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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want to announce my pregnancy on FB? (When DP does)

23 replies

patronsantofglocks · 14/03/2017 16:17

Hi everyone, this is my first post!

I'm 23 and 11 weeks 2 days with my first child. I have my dating scan tomorrow and DP would like to announce our pregnancy on facebook.

I'm absolutely undecided for a few reasons.

  1. what if something goes wrong?
  2. I've fallen out with many family members due to abuse I suffered from them throughout the years. (Not a recent falling out but one that will never be made right.) I'm afraid that people will wish bad for my pregnancy and my anxiety is through the roof.

My DP is so supportive, 33 and has decent family and friends. He is delighted about this pregnancy and would love to announce it to the world.

AIBU for saying that I don't want to? Am I being selfish? Please help me. I feel so alone and scared.

OP posts:
limon · 14/03/2017 16:21

Yanbu. It's your body and your choice.

Sylvannas · 14/03/2017 16:21

It should be a joint desicion. If you really don't want to share on Facebook then don't. Your DH can still tell all his family and friends. Just not through Facebook. Facebook isn't the best all and end all of the universe Wink

Derlei · 14/03/2017 16:22

You shouldn't have to if you don't feel comfortable, it's completely understandable. I was the same and there was no news on social media of my pregnancy until after the birth.
Maybe you would be happy for DP to create a group on FB Messenger of people he'd like to share the news with, that way it's private and is not plastered on the newsfeed of random people he or you might not know very well

Klaphat · 14/03/2017 16:22

No-one needs to announce this kind of thing on Facebook, so YANBU. If you don't want to, you don't want to.

OhDearToby · 14/03/2017 16:25

Yanbu. It's not the only way to tell people.

I have never announced a pregnancy on Facebook and I'm on my third! In my case it's because a) a few close friends have had losses and I don't want to rub it in their faces and b) it feels like a very private thing and I don't want someone I've not spoken to in 5 years knowing the contents of my uterus.

Macauley · 14/03/2017 16:29

I didn't until baby arrived. The people who we wanted to know we told in person.

MargaretCavendish · 14/03/2017 16:29

To be clear: ultimately, this is up to you two, and if you don't want it going on FB at all, I think he should respect that. One possible compromise, though: what if he posted it on his own account, without tagging you (he could say 'patronsant and I are expecting' and just not turn the name into a tag)? Presumably your family wouldn't have him as a friend?

TheOnlyLivingDeadBoyInNewYork · 14/03/2017 16:31

Yanbu. It's your body and your choice

No. Her body her choice extends to all decisions to do with her body. It does not extend to what other people decide to type on FB.

You can ask him not to, but you can't control it.

But why would you have people connected ton you that you have fallen out with on your FB anyway? And if anything happens, everyone will know either way anyway.

Original poster
patronsantofglocks · 14/03/2017 16:33

I'm not connected to anyone I've fallen out with OP.

But there is always a degree of separation with family members.

OP posts:
SockQueen · 14/03/2017 16:33

YANBU but HINBU to want to tell people - just FB is not the best way if you're not comfortable.

We struggled with TTC, and I hated seeing pregnancy announcements with scan pictures on FB. It hurt even more than baby pictures, because it was the pregnancy bit I was failing at at that point. So I decided not to announce it on there in case it hurt any of my friends who were also struggling in silence. DH wanted to, but respected that it was essentially my personal medical information so kept quiet. We didn't hide it, so it came up in conversation on there occasionally, and everyone important knew before the baby was born.

Roanoke · 14/03/2017 16:47

If you've fallen out with family members why are they connected to your Facebook?

If they're not, just make the post friends-only and they can't see it.

You can also select audiences. If you don't want X or Y to know, you can omit them from being able to view it.

I dunno. Yes, it's your body etc but it's also his child and if he wants to do an announcement it seems silly not to let him just because you have the uterus and therefore some sort of veto.

My DH is very anti-Facebook and very private, so I am not allowed to post pictures of him, talk about him, mention him, refer to him on Facebook in any way even though that means I can't talk about, well, a big part of my life really. Yeah, OK, I get he's uncomfortable, but that's the thing with shared lives, shared news, shared anecdotes - they're shared and you don't get automatic veto rights.

