To tell them all to get on with it!

[user1467798821]

This may end up being a long post-sorry!
DS1 been in a relationship for 10 years and had 2DCs, he split with his partner at Christmas and has been a bit of a let down regarding access and maintenance, he kind of cut himself off from everyone so we were only hearing one side of the story.
We were led to believe that he had been telling his XP that they were working on getting the relationship back on track, and I really hoped they would sort stuff out (together or apart for the benefit of the dc's)
It has now come to light that in fact my DS1 has been having an affair for a long time (am disgusted but he's supposed to be an adult) and had no intention of reconciling, although he admits that he was trying not to upset his XP and may have said things that she has taken wrongly no bollocks to admit the truth

The XP has told the children everything, both under 10 years of age because she didn't want to lie to them and wanted to poison their minds

She has seen her GP almost daily as she isn't coping and has fled to her mothers because she can't possibly live in the rented house as he is everywhere. I am getting several texts and phone calls a day where she is sobbing and suicidal and can't cope, but in the meantime she is telling lies to her family about the things my DS has supposed to have done, today's being he stole £600 from her purse, which was supposed to have been rent money, and her Nan has had to bail her out, so I now have DS calling several times a day too!
I love them both and adore my grand children but this is starting to drag me down, I feel stuck in the middle not knowing what to say to either of them. There is a part of me that thinks his XP believes me to be firmly on her side, hence not telling me the lies she's spreading, she refuses to visit my house because my DS may turn up but we can have the children I suspect this might stop if I walk away , as long as DS doesn't see them because she can't face the children having fun with their dad!
How do I remove myself from this? I understand she is heartbroken but I also feel she should be trying to forge a life without him, especially as he left her 3 months ago.

Just stay out of it!! They're adults. You don't and won't ever know the truth of their relationship. You don't know what is lies and what is true and you certainly can't depend on him to tell you the truth. Stay out of it. Try and be there for your grandchildren and don't take sides.

I can't depend on either of them to tell the truth. She's far more manipulative than him, but he's got a shorter fuse. She's already proven she uses the children as weapons and I would be heartbroken if she stopped the children having contact with us

Have the children had regular contact with you? In your shoes I would start offering to have the children as much as you can. If she then does withhold contact you have an established relationship with them independent of your son's relationship with them and a court may grant you contact on that basis. No guarantees but it's how my DC's grandparents got contact when I withdrew it.

How has she proven that? How do you know she's lying? You don't! Butt out! You DO know your son has lied, cheated, abandoned his family, is he paying maintenance? Is he maintaining contact? Is he being civil ? (Unlikely as you say he has a short fuse! How short a fuse?)

OP - I think you need to be just a listening ear here - just listen and not offer advise - don't get in the middle. It seems DIL wants you to tell him off in some way - don't keep both relationships separate

Keep talk to the children and how she's feeling - offer to have them - take them to soft play or the park - just for now - let her have her way about your house - show her she can trust you - rather than 'keeping him away' as such

He is maintaining his family as the money is passed to her via me at this present time.
I have caught her out several times in lies over the years, more so over the last 6 months, I put it down to her being quite young and not coming from a massively stable background herself. She will tell you I have been the only support she's ever had in regards to the children and I intend to continue to do so, but I need to find a way to do that, that is on neutral ground, very difficult when she's calling me several times a day. I have made my feelings very clear about the affair to him.
As for knowing the £600 story is a lie it had been arranged through me for him to return a small amount of money he had borrowed from her, and she's told me everything else, shown me texts etc that he's sent but never mentioned this amount!
His fuse is not that short that she has ever felt threatened or scared of him, but obviously emotions are raw, and rumours like this aren't helping either of them

Your his mother so of course when it comes down to it your going to favour him slightly over her. So saying she's manipulative isn't good because your son is not perfect clearly as he's been having an affair. You don't know why he's done to her over the years never mind what she's had to put up with. I think you need to sit her down and explain that it's really getting to you and you don't want to get involved but you will take the children to help her out as much as you Can and don't respond to the texts.

Your son needs a good boot up the butt, tell him to man up and face his prioritise.

Are you on speaking terms with your dil's mum it might be good to speak to her to ensure yous are on the same wavelength

Just to add when people find out shocking information (husband cheating) and relationship breakdowns then it can cause people to become desperate and act out for attention due to shock and her unhappiness cut her some slack and have a proper talk with her and explain everything.

How do you know she hadn't felt threatened or scared of him??

I totally understand how she's feeling and my heart hurts for her, I actually favour her more than him because she is the wronged party, and no matter what kind of relationship they had, she didnt deserve this or to find out the way she did. He is wrong and I will tell him he is is wrong for the rest of his life. I told him this morning he had to suck it up buttercup, she is going to produce some low blows because this all feels very uncontrollable to her. He dropped the bomb and then walked out to his new life, stopping for a McDonalds on the way, I can't condone that