To really not want to deal with other school mums... (crying not happy - just want an easier life)

[Gotbills2pay]

I work full time and have a partner who has ocassional depressive episodes; which means I basically the backbone of my family (we have two DCs) we both work full time but partner does need lots of support.
My oldest DC has a group of friends at schoool, they are in year 3. Anyway for the last 2.5 years my DC has been coming home on ocassion crying or upset. It takes us a while but my DC is always mentioning how this other child is constantly critical of my DC. Anyway I constantly tell DC that if they don't like this child then don't play with them. However this child appointed themselves the head of the group and it came to head a few weeks ago when my DC came home with a printed letter that had been written by this other 8 year old outlining the rules of their group - which included not letting anyone else into the group. My DC got very upset when I found it. Anyway I sent the mother of the child who wrote this letter (all done with bullet points on a computer - by a 7 year old) asking her how it got my DC's bag and that obviously other memebers of the group had similiar letters. I did admire this child but I thought the mum might just say 'is your child okay' sorry to have upset etc etc. So I ended up running the letter past two child pyschologists I know - both said if the mother isn't bothered send the letter to the school. I rung up the school and said 'please tell me if I'm being an overly concerned parent but this letter came home in my child's bag etc etc. Deputy head calls me back and says I'm right to be concerned. However all the other three mums think we should talked it all out before I went to the school. But I had a lot on - cousin died, appeal battle at work, and then partner having an episode. Plus these mums are not that friendly to me, I've tried with them but there are other mums at the school I get on with better; but then I don't think their DC would have put a letter like that in my child's bag. I'm feeling really guilty as I don't want to de-friend school mums but my DC was not happy in this gang; and has been better in the last two weeks. The experts I spoke to said the letter could have been the start of bullying. I was bullied at school so I don't want my daughter to go through the same when mine could have been stopped early on.
Anyway feeling mother's guilt and so upset... but I don't know what else I could ahve done. These mums felt that the children could have sorted it out amongst themselves; however this gang thing has got out of control and I have said to the other mums - before this happened - we shouldn't be encouraging them to be so cliquey. I'm going to blasted now - please be gentle I'm actually crying here...

I do consider myself friendly but not friends with these mums Iam - neutral - yes - and that is why I felt better going to the school. It's reassuring to know that others agreeing with me. It's just that one of the mums called me today - about something else - and mentioned it - as if they had all been talking about me and what an awful thing I did. This gang thing has been going on ages and I just think for that reason (and I've attempted to get my daughter to play with other children) the school need to know.

To be fair to myself I would not know how to deal with this situation or the other mums - the school is best and thank God people agree with me. I needed that!

YANBU, and you dont have to justify yourself to other mums. They aren't very nice and don't have your best interests at heart.

I would cancel the trip as a consequence for bullying rather than grit my teeth in their company all day. But I realize that may feel confrontational and a bit much to handle with the way things are.

Gangs and friend groups can get out of hand from that age. I remember being excluded from one, and it's painful. Perhaps you are spotting a pattern as you were bullied and now your daughter is having a hard time too? Could you go back to the child psychologists you knew and ask them how DD can be more immune to being a victim of such behaviour or general advice on self esteem and bullying. This incident could be turned into a positive and a start on building your daughter up with equipment to prevent herself being in that position. I could really have benefited from lessons like that when I was in Primary school as I seemed to always be the one who got left out by my 'friends', it took ages to develop my self worth as I was doing it by my own instinct.
Make the mums feel too silly to keep talking about you by keeping your head up confidently, smiling and appearing oblivious, as if you're soo busy you almost forgot what occured as it's been and gone, and they should get on with their own lives too.
and to you x

Just a thought too, This girl group mentality often extends to the school mum groups so Is it possible that bossy girls mum is also the bossy leader of the mum group? Might explain why you got the response that you did.

We have a mum at our school that is absolutely bat shit. People are physically scared of coming under her attack radar. Anyone that goes against her is ostracized from the rest of the mums when she is around. I avoid those mums too tbh but it just goes to show that many women never grow out of their childhood.

There is a school mum mentality - and I would have been more friendly with them if I didn't have to get a 6.30am train into the city every morning! But I don't have the luxury of that - and the only mums I'm friends with are ones who work full time like I do. I did encounter one mum (not with this crowd) very strange a couple of years - she appointed herself Queen Bee - but because she was so crazy (and not very nice) she is now avoided by a lot of the other mums.