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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to wife regarding baby names?

46 replies

lemonshortbread · 17/03/2017 11:20

My wife and I are expecting our first child (a DD) very shortly and we've narrowed names down to a handful. My wife has shown a preference for one name, a name which she has loved for many years, however it is very similar to my 6 year old niece's name.

For arguments sake let's say the names are Emma & Emmi.

My sister absolutely loves my wife to bits and I imagine she would be flattered and not bothered in the slightest if we chose a name similar to her DD. There may be a few grumbles from other family members (from my side), but nothing more than that.

I am the issue here, as in my head I think the names are too similar. I love the name and would be proud for DD to have it, although when my wife asks for reassurance on it, my enthusiasm comes across as disingenuous.

My wife can see my internal conflict and it probably doesn't help that I strongly favour another name my wife chose. I also fear I'm being unintentionally passive aggressive saying stuff like 'I love the name darling, if you want that name you choose that name.

I also suggested a subtle change to the name e.g. Emma to Gemma, but to my wife these names are worlds apart (and I agree).

I can also relate to her feelings because there is one boys name I have loved above all others for longer than we've been together (8+years). At first my wife didn't like it, but I never wavered from my love, and gradually over time she learned to love this boys name. If we ever have a DS I would be heartbroken not to get my first choice.

It's sad to think my own feelings on this matter are putting doubts in my wife's mind which may prevent her from choosing her absolute favourite name.

AIBU projecting my baby name concerns onto wife? How do I put these feelings aside and back her 100%?

P.S. My dad, FIL and close friend have the same name and they manage alright at family get togethers.

OP posts:

ollieplimsoles · 19/03/2017 07:35

Use the name your wife loves as you really like it too.

TizzyDongue · 19/03/2017 07:40

I've a cousin with a similar name to me - Eve/Eva, Sara/Sarah type of similar.

Doesn't bother me or her. Never heard my mother mention it (and if she was displeased we'd know!)

HashiAsLarry · 19/03/2017 07:57

My family can be fairly about people having similar names, but we have a cousin set who are similar to Claire/Clara (pronounced Claire-ah) and several generations filled with people who's names end with an -erry (including male and female versions of the same name like Terry/Teri) .

In reality Claire/Clara causes less problems than all the -erry people who all answer when someone says any name ending in -erry!

muhajaba · 19/03/2017 08:08

I think you should use the name, the cousin issue really isn't an issue. They'll probably love it as children anyway. If it was the same name or if you didn't like it I'd say use another. Don't be passive aggressive its awful. A friend of mine has 17 female relatives with the same name, they manage, you definitely can

NoArmaniNoPunani · 19/03/2017 08:12

I think it depends what the name is and how close the cousins will be growing up

MissWimpyDimple · 19/03/2017 08:13

I have a niece and nephew with very similar names (think Alex and Alan) and it has never ever been an issue.

Even when it's sometimes shortened to "Al" it's not been an issue. I didn't even realise at first to be honest.

Screwinthetuna · 19/03/2017 08:20

I don't think it's a big deal even if their name is identical...they're cousins, not siblings. They might only see each other at weddings/funerals/family parties when older and nobody will care if their names are the same

MadameJosephine · 19/03/2017 08:26

I get where you are coming from, my DP liked Sophia for DD but she has a cousin called Sophie and I felt it was too similar. However, I also didn't love the name, if I had maybe I could have got past that. Do you genuinely like the name your DW has chosen or are you just going along with it? Remember this is your child too so if you don't want to use the name just say so, no need for the passive aggressive nonsense

Soubriquet · 19/03/2017 08:27

Let her use the name

My Ds has the same name as my cousin but my dh was desperate to have the name. He really loved it and had wanted a boy called it for a few years. At first I resisted but in the end I came around.

Cutesbabasmummy · 19/03/2017 08:37

I would use the name if you both love it.

pictish · 19/03/2017 08:38

What a lot of angsting over a name!

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 19/03/2017 08:46

Personally I'd be totally fine if my children had cousins with the same name. After all, they're not going to live with you or anything, and even if they were you make it work!

diddl · 19/03/2017 08:54

You both love the name & it is different to your niece's name so go for it!

sadsquid · 19/03/2017 08:58

If you like the name OK for itself, just use it. I've truly never understood the angsting over a child having the same name as someone else, the rage about 'copying' names and all that. Everyone gets used to it in no time and at family gatherings you just have Big Squid and Little Squid. We had some very close family friends when I was growing up - closer than my cousins to be honest - who called their youngest boy the same name as my little brother. No one worried about it for a moment.

LorLorr2 · 19/03/2017 09:00

If it were the same then maybe not, but a slight difference sounds fine! Most of the people she meets in life will not be family, they will just see her as an individual with a nice name

Whatsername17 · 19/03/2017 09:02

I think you need to be honest about how you feel and reach a compromise. With my first dd, dh and I were at complete odds with the names we liked. We agreed on two and in the delivery room dh asked which one thought would suit and I was quite incredulous that he thought we'd go with 'name number 1' because she didn't look like a 'number 1', she was clearly a 'name number 2!' With our second dd, we found out that she was a girl at our scan as dd1 was desperate to know. Dh mentioned that his favourite name was now on the table. I asked him what it was and when he told me I wasn't immediately taken with it but it grew on me. I never looked at another name and it suits her. Weird, because I wouldn't have chosen it but I love it now. Talk. You are both parents and have equal say here.

cece · 19/03/2017 09:10

Keep the shortlist and decide once she is born. TBH I have always found they do or don't suit a name once you meet them so have always had a shortlist and decided once I have met them.

However, do keep all the possible names on the list. TBH I don't think it is a massive issue if he name is similar to a cousin's name.

WhyOhWine · 19/03/2017 09:16

I think you need to decide if you are ok with the name or not. Too similar is an ok reason for not wanting a name. Lots of people are ok with similar names some are not. Neither is really an unreasonable viewpoint.
If you decide you not ok, tell your wife. If you are ok with it get behind it and turn it into "our choice" rather than her choice. If I was your wife I would hate the "if you like it you choose it" crap. It is like you are trying to disclaim responsibility if anyone does comment negatively on the similarity.

hollie11 · 19/03/2017 09:26

Me and my cousin both have the same name (spelt differently). No problems at all.....one was known as big Hollie and one as little Holly! Still are actually (even though we are now in our 30's!)

smurfit · 19/03/2017 11:16

2 of my nieces have names like this. There is an Anna and an Annie (Maryanne but she's never called that). It's really not a big deal.

BaskingTrout · 19/03/2017 11:34

My DH and my DD have very similar sounding names.
We did think long and hard about calling DD what we did, because we were concerned that people would think we were a bit odd, or that DH must have really wanted a son and so called DD the nearest girls name. Which isn't true, DD's name is the only girls name that we both really loved, it just happens to sound similar.
It hasn't been an issue at all. And it will be even less important as she grows up.
Choose the name your wife loves, as soon as the baby is here and you see it as "her" name, it won't matter.

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