AIBU Not to Invite DP's for DD's Birthday Meal

[HappyShopper0123]

I'll try and keep this to the main points as I could write a book on my relationship with with parents. But this is the latest saga.
It was my eldest DD's 18th this week.

A bit of background information is that due to a leak our lounge is a building site at the moment and totally unusable so its a bit inconvenient to have visitors as we all have to cram into the kitchen, and of an evening we all have disappear to our bedrooms to watch TV.

Anyway DD is not having a party she has arranged lots of nights out with friends etc. But on her actual birthday we took her out for dinner (DH and other 2 DDs) along with PIL who live not far away and were coming over to give DD her present. It was not a big deal just a quite family meal.

My DP's on the other hand sold up and moved to Spain a few years ago and come and stay with us usually 3-4 times a year for 5-10 days at a time (I won't go into detail on this as I have covered this in a previous post!) Their last visit was at Christmas for 2 weeks which I am still getting over.

I speak to DM at least 4-5 a week on FaceTime/skype and she knew what DDs plans were with regards to her birthday, I had also said that we were taking her out for a meal - I did leave out that PIL were coming as I knew this would upset her - she is jealous whenever we do anything with PIL even though when she lived here she had a much closer relationship with my DC than my PIL.
The day after the meal she phoned up at 7am to ask if we had a good time and who went? I knew by her tone that she was being pissy and somehow must know, when I told her she came out with "I thought you would have invited us".

I said I didn't invite them as we are living in a building site at the moment and that they wouldn't be able to stay here, (they always stay with us when they visit as they have fallen out with SIL in past and relations with DB have been a bit tense.
She started to rant at me down the phone and I ended up just saying I couldn't deal with it first thing in the morning and putting the phone down. I have not heard from her since and it is taking over my life. I just can't stop thinking about it. She has put a real downer on the whole birthday celebrations and feel like although she lives far away she still manages to make everything about her
I know that they have not got the funds to stay in a hotel as DB has had to help them out financially recently. I wouldn't want to invite them and then them feel pressured into spending money they didn't have flying over.
AIBU not inviting them?

Presumably your daughter wanted her other Gps there & not your parents?

TBH we didn't discuss who DD wanted there because it really wasn't an issue until DM made it one. We just said we were going to go out for a meal for her birthday and then when PIL said they were going to come over they just joined us, it really wasn't a "who should be invite" kind of dinner, if anyone else had said that they were popping over to drop off a present we would have invited them too it wasn't formal. DD would have been happy with anyone coming.

I can sort of understand them being pissed off at not being invited-I guess though that that is mainly coming from a place of ILs being there & therefore invited (as they see it)?

If they wouldn't/couldn't have come over though it's really a moot point, isn't it?

It doesn't sound as though it was a formal send out invitations sort of event though. It was just dinner on her birthday that PIL went to as they were around and it was a last minute decision by the inlaws. By the time the other grandparents had been invited when PIL decided to go and actually flew over it if they decided to come it would have been the next day..

Chloe84 - we survived Christmas, thanks for asking, couldn't address the issue of them visiting less as DF had a stroke at beginning of December (is recovering well now) but felt a bit insensitive to bring it up. They were over for 2 weeks and DB only took them for lunch one day and popped in for a couple of hours on Boxing Day, which really gets me as DM is sooo grateful for the tiniest bit of attention he gives her and she would not dream of talking to him how she does me. Also as I had been out to Spain when DF had the stroke DB was supposed to fly out and help them fly back to UK for Christmas but his flight was cancelled due to fog so they had to fly over on their own (I know it wasn't his fault but it could only happen to him!) I booked to fly back with them on their return and I booked a flight back the next day so I only stayed over night (it was between Christmas and New Year DH and DC were all still at home and I wanted to get back) But DM looked appalled when I said I would be flying home the next day - even though we had just spent a fortnight together.

You are right when you say she is unhappy in Spain. I have known this for a long time, occasionally she will admit it. but its all about keep up appearances, my DM is the original Mrs Bucket, she tells all her friends that we have an annex that she stays in when she visits (we don't, she stays in my office), that is the main reason they won't/can't come back to UK as their Spanish property has lost money and they could only probably afford a one bedroom flat over here (if they are lucky) and this would not be acceptable as it would not be in keeping with the image they try to project to friends. When DF had the stroke, DM went into panic mode and said that they couldn't stay in Spain and that because properties are not selling in Spain, if DB and I could get a mortgage and buy them a 2 bedroom place over here (they need bedroom each), near DB and myself (which is on outskirts on London so very expensive), preferably a bungalow with a garden. They wouldn't be able to afford to pay rent but that the property would be ours in the end anyway! Luckily DB does not mince his words and told her straight that although he is not on the breadline he would not be funding a move the UK for them and if they needed to move back then they would have to sell up and buy whatever they could afford. I know she is bored over there because most of the friends they do have over there also have UK homes so are not there all the time but I get a bit fed up that Me and my family are her daily source of entertainment (apart from Facebook - she is always on Facebook, she has friended most of my friends and often comments on their stuff even when she hardly knows them! and then when I speak to her she will often start running them down, moaning about how much someone posts and about their children etc, it drives me mad!

