Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

AIBU DH wants to visit SIL & BIL - instead of a holiday

48 replies

Working24x7 · 16/03/2017 17:39

DH wants to take me & DS 11 to see his family in Canada. Will cost £5k + and won't be a holiday for me. I had planned a holiday in the Med - much cheaper but SIL on annual leave at the same time. I am paying for all this and work really hard all year to keep family going financially- we have many debts. We have no real family in the UK at all so I get it but so hurt that what I feel doesn't count.

OP posts:

skerrywind · 16/03/2017 18:19

You can;t afford a holiday OP. Doing so would get you deeper into debt surely?

THat's not relieving stress, it's adding to it.

BeccaAnn · 16/03/2017 18:22

if you have £5k for holiday then its £5k to pay of debt, no brainer. I haven't been on a holiday for years, I stay with my family around the country for a weekend or 4 days max. because i have debt I want to pay. once its gone, i'm treating myself to a fab holiday.
x

Astro55 · 16/03/2017 18:26

So he's bankrupt and wants to spend £5 on a visit? LOL

Tell him Skype is practically free

Then book a few days in U.K.

WhereYouLeftIt · 16/03/2017 18:26

You cannot afford £5k for this proposed Canada trip. So you just don't do it. Having debt hanging over my head - I wouldn't relax, knowing I'd pushed myself further under.

We did a staycation a couple of years. Not just holiday in the UK, but holiday in out own home, so no accommodation costs. We ate out, even for breakfast a couple of times, went to the cinema, local attractions. I had a great time, found it very relaxing.

JigglyTuff · 16/03/2017 18:27

You can't afford either his holiday or yours.

You don't need the sun - sure it would be nice but if he is bankrupt you have debts.

SquinkiesRule · 16/03/2017 18:38

YANBU a holiday in Canada is madness in your financial situation.
Tell him to find a proper job and save for such and expensive trip

hamble123 · 16/03/2017 18:52

Tell him that his family should come to the UK for a holiday instead.

CouldntMakeThisShitUp · 16/03/2017 18:58

DH has a business that makes a loss....nearly list our home of 20 years

So he doesn't actually bring any money in - just likes dossing around playing at entrepreneur.

SAHD as bankrupt
DH only child and hates kids clubs etc

So how exactly is he a SAHD? You can't even trust him with the dc safety!
More like SAHDosser!

Does he do the majority of the 'wife work' at home seeing as you are out working?
He's just decided to indulge himself - at your expense.
I think he's taking you for a mug.
You do all the earning and he gets to dictate how it's spent!

You need to get assertive with him.
There will be no £5k holiday when you have debts to pay off. A week or two in Morocco/Spain etc is more logical - and cheaper.

As he can't be trusted with dc safety and doesn't like doing child-related stuff with them, he needs to stop calling himself a SAHD.
He is UNEMPLOYED and needs to get his arse out there and get a job - any job - to help pay off debts he has helped incur.

Lastly, i say you get the ultimate veto on how the money is spent seeing as you're the only one acting like a responsible adult and parent.

clerquin · 16/03/2017 18:58

I love travel but I would never prioritise them over debts. We've had a few years of staycations in the past (literally daytrips from home) after overspending on house renovations and also after redundancy and they were cheapish ones at that i.e. using our NT membership. Our children were young and didn't know better frankly - we visited most of the country parks and forestry commission places within a 1.5 hr drive; accessible for the cost of petrol and the cost of car parking.

Work on your debts and target a mutually agreed holiday goal for next year so both of you have something to work towards/look forward to. Good Luck!

Original poster

Working24x7 · 16/03/2017 19:22

Thanks for all replies- it has been a great support

OP posts:

ATailofTwoKitties · 16/03/2017 19:26

Invite his family to visit you for a bit instead.

