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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my friend has let me down

18 replies

Exileinengland1999 · 15/03/2017 20:09

Basically my closest friend of 20 years met a man and then decided that she didn't need anyone else. She left the town we had both lived in for 20 years after knowing this guy for 3 months and since then has made it clear that she has moved on.
I feel really angry actually- we were very close and involved in each other's lives, speaking on the phone every week etc.
Since she met this guy, she has literally vanished- not just from my life but from a lot of other friends too. I think everyone feels a bit confused but I feel very let down- it's basically being friend dumped after 20 years. She's also made it clear that everything in her life, bar small talk, is off limits.
Aibu to be feeling let down/ hurt/ a bit confused by it all?

OP posts:

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 · 15/03/2017 20:11

Maybe he is a controlling bully who has coerced her into this life away from everyone?
Try and stay in touch - even just keep the same number so if she needs you she can contact you.

Original poster

Exileinengland1999 · 15/03/2017 20:16

It has occurred to me that's the case- she's suddenly become really passive but tbh, that happened within 3 months. He's quite quiet etc and a bit boring tbhand doesn't seem controlling but it's hard to know- it's literally like she has gone from feisty opinionated singleton to passive with nothing to say

OP posts:

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 15/03/2017 20:18

I would be worried rather than angry.

Sweets101 · 15/03/2017 20:18

That sounds a bit odd. Are you sure she's ok?

Broken11Girl · 15/03/2017 20:21

Agree with pps.

Original poster

Exileinengland1999 · 15/03/2017 20:24

Thing is- even if she isn't ok- she's made it clear that it's all off limits. I spoke to another mutual friend the other day who was similarily concerned.
When they first got together she did say once that he expected her to just be with him

OP posts:

PeppaPigTastesLikeBacon · 15/03/2017 20:26

Just because he's boring and quiet doesn't mean he's not abusive but in the same instance, just because she has changed since meeting a guy doesn't mean he is abusive.
You need to decide if you will be there to support her if something does happen and she needs someone

1horatio · 15/03/2017 20:36

Withdrawing drastically from your friends/people in your life is often a sign that something is very wrong.

Him being quiet doesn't mean he isn't abusive.

My mother's father was quiet. Rather "fineboned", pious and quiet.

But also an abusive bastard.

HebeBadb · 15/03/2017 20:38

I'd be worried too. She's made it clear that a real conversation is off the table now???

My x was quite boring and still very controlling. In fact because he was so boring he relied on me completely for all of his social needs.

RussianDolls · 15/03/2017 20:41

I would be very worried. Keep in touch with her.

It could be that he is isolating her.

Bluetrews25 · 15/03/2017 20:42

Very worrying.
Sounds abusive and controlling.
She may need you all at some point.

LilaoftheGreenwood · 15/03/2017 20:49

Yep, definitely worried.

she did say once that he expected her to just be with him - and that's just the bit she was willing to tell you.

It's sad for you, but keep in touch with a friendly text/msg every now and then, and encourage others to do the same if you can.

HelenaGWells · 15/03/2017 20:50

When they first got together she did say once that he expected her to just be with him

That's a massive red flag to me tbh. That says that HE has decided that SHE isn't allowed any friends. The fact that the sporadic contact you have she won't talk about ANYTHING personal also rings alarm bells to me.

Sadly all you can do is basically let her know you are always there for her no matter what. If she is in an abusive relationship then she is the only one who can make those steps to get out. All you can do is let her know that you are there for her if she needs you.

Original poster

Exileinengland1999 · 15/03/2017 20:58

I think my biggest worry has been how totally different she is now- I lived with her for a year so know her really well and it's like she has had a personality transplant

OP posts:

Helbelle75 · 15/03/2017 20:59

This happened with a friend of mine. It's really upsetting, particularly as I fear that he is isolating her. I've just kept the lines of communication open, message her every couple of weeks about something trivial, so hopefully she knows I'm there if she needs me.

Ginkypig · 15/03/2017 21:13

I would be worried if this was my friend.

I don't want to be a catastrophist as I don't know you or your friend but the friends Iv had that long are still there because they arnt the type of person who'd behave like that so if they did there would be something very wrong going on!

Atenco · 15/03/2017 21:21

I would be worried if this was my friend

Yeap, don't write her off, please. We all make mistakes and she has made a serious mistake, but she may well need you at some point.

Goldmandra · 15/03/2017 23:14

This happened to my daughter. That man had her behaving totally out of character within a fortnight planning to throw her degree away and move in with him.

He told her that her friends were idiots and her family were controlling and didn't want her to have a boyfriend.

He kept tabs on her constantly, locked her in his flat, took control of her phone and kept hold of her car keys. He worked constantly to drive a wedge between us and prevent her from seeing us and talking to us.

Within two months he was planning a wedding with her and she was hoping that we would say no because she couldn't find a way to do it herself. My daughter believed she didn't have the right to choose who she married and when. That is not how I we taught her to think and will never make sense to me.

He persuaded her that she had to do exactly what he said and dump her old life to demonstrate her loyalty to him.

His behaviour escalated to violence and serious sexual assault and she kept defending and excusing his actions.

I worked my socks off to keep the lines of communication open and make sure she know we were there for her whatever happened.

I was with her on one occasion at the right time to support her when she realised what he was doing to her. With a lot of support she ended the relationship at three months.

Months later, she is now recovering with support and counselling. He has found another vulnerable young woman, done the same to her and married her against her family's wishes

Don't judge her or blame your friend; support her. Find ways to let her know you are there for her if she ever needs it. Ask questions instead of expressing opinions. Don't make her choose between you and him or do anything that may make her feel disloyal to him. Maybe one day she will feel able to walk away and put her life back together the same way my daughter has.

Don't question why she let's him do this to her. There isn't a logical answer. Strong women in high powered jobs can spend years in relationships like this. There is something that makes them hang on to the few little bits of good in the hope that, if they make more effort/are better people, the abusive partner will be nicer to them. It just never happens.

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