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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be mad at in laws?

51 replies

Justamummy1 · 13/03/2017 17:52

OK I need to write this as structured as possible so I'm going to do points and you can say if any/all are unreasonable.

  1. they babysat my 5 month old when I had my first ever keep in touch day with work, that morning baby got ill with a cold and a bad chest and I asked them to please keep her inside, they said yes. 3 hours later I get a pic of them out and said we needed a little walk. Bit annoying but ok a little walk won't do any harm. 3 hours later again a text saying still put had a lovely day...
  1. I have a really bad back since very fast labour (under docs for it) makes it impossible to rock my baby which is upsetting enough. I've asked everyone who holds her not to rock her as for days after she's been rocked she can't be settled any other way and I either need to put her through upset or put myself through pain. They agreed but rock her in front of me everytime I see them, when I ask them to stop they say I'm criticising them.

3.i don't like my baby having a dummy except from for bed and they keep giving her one when I'm out of the room when she isn't even crying. I don't even take one to their house anymore so they call me mean mum.

  1. When DD was 4 days old FIL stick his finger in her mouth, I said have you washed that (I didn't care even if he had because I found it gross) he said no. Now they keep telling DP I have depression and need help because I didn't want germs in the babies mouth
  1. Every time I see them they ask me everything, this sounds stupid but it really is everything. Are you going back to work, are you enjoying being a mum, what do you do with her all day, are you over the labour etc etc. I see them once or twice a week so mostly the answers don't change and I'm sick of saying the same thing over and over

Genuinely interested what people think

OP posts:
QueenInsomnia · 13/03/2017 18:42

That would irritate me to OP. You said your DP has issues with them too, but doesn't like talking about it. However you're both still seeing them 1/2 times a week! I think that's your answer, minimise contact. Once a month is plenty. If they kick up a fuss tell them baby is getting older and you'd really like to have days together as a family enjoying days out/in. When you do see them you need to speak up when you're not happy. She is your child, and you are entitled to raise her as you please without an interference. One of my biggest problems with my in laws when my DS was a baby, was the disregard for following my sons routine. Used to really get on my nerves, as they didn't have to deal with the problems that followed after. Now he's 2 they hardly bother with him, think it's just the baby stage that they like to have control over. Pregnant again, and already dreading the interfering when this baby arrives. I feel your pain, but make sure you stand up for what you want.

Vegansnake · 13/03/2017 18:42

You are seeing them too much.once a month is adequate

Original poster
Justamummy1 · 13/03/2017 18:43

I agree, I think they've just been excited to have a grand child and I've never wanted to say no to them seeing her, I'll try to minimise contact without being rude

OP posts:
Mummyme1987 · 13/03/2017 18:43

Whatever they feel about the way you do things, if they want to look after your baby then they do it your way. You asked them not to do things and they don't respect you enough to comply. Cut contact down and until they do things the way you want keep away.

Mummyme1987 · 13/03/2017 18:44

I can see this going the way of them feeding her stuff you don't want her to have etc.

Marmalady75 · 13/03/2017 18:44

1 - annoying and rude
2 - unfortunately some people do it without thinking, but if you have asked several times they are being rude ignoring your request
3 - again, annoying and rude. I'm the opposite with dummies, but my sister pulls it out of ds's mouth if he pops it in when she is there (also rude and annoying!)
4 - yuck!
5 - they are probably stuck for things to talk about, so although this would quickly become annoying perhaps you need to bring up some different things to talk about (or just spend less time with them).

ohfourfoxache · 13/03/2017 18:44

The massive red flag here for me is that your dh is scared of them. That isn't a good sign AT ALL.

Personally I'd be reducing contact massively and it would only happen with dh around.

Mummyme1987 · 13/03/2017 18:46

I had an mil who would feed my baby dangerous stuff like uncut grapes and stuff she had an slight allergy to if I even went to the loo when I was there.

pictish · 13/03/2017 18:48
  1. Yabu - being outside wouldn't have affected her cold so you were telling them to stay in the house for nothing.
  2. Yabu - rocking a baby is instinctive.
  3. Yanbu - if you don't want to use a dummy that's up to you.
  4. Yabu - you're being precious.
  5. Yanbu - repetitive conversations are tedious.
Mummyme1987 · 13/03/2017 18:48

They didn't respect me as a mother and did what they want. I just hope this doesn't happen to you.

Original poster
Justamummy1 · 13/03/2017 18:49

Fair pic tish, just wish they hadn't have said ok then done it anyway

OP posts:
EvonneGoolagong · 13/03/2017 18:53

I think I would feel exactly the same as you.
I'm not a fan of my in laws at all and how they are with DS. The only way I've found to deal with it is bluntness, less contact and even then only ever with DH there to deflect and diffuse the situation.

Hope you back feels better soon!

LittleL232 · 13/03/2017 18:58

I know exactly how you feel about the constant questioning.

I've finally put it down to them feeling like they just need to fill every second with words and actually, I could give much more basic answers and they probably wouldn't notice. It made me feel really anxious for a long time though as if everything I was doing was being monitored because it was literally everything being questioned, even down to how many pieces I was going to cut a banana into for DS, and what shape I would do them in. I always presumed my answer was wrong because I was the first time Mum, and they'd done this before. Definitely not so.

LittleL232 · 13/03/2017 19:00

Yep, I do the same as EvonneGoolagong.

TinselTwins · 13/03/2017 19:03

Use different childcare. See them socially instead.

summerholsdreamin · 13/03/2017 19:10

Sorry rocking a baby is instinctive

GreenShadow · 13/03/2017 19:12

It may seem minor to some people but I really get the repeating the same questions over and over. We have BiL lodging with us at the moment (which could easily be several threads in themselves if I could be bothered) and he is the same - several times a day we get the same question and same comments. It is so wearing. I'm afraid I ignore him most the time now but it doesn't stop him and he doesn't take the hint.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 13/03/2017 19:32

Agree with Summer, regarding the rocking.
Mean Mummy, bang out of order. 😡
Find alternative child care OP, where you can call the shots!
See them once a fortnight, that should be a good and fair compromise.

TinselTwins · 13/03/2017 19:38

I would find it REALLY hard not to rock.

I rock instinctively if I just hold a doll !

I'ld try not to, but it would start up again without me noticing.

imonaplane · 13/03/2017 20:48

vegansnake "once a month is adequate". I hope you never have a son who has a child with someone who thinks visiting once a month is adequate. I would be distraught if this happened to me. OP I think you need to relax a bit. Nothing you have said strikes me as being even slightly out of order. YABVU.

TinselTwins · 13/03/2017 21:02

I hope you never have a son who has a child with someone who thinks visiting once a month is adequate. I would be distraught if this happened to me

Seriously? I see my very favourite people about once a month if they live near! that's loads when people have lives! I'ld be delighted if my kids wanted to see that much of me!

I see the people I'm not mad about but have a duty to see once or twice a year!

imonaplane · 13/03/2017 21:04

Yes, seriously.

smilingsarahb · 13/03/2017 21:12

It's generally best to do what mum wants to be done and to do the opposite is undermining. Taking a well wrapped baby for a walk is reasonable so I can see why they did and perhaps found it odd you said not too -but you asked them not to so they shouldn't have. I also think the rocking thing is almost instinctive I get passed a baby and rock, but again if you say not to its up to them to work harder to not rock and they shouldn't undermine you. The finger thing is gross. The questions are boring but perhaps they struggle to find things to say. I hope you back improves.

pictish · 13/03/2017 21:26

I'm one of the few here who trusted my in-laws to care for my babies and left them to it. It would never have occurred to me to express a preference as to how they spent their day. I wanted them to enjoy it.

Don't know why everyone's getting so het up about the finger...it wasn't a stick of shit. I'd probably have grimaced at my fil doing this but would have forgotten about it an hour later.
It doesn't do good to make mountains out of molehills. Life is hard enough.

"Obviously you need to:

a) be busy, too busy to meet that often, maybe once a month at a push
b) get paid childcare who can be fired at will"

Get paid childcare who can be fired at will. I ask you.

Naughtyfrog · 13/03/2017 21:38

YANBU

  1. W