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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I being a big meany. Ill child

49 replies

Whatthefudger · 13/03/2017 08:50

Background- DS 10. Is saying (again) that he feels so sick he can't go to school. He's done this a few times now. I have previously just sent him in, but more often than not, I'll get a call aroud 11am asking that I come and get him. I've spoken to the school about it before and they've said it's not up for them to judge how ill he is. If they feel he's not eating etc. and complaining of feeling sick. Then they will send him home.

Luckily DS and I are pretty close and he absolutely assures me there is no issue with school. So either he does feel so sick so frequently or he just literally can't be arsed with school. Just to avoid drip feeding, we've been backwards and forwards to docs and they have found so far that there is nothing wrong.

So today he's got up white faced, crying saying he feels sick and hasn't eaten. So he's having a day off. I work full time, but luckily Dsis works shifts and she will have him today. Now traditionally if he goes there he lounges on her sofa watching TV and netflix playing on his phone. I have cracked a bit today and said if he is so poorly he can't be at school he can spend the day in bed, without a TV, his phone, but he can take some books. Dsis thinks this is a bit harsh but I think it's reasonable. What do you think?

OP posts:

MumW · 13/03/2017 09:53

When my DDs were this age and sick, they were allowed to watch the BBC educational programmes or read. I made it a policy that being off school sick wasn't fun - especially if they were not ok to be in school but not sick enough to be asleep in bed all day. If he's missing a lot of school you could ask his teacher to give you any exercise sheets he's missed and make him do those as homework.

If you suspect he may be trying it on then you definitely need to make a stand. If Dsis won't come on board and he's only ill on days she can look after him, it will tell you something.

You are not being mean, you are teaching him life lessons. You can't bunk off school/ throw a sickie at work everytime you feel a bit nauseous hungover or have a mild cold.

diddl · 13/03/2017 09:56

White & not eating could be anxiety though, couldn't it?

It probably depends on how soon he gets his appetite back & perks up?

My son had a stage of not wanting to go to school not that long after starting. We were more or less carrying him downstairs & spoon feeding him.

Thought that he was being bullied but he has dyslexia.

Point being he was often white & off his food because of anxiety. as he found school such a struggle.

BillSykesDog · 13/03/2017 10:04

I would get him properly checked out before writing it off as anxiety. Especially if he says it's not. I had it written off as anxiety and told people until I was blue in the face that I wasn't anxious and nobody listened and I ended up extremely ill. There is a tendency not to listen to teenagers that we would be horrified to come across for adult patients.

NuffSaidSam · 13/03/2017 10:04

It's absolutely the right thing to do.

If he is sick, then lying down quietly in a dark room is the best thing for him.

If he isn't sick and he's pulling a fast one then he needs to be persuaded that going to school is more interesting than being at home.

I would consider anxiety as a cause though. It's often behind feeling sick/stomach upset in otherwise healthy people.

SoEverybodyDance · 13/03/2017 10:07

If my son's too ill to go to school, then he has to go to bed and sleep. He hates the idea of that so much that he'll never try it on. If he's really ill though, then he'll want to be in bed.

diddl · 13/03/2017 10:14

Kids are often downstairs on the sofa though I think as it's easier than having to keep going up to them to see if they need anything-or is that just me?

Of course you can be not well enough for school but not ill enough for bed, although I can see why you're trying to get to the bottom of it all Op.

Adults don't make themselves stay in bed all day, do they?

And some have a day off just because!

Judydreamsofhorses · 13/03/2017 10:15

As kids, we were pretty much sent to school unless our limbs were falling off. The only time I can ever remember being home was with sickness bugs, measles, and chickenpox, and then it was either bed or lying on the sofa under a blanket. Being off sick is not the same as it being a weekend or holiday and doing fun stuff!

1AnnoyingOrange · 13/03/2017 10:27

Not being a meany.

DS then 7 had anxiety before school, he couldnt say it was anxiety. He didn't know why it was. He was pale and felt sick. I made it difficult to miss school. He went in and came home a few times, at home he did extra handwriting, reading and helped me with chores (if it was a day I wasnt working) not mean but not a holiday. He was always ok by lunchtime.
I told the teacher I thought is was school as was fine at weekends. Went on for some weeks. Never found out what the issue was, I genuinely don't think he knew /or could express it either. He is quite a sensitive boy.