Sorry got into a bit of a rant then!

2rebecca - the DC are 14, 16, 18 and all have their own phones which they FaceTime them on direct, so don't have no real control over that.

DB only took them for lunch one day and popped in for a couple of hours on Boxing Day, which really gets me as DM is sooo grateful for the tiniest bit of attention he gives her and she would not dream of talking to him how she does me

Well of course she doesn't talk to him the way she does you - she knows he will cut her off from him and her GCs if she tried it!

Your DB gets contact on his own terms, you get treated like a doormat.

Start by putting some privacy settings on Facebook (all of you, DC included) and go from there.

With the facetime - can you not block who can contact you? Or can you suggest to dc that they just ignore the contact if they are busy/don't wish to answer so in effect, give them permission not to answer? I realise your dm might moan to you to which you then say 'dc is out' or similar but it's one step in taking control of the situation.

Your DM should be encouraged to sell up in Spain even if it means a one bed with twin beds flat here. That's not to say if she was back in the UK that she would prove more of a headache than now!

I do sympathise with you OP - it takes a hell of a lot to keep DMs at bay.

If the kids are happy with the facetime on their phones then it's OK. If they aren't then they turn their phones off or block her. Lots of teenagers don't have granny on facebook. Up to them. They have to learn to be selective about their phone usage. Agree with giving them permission to be less available.

sunshinesupermum, I keep thinking the same thing, before they left for Spain we used to get along well, because we'd see each other once or twice a week, we'd meet up at a shopping centre for a coffee and maybe they would come over for Sunday dinner. But since they have gone to Spain, they have changed personalities so much, more so DM than DF, She has just become so needy/clingy/tearful and sometimes just aggressive. We are all on eggshells when she comes over as she can be as nice a pie one minute and then in an instant change. That is why I didn't want to say that there was a possibility that FIL were going to the meal.

That the move to Spain has not worked out is for her and your DF to solve, not you.

Just keep remembering she doesn't treat your DB like this.

The DC don't use Facebook, I only use it for work really, I never post personal stuff, but when I log on I see all her posts etc and if I upset her when I next log on I usually find that she has put up one of those quote pages with a veiled dig at me. I just ignore it, I want to block her but DH says that that will probably make matters worse. I know that she is probably bored and has nothing better to do than obsess over what we are up to but just annoys me that she has this power over me to upset me and that I haven't been able to do hardly any work today because Ive been stressing over her.

Why would you be expected to invite someone who's in a different country?????

Just because they moved doesn't mean they aren't part of the family - we moved and generally aren't invited for this reason but aren't given the choice!! We've missed weeding christening etc ---- people forget about you when you aren't there

I think DM is trying to keep up the relationship and it's becoming incredibly difficult for her!!

You can hide posts from someone without blocking them.
It sounds as though your personality is part of the problem though as your brother is able to detach from her and see her problems as her problems and you aren't.
If she starts up you could try telling her that her personality has changed and she is pushing you away by being so unpleasant and needy and that she needs to find more local hobbies and activities and stop trying to control your lives as much.
Do you need more in your life as well so you get your mum in perspective and can be more assertive with her and be able to see her histrionics as her problem not your problem?

Way to think you are giving dm too much credit. Ops siblings don't get this crap because they don't put up with it. Dm phoning kids every single day is ridiculous and expecting to be Invited every time op goes out for a meal is mad. It wasn't a big birthday party just a quiet meal out.
Dm is trying to control op and her family not just stay in touch.

I have told to get some hobbies and join groups to meet more people over there, she agrees but never does anything about it. I know that I need to be more assertive with her but I think I feel like I have to be responsible as my DB has taken such a backseat. DH says that I should be more like DB and not go running out there every time there is a problem, but I guess I'm just not like that I would feel terrible if god forbid my DF had another stroke and I didn't go, but it doesn't seem to bother my DB
Lol I am really busy running my own company, I know it doesn't seem like it today! Its just sometimes she really gets to m, and I think am I the mad person, and I come on here as a kind of therapy as I feel very disloyal moaning to my friends about her. I like the anonymity of coming on here and also friends sometimes tell you what you want to hear where coming on here you do get 2 sided opinions

You aren't responsible for your mother's happiness, she is. Your brother hasn't taken a back seat he has taken a fairly normal seat for someone whose parents have chosen to move abroad.. You sound over enmeshed and are turning your mum's problems in to your problems. Different if she is frail and elderly and alone. but she's out there with her husband and happy to fly back and forth across Europe.
She doesn't sound as though she has any empathy or sympathy for your problems.
I suspect if she'd phoned your brother at 7am moaning about not being invited out for dinner he'd have said something like "don't be silly mum, it was just dinner and the PILs only decided to come at the last minute. If we'd then phoned you the restaurant would have been long closed by the time you got here. "
It sounds as though a 1 bedroom flat may be a sensible option if your father does deteriorate as they won't be up to looking after a large house anyway.

Your DB has a fairly normal relationship for an adult, who has a job, partner and his own children, with his adult parent. He is not taking a backseat!

You however seem to have been given the role of family dogsbody.

Your DH is spot on - listen to him.