, they don't/won't listen, to this kind of information, I have reported to safeguarding young people who I feel are in abusive relationships from things they have said to me.

As others have said teachers are not experts in these areas, I know a lot of staff who are very uncomfortable covering these topics as tehy do not feel equipped enough to be able to do it well.

We had a charity come in and offer free training re domestic abuse but only for 20 staff (we have over 150) and had to be done in my free time.

Again, we do put them in a room. We do tell them it isn't OK. Other influences dominate.

Well it is encouraging to hear that some schools are doing this, I started the thread because I am only 22 and we had nothing like this, and there were no problems with underfunding as it was a private school but it just wasn't addressed other than don't let boys force you into doing something you don't want to, no context on how you could be manipulated by an abusive person and how it can sneak up on you. And my school were quite good in terms of self defence etc. So I would assume that as a girls school it would be an even hotter topic.

So if it isn't the schools job, and you can't rely on parents, what can be done? Those who work in schools and have done this, what is discussed and how is it done?

I find it very hard to understand, how women can't realise that their relationship is abusive. So I just can't quite grasp how you would teach that in secondary school.

We do teach this already.

I teach this to every yr9 in my catchment schools. Along with "child sexual exploitation" and contraception. I teach yr10 STI's and go over consent etc again with them. I am a specialist school nurse.

Healthy relationships are covered in my children's schools. Everything from being nice to your friends when you are 6, to having healthy relationships when you're older.

However every 2 minutes there is a call for something else to be taught in school - last week it was someone calling for schoolchildren to have classes on being kind to animals.

There is simply not enough time for all of this extra stuff and parents have to take responsibility.

YANBU, life and social skills really need to be taught in school.

Its very shocking, but I was reading recently that men still dont know what rape is and isnt. Thats completely unforgiveable in this century.
Oblomov17, there are many reasons why women cant recognise abuse, coercion and control; and they can all be taught.

...the other thread was not about teaching being kind to animals. It was about teaching basic animal care and management, one benefit of that is that animal abuse stats might drop. Another is that you can make an effort to teach empathy.
Standards of animal care are falling. I get that non animal people dont understand that or why its a problem, but its not about kissing bunnies.

I wonder whether there's scope for a group of interested MNetters to set up a charity to organise presenters going into schools and teaching this? I'm sure the MN Massif would help compile the teaching material and QA it to make sure it's fit for purpose. We could then perhaps link up with other charities to ensure we've got the message pitched right, and trial it in a few schools. Maybe get some actors etc. to volunteer to make some film clips to show?

They are and do. We certainly cover it in year 9.

@silkpyjamasallday the teachers on this thread have told you it is taught at their schools. Understand it wasn't at yours but private schools can teach what they want.

When you say 'if it isn't the schools job', what do you mean? It is the schools job, they are required to teach it and they do. The 7% of kids in private schools are not covered by the same rules.

Op: why aren't kids taught this?
Teachers: they are taught it

🙄

Oblomov17, I thought this too. How can a woman not possibly know her relationship is abusive or see it? Then I went through it and completely understand how and why you can be in an abusive relationship as before (and after) I'm a normal, level headed person yet found myself in this situation.

It doesn't just happen overnight, it happens gradually without realising it's happening and part of the reason you get deeper and deeper is because you think you love this person and you think they love you. Then before you know it you don't recognise yourself and you're this trodden down, shrivel of a person and it can happen to anyone, no matter how normal or level headed they think they are.

In my case, the person I am now compared to a year ago is incomparable. My mind was completely manipulated by this person and being in my "normal" mindset now I would tell this person to do one. But when you're in a vulnerable state in an abusive relationship it's not so black and white.

Its very shocking, but I was reading recently that men still dont know what rape is and isnt. Thats completely unforgiveable in this century.

I think they know it very well, in fact. They are, after all, the ones who do it.

Sure, they might not know that it is actually the illegal kind of rape that they're committing, and like to tell themselves what they do isn't illegal.
But they know it is wrong. They just don't care as long as they think it can't land them in prison.

Not sure about teaching the details of how abusive relationship work. Some might use this as an instruction on how to do it.
Teaching should emphasize boundaries and self-esteem, and how to get out of an abusive relationship.

We have the Police in to teach this and to teach about sexting from Year 7 upwards amongst various other issues that affect children.

There is lots of material available to schools around grooming and unhealthy relationships.

Unfortunately funding for many agency partners has been slashed so it's increasingly hard to get specialist input.

We have learning mentors who have been trained in "c card", which is a condom scheme that requires several sessions of input around relationships before the free condom card is issued.

We also have several whole days throughout the year dedicated to PHSE, a large part of which is around relationships of all sorts. TBH the management of abusive relationships often starts with family and children learning to have shit self esteem, for one reason or another. That's the really important stuff to deal with IMO.