I dunno. Just seems a sort of gentle nice thing to do, but then my FB is a drama-free zone and I don't have anyone on there I don't know and trust. I have no connections to people I would not want to see my news.

The compromise is he announces it on his page only, to his friends, because it's his news to share, and basically doesn't mention you at all, which is how I have to talk about my DH.

Original poster
patronsantofglocks · 14/03/2017 16:50

Just reiterating here- I am NOT connected to anyone I don't want to be on Facebook

My sexual abusers were family members and although I have cut them out, OTHER family members have not.

OP posts:
Areyoufree · 14/03/2017 16:50

YANBU. I think in situations like this, you have to go with the person who doesn't want to announce the pregnancy yet. Kind of like if one person wants to know the gender, and the other one doesn't - you go with the one who doesn't.

QueenInsomnia · 14/03/2017 17:19

I'd say it needs to be a joint decision, therefore if you are against posting the announcement then your DO should respect that. If you're happy to tell a select few people, then let him be the one to share the news. It sounds like he is excited, and just wants to shout to the world 'I'm going to be a dad!'.

I didn't announce my first pregnancy until 20 weeks, and something still went wrong (which I'd rather not go in to.. but it's nothing that should affect a pregnant unless you're the 1 in a million I was). I am pregnant again (14 weeks), and will not be announcing until we know the sex of the baby, so around 20 weeks again.

SpikeGilesSandwich · 14/03/2017 17:40

It's a tricky one, I really wasn't comfortable with it either but DH wanted to tell everyone. I didn't feel like I had the right to tell him he couldn't do it so after the 12 week scan, he put something on his Facebook (not the scan photo, that was too personal) and I just ignored it. He posts pictures of our baby occasionally too, I just keep reminding myself that it's his baby too and I need to pick my battles, he is entitled to a different opinion and as much as part of me would like to, I can't control everything. I hope you work something out between you.

BeaderBird · 14/03/2017 17:50

I wasn't happy to. I was nervous and didn't want the attention. I did announce the birth and it was lovely when so many people were suprised! I'm not very social and hadn't seen many people during my pregnancy so it was a great surprise. I just wanted to get my baby here and I didn't want to have to talk about the pregnancy with people so I didn't share the news.

ememem84 · 14/03/2017 18:05

Mil just announced mine on fb. I wasn't going to do the fb announcement.

IDontLookMyAge76 · 14/03/2017 18:07

I've not made an announcement on FB and when I told ppl (in person, over phone/text) I asked them not to say anything on FB because I have a lot of arms length ppl on FB and others I know who wouldn't be supportive so why invite the hassle?

There are plenty other ways to communicate than FB but if your man insists then I would suggest he make a private chat group or something so it's not just on his page where anyone can see it.

patronsaintofglocks · 14/03/2017 19:02

If my MIL announced it I would throttle her
(Lighthearted)
But would be very cross

ememem84 · 14/03/2017 19:07

patron I want to punch her in her stupid face. I am cross.

But she's 12500 miles away from me. So it's involve a plane ride to punch her and I'm not violent!!

I'm trying to retain the high ground.

patronsaintofglocks · 14/03/2017 19:11

Feel for you with greatest sympathy!
My MIL asked to 'not be involved' and that stung- but think is preferable to yours!
(I call her Myra Hindley behind her back)

MimiSunshine · 14/03/2017 19:18

With the way you can control settings on fb I think it would be unfair to blanket ban him from posting as he really wants to and it's as much his call as yours (although I totally see why you don't want to).

So I'd say as long as he doesn't tag you in the post it would be fine. He could just write your name instead or even just put 'Thrilled to announce I'm going to be a daddy, Baby Hisname Yournane expected October 2017'

Also make sure his settings are 'friends only' on that post (they can be tailored on individual posts) rather than friends of friends, he can even click 'friends except...' and block anyone you'd rather not see it i.e. Your family members he has on his friends list

Oh and congratulations 👍🏻

Ohyesiam · 14/03/2017 20:48

How could it be selfish to not do something that make you feel uncomfortable, especially when the blame for that rests on abuse from family members.

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