MiddleClassProblem · 16/03/2017 19:27

I am paying for all this and work really hard

So all the money is yours? Wow

icanteven · 17/03/2017 08:09

I support our family too (different situation - DH finishing his professional training) and can't afford to fly us all to visit his family in their country, and they won't visit us because they're crazy, so they pay for flights for him to bring the children to visit (I don't go - don't want to, and would rather the peace and quiet here).

If your DH has extended family in Canada and can't afford to visit them, perhaps they would chip in to fly him out there? My PIL's are delighted with this solution because they don't have to fly and it's still cheaper for them than a big trip here en famille anyway.

icanteven · 17/03/2017 08:11

I am paying for all this and work really hard

So all the money is yours? Wow

Middleclassproblem, you might not have spotted where the OP said that her husband's failed business has left him bankrupt, nearly lost them their house, and they are HEAVILY in debt. He is currently not working and the OP is supporting the family and slowing dragging them out of debt on her own. I think it's safe to say she has the right to veto a 5k trip that her husband has suggested, yes.

Oliversmumsarmy · 17/03/2017 08:26

Have you taken 5 minutes to actually ask yourself what it is your dh is bringing to the table so to speak.

He is not safe around the kids. He only brings you a load of grief over money. You are working your backside off to pay debts that he has run up in the course of calling himself a business man . He only mixes with his own nationality which in itself can be isolating for you and now he wants you to foot another £5000 bill so you can sit in his sisters place for a few weeks before returning to work for another year to pay off more debt.

Run for the hills.

MiddleClassProblem · 17/03/2017 08:36

Sorry that all confused me as op said he has a business that makes a loss (as many do when they start out so that was my assumption) but either way if this was a role reversal and she had had money trouble but he said it was his money he earned it, people would think that was awful. When you share your life with someone that's exactly what you do. We have no idea if the money issues were because he's crap with money or has an unfortunate turn in business.

The Sahd and bankruptcy line I wasn't sure which came first but either way he is working now, not that it matters which way around it was.

KateDaniels2 · 17/03/2017 08:52

This is weird one.

He isnt unreasonable to eant to visit his family.

But this thread started with a view that it was one holiday or the other. But you can't afford either. So it doesn't really matter which type of trip either would prefer. Because you cant afford either. You are both unreasonable for squabbling about whats the best option.

I dont know the details of his business so wont judge him for having a failed business.

But as pp said what is he bringing to the table? Dh business failed a few years ago, not his fault. But he knew what was happening, got some agency work to pay bills and started a new business. The nre business has been paying our bills for 4 years.

He wouldnt have just sat by while everything sunk snd not done something to help out his family.

It sounds like your dh has sat back and let you take all the strain. He sounds like a poor parent and isnt really fulfilling the sahp role nor is he helping financially.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 17/03/2017 09:09

You can't afford either holiday. Can you afford DH's loss making business?

rookiemere · 17/03/2017 11:52

Do you love your DH - it doesn't sound like it?
Maybe you'd be happier apart.

Neverknowing · 17/03/2017 11:57

I would pay off the debt with the holiday money and that would feel like a holiday in itself to me! You'd feel much less stressed and then next year go all out have a big holiday
Surely SIL and BIL could come to you?

Oliversmumsarmy · 17/03/2017 12:56

I think the point is the op needs a break and can only really afford a cheap holiday. The debts are her dhs who from what has been said is not bringing any money in and not looking after the dc as he is not safe around them.

emmyhNL · 17/03/2017 13:16

I think it's pretty clear; no holiday. Pay off your debt, get your DH to understand the financial situation and go from there. The UK can be a wonderful place to visit

HarryPottersMagicWand · 17/03/2017 14:01

Your 'D'H sounds like a waste of space who contributes nothing but problems, works at a loss, almost lost your house, cannot be trusted to parent his child, doesn't like kids clubs but wants to spend 5k seeing his family in Canada. Um, no. Get a job, then he can discuss expensive holidays, after his debts have been paid off (I'm assuming they aren't your debts OP).

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread