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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Nightmare Mother in Law

50 replies

MILDrama · 14/03/2017 22:30

I'm new to forums and have had second thoughts about posting at all but am desperately sad and need advice.
My MIL is making my life hell. My parents live in a different country and I only live (unfortunately) 5 miles from my MIL. I'm not sure where to start as there's too much to say for 1 post but I have a 4 year old daughter who MIL hasn't bothered with for 6 months (not that she bothered with her much before). The reason? My daughter has my mother's name as her middle name and not MIL's. Now, the reason for this is because my MIL hates her name!! Hates it! Won't be called by it and refuses to answer to it! So we never considered it as a middle name for that reason, not because we were being nasty. I won't talk about all the other awful stuff she's done to me and my daughter as it'd take too long. I had a son 4 weeks ago and we gave him my (deceased) FIL's name as a middle name and she's hit the roof. She won't talk to us and hasn't come to see my son once or even asked about him. I honestly (stupidly) thought she would be ok with the name as it means there's a name from my family and a name from hers but I was obviously wrong. She said to my DH 'I get why you used his name, can't compete with a dead man'. To make matters worse she's trying to get the rest of DH's siblings onside by spreading lies and making up things that we say. I'm just devastated. She's trying to ruin the births of both my children. I don't have family living near and wanted so much to have a big, loving family for my kids. I want to cut ties (and move) as I'm sick of her toxic behaviour but haven't said so as I know it's my husband's mother and just don't know what to do any more. I just want my kids to have a happy mum and a happy family 😕. There's so much more to this but that's the gist. Any advice appreciated.

OP posts:

MsPavlichenko · 14/03/2017 23:42

My son is called after my late DF, born eight years after his death. I had no thought to either ask or discuss it with anyone other than my XH. Not my DM, or my DGPs (who were both alive), or my DD's siblings. Why would I?

GreyStars · 14/03/2017 23:43

It's not a name she has to you either, as it's the OPs sons middle name.

Most would see it as a lovely gesture, and a nice way to remember your DH father.

I agree with another poster, count your blessings and just back away slowly from the nasty woman. Don't try to please her anymore let her get on with it

TheFormidableMrsC · 14/03/2017 23:45

I gave my DD my mother's name as a middle name and told her after she had been registered...she was absolutely delighted...and now my mother is dead it means that much more. Semanwen you are being ridiculous.

OP, she is utterly toxic, leave it to your DH to deal with, concentrate on your babies. As a previous poster said, smile and head tilt. Don't give her the oxygen. Congratulations on your newborn

Italiangreyhound · 14/03/2017 23:51

MILDrama "DH is also devastated. He's totally with me when it comes to her behaviour as he had a miserable childhood but has tried hard as it's his only remaining parent. We're trying to take a reasonable stand as she's been such a bully but it seems we're at an impasse."

OP, please stop being reasonable, if a boy or girl were bullying your child in the playground would you want to be reasonable, to faciliattae more bullying?

No.

Ask your dh to consider some counselling to recover from the shit of his childhood. Then decide to go low or no contact with her or simply to allow her to cut herself out of your lives.

"I'm not sure I understand semanwen's comment" That's because it is ridiculous.

"Plus we didn't use my father's name for my only son as we thought it would upset her!"

Please stop centering this woman in your lives, she does not deserve it.

MILDrama "My DH worries that this will tear the family apart, something he promised his dad he wouldn't let her (MIL) do." He is really not bound by a promise he made to his father which he may be powerless to do anything about. His duty now is to you and your children. Please get him to get some counselling to get free of this. His father may have requested this in good faith by your dh needs to be relieved of this duty, it is NOT his responsibility.

"My MIL has also said to me that she'll never forgive me for not letting her take my daughter home from the hospital when she was born?! How am I supposed to make that better??" You are not, you too must see she is either unhinged or very manipulative and really hot someone to be left around your kids unsupervised. I'd only want her in my life if she could behave.

Really, you and your dh need to centure your own kids, not wider family. The kids are what is important for you, they are children, the adults in the wider family may need to work this shit out by themselves.

You sound lovely, and kind, please save your energy for your own kids.

Italiangreyhound · 14/03/2017 23:53

... not someone to be left around your kids unsupervised. I'd only want her in my life if she could behave.

Littlechip · 14/03/2017 23:57

Semanwen kind of has a point - if MN is so strongly in favour of using the name 'to honour his father' then it follows that you might want to show some respect to his mother by asking her opinion.
Not that I think it matters as I think you might not ever please her.

Original poster

MILDrama · 15/03/2017 00:06

Thank you all for taking the time to reply, it really means a lot. I know that probably sounds daft not knowing any of you but I've been feeling so isolated recently and it took a lot for me to post.

OP posts:

Atenco · 15/03/2017 00:09

If this woman was genuinely interested in her grandchildren she would not be thinking up such ridiculous reasons not to see them.

When you know someone is impossible to please then at least you have the freedom of not having to try to please them anymore.

Could you and your husband turn it into a light-hearted joke about what she will find to be upset about this time?

And as for family, take your children to visit your family as often as possible.

TheresABluebirdOnMyShoulder · 15/03/2017 00:11

My MIL has also said to me that she'll never forgive me for not letting her take my daughter home from the hospital when she was born?! How am I supposed to make that better??

Hang on, she wanted to take your DD home from the hospital? Do you mean she wanted to accompany you and DH, or she actually wanted to be the one to drive DD home? Struggling to understand what on earth she thought she ought to have been allowed to do.

OP, you will never please this woman. Her expectations are so out of touch with reality and what is normal, that you can never be on the same page. Whether you attempt to maintain a relationship with her or not is down to you and DH, but you have to accept that you will never please her and she will fall back on her ignore/abuse tactics when she doesn't get her own way.

Comedyusername · 15/03/2017 00:15

Like lots of people have said, just ignore her and enjoy these precious early days with your children. You won't get these days back and you'll regret letting her upset you so much. It's her problem, not yours.

We used our dead fathers' and grandfathers' names for our boys' middle names. Didn't cross my mind to check with anyone. I assumed our children, our choice.

And congratulations BTW

Original poster

MILDrama · 15/03/2017 00:17

TheresABluebirdOnMyShoulder - she wanted to take my daughter home herself. I had an emergency section and she said she was trying to be helpful.

OP posts:

Topseyt · 15/03/2017 00:19

Littlechip, I don't think this woman has actually done anything to earn respect.

She is a bully, and bullies don't garner respect in my book.

Nobody needs to ask permission to use any name. My DD1 was named after my maternal grandmother. I didn't ask my mother before using it. It wouldn't have occurred to either of us that I should.

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 15/03/2017 00:21

OP it speaks volumes that your DH made that promise to his father. FiL obviously knew exactly what MiL is like and what she's capable of doing. Your DH's promise may have been made with the best of intentions to reassure a dying man, but I suspect that FiL would never hold it against him if he was unable to keep it. And MiL's need for control is so great that he has no hope of keeping it.
Keeping your own little family safe so that she doesn't get the chance to make your children's lives as miserable as DH's was should be his priority. If he feels able, and if other family relationships are strong enough, perhaps he could try to keep all other members of the family together and not let her come between them all - but that, as I say, depends on other dynamics within the family.
Sometimes people feel that they have to placate someone like MiL at all costs, because it would break up the family or, as in this case, because she's the only parent he has left. But it's not always the case that any parent is better than none.

CakesRUs · 15/03/2017 00:29

She sounds really controlling. I don't see the fuss about middle names, they're a token name really, it's not like they're used on a daily basis. Good luck!

Italiangreyhound · 15/03/2017 01:08

MILDrama "Thank you all for taking the time to reply, it really means a lot. I know that probably sounds daft not knowing any of you but I've been feeling so isolated recently and it took a lot for me to post."

Glad to have been of service, keep posting if it helps.

"...she wanted to take my daughter home herself. I had an emergency section and she said she was trying to be helpful."

You know that this is, of course, a total lie on her part. If she had been doing this to be helpful she would have accepted that this was not helpful and she would not wish to burden you with the feeling she could not forgive you. I am not even sure a hospital would allow a baby home without their mother.

My baby stayed with me in hospital for 11 days after my C-section. Even my husband, the baby's father would not dream of asking to take her home without me!

Your MIL is quite barmy if she believes any mother would allow another to take her baby anywhere unless she were totally incapable of caring for her. I was quite poorly after C-section but was still trusted to care for my baby in the hospital. So your MIL is bats.

kiwigeekmum · 15/03/2017 01:36

My MIL has also said to me that she'll never forgive me for not letting her take my daughter home from the hospital when she was born?!

I think this speaks volumes about the level of batshlt crazy you are dealing with here.

My DH worries that this will tear the family apart, something he promised his dad he wouldn't let her (MIL) do.

Again, very revealing.

If you don't want to / can't cut contact completely, then I would suggest you minimise contact as much as possible. (It sounds like she is making that easy for you at the moment.) Keep visits and conversations infrequent, brief, polite and superficial. If she starts to go on about something, try not to engage. If necessary, smile, nod, say something non-committal like "That's certainly one way of looking at it." then redirect the conversation / change the subject if possible.

It sounds like she's looking for something / anything to get upset about. Just don't bite and leave her to it.

Good luck!!!

Italiangreyhound · 15/03/2017 02:06

kiwigeekmum good advice.

If something is bugging you then you can always just ignore her, redirect the conversation or, as 8kiwigeekmum* says say "That's certainly one way of looking at it." (great phrase).

It is very hard to do battle with someone who will not engage.

Do not leave her alone with your kids. She has made it clear she does not deserve to be looking after them.

Reow · 15/03/2017 17:36

OP - Hang on, she wanted to give your baby a lift home to your house for you? Or take your newborn back to her house without you?

She sounds insane. I would happily go NC. Sadly your FIL isn't around to witness anything now, so if you can't honour his wishes then don't pressure yourself to.

LagunaBubbles · 15/03/2017 18:04

It is absolutely basic etiquette and good manners to ask

Alternatively in the sane world it would be pandering to a bully who is used to manipulating people.

Trb17 · 15/03/2017 18:14

@MILDrama ... I've had a MIL that sounds similarly self absorbed as yours and I've got 2 friends whose MIL and DM are both like this so I feel your pain.

Please know you will never change her and she will always be the same. You and your DH need to remain a team and instill some distance from her (or cut ties) as her toxicity should not be allowed near your DC.

It's sad ... but you can't stick a rose in an arsehole and call it a vase.

altiara · 15/03/2017 20:14

My MIL has also said to me that she'll never forgive me for not letting her take my daughter home from the hospital when she was born?!
If mentioned again, respond with "good job you didn't because I'd never forgive you for stealing my baby" in fact just repeat this in your head until you can laugh this incident off.

tear the family apart
Reinterpret this to mean "don't let her tear your immediate Family apart" - ignore her, but keep your own family unit strong before she breaks your own family apart with these batshit crazy ideas.

As for the name, tell yourselves- you named your DD after your DM, your DH named his son after his DF. You're not the first and won't be the last to do this on middle names. Think no more of it.

Can you invite DHs siblings over to maintain your relationship with them? Definitely cut out MIL so she can't control where and when.

NoWinNoFfi · 15/03/2017 20:44

Adopt a mangy-looking animal and name it after her.

Bluetrews25 · 15/03/2017 21:15

Wondering if both DCs actually have PILs name - as a surname?
As PPs have said - focus on keeping your own family together. If anyone 'tears apart' the wider family it will be MIL through her (chosen) actions.

CMamaof4 · 15/03/2017 21:34

She sounds like she thrives off of drama, I would leave her be.
She doesnt really care for your children as if she did she wouldnt not want to see them, No loss there its just a fake relationship.
Just because people are related to you it doesnt give them a right to treat you like dirt.
I gave my son my dads name as he passed, He was my Dad and it was my son, I would name him what I wanted to and so I did. Being married to someone doesnt make your relationship more important than a father child relationship semanwen.

fabulous01 · 15/03/2017 22:17

I have or rather had same problem. I made dh sort it
Do everything you can to annoy her and she won't visit. Her loss and count your blessings

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