People reading this probably think I wasnt listening or didnt try hard enough to find out, but I did try, he did try and explain but was hard to pin down to any one incident/worry /activity etc.

AcaciaYou · 13/03/2017 10:30

Yanbu, op. My mother always made being off sick as unappealing as possible. I would do the same if my dc were off sick (doesn't seem to happen though - lucky to have strong constitutions).

Adults don't make themselves stay in bed all day, do they? If I don't need to be in bed, then I can work.

And some have a day off just because! I have zero respect for adults who do that, personally, unless they are self employed.

Graphista · 13/03/2017 10:39

Is it always on Mondays? If so is Monday a day they always do pe, or swimming or spelling test or something else he doesn't like? Are you SURE he isn't being bullied?

Migraine can present as stomach ache in kids.

You've asked him, have you asked school if there's issues?

Userone1 · 13/03/2017 10:52

We don't necessarily have confined to bed, but we certainly do not have playing x-box etc when you are sick and cannot go to school!

BarbarianMum · 13/03/2017 10:56

"And some have a day off just because."

You know, I've never known someone do this and progress well in work, training or education. Most of the skivers I've met have been on 'training for work' schemes and even then they stand out (and not in a good way).

MrsJayy · 13/03/2017 11:00

Could he have acid reflux/indigestion that is why he is feeling sick 1 of my dds has it and when she was younger we didn't know that is what it was, if he is ill or not feeling great I would let him watch tv especially if it is your sister who is looking after him.

diddl · 13/03/2017 11:04

"We don't necessarily have confined to bed, but we certainly do not have playing x-box etc when you are sick and cannot go to school!"

No I agree, I just feel sorry for the kid as it seems that this is being made into a punishment iyswim.

I mean a lot of us will put tv on & lay about on the sofa after a couple of extra hrs in bed.

BarbarianMum · 13/03/2017 11:13

If the OP keeps her son in bed for a couple of these illness episodes and he continues being ill then she'll know he's not just trying it on and can reintroduce tv on sick days. If he makes a miraculous recovery then she'll know he's faking. The worst that can happen is that he has a couple of dull days in bed. He'll survive!

diddl · 13/03/2017 11:21

Well, it might depend on how desperate he is to skip school-if that is the case!

Well if he has been off that much I would have thought that OP has already done that & not be relying on her seemingly reluctant sister to do it.

Userone1 · 13/03/2017 11:24

Diddl usually when ds is actually felling unwell, he wants to stay in bed!

When he is feeling physically sick due to school related anxiety, the sick feeling usually passes pretty quickly once he doesn't have to go to school. I don't regard this as 'faking'.

Either way we don't have playing x-box! Ds is usually bored stiff, as he doesn't really watch TV even when well!

I have worked with school and his days of school related anxiety are becoming a thing of the past

Userone1 · 13/03/2017 11:26

"If he makes a miraculous recovery then she'll know he's faking"

The same could be said for anxiety, if its school related. Once the trigger ie school has been removed, the feeling of sickness goes too.

Original poster

Whatthefudger · 13/03/2017 11:28

Sorry I'm at work so it's hard to get on. I should say my sister isn't reluctant to have him but she just commented it was harsh, but she does agree. She is brilliant with looking after him and I have her two in equal measure.

I don't think he's anxious I'll have another chat with him this evening

She has just messaged though to say he's bored and is currently eating his packed lunch.

OP posts:

RubyRoseViolet · 13/03/2017 11:31

I would definitely suspect that he is feeling anxious even if he doesn't appear to be or can't tell you anything that is bothering him. If he never feels like this at the weekend or in the holidays then that must tell you something.

I felt exactly like this when I was around his age and had a really horrible teacher. I was scared of her so I started pretending I felt sick. My parents believed me and so it became a sort of strategy that I used all the time if I felt anxious or didn't want to do something at school.

Obviously he may have something completely different going on but I'd have a chat with the school about your concerns and ask that they at least try and jolly him along a bit. I teach part time and I have these chats with parents alot.

Ohyesiam · 13/03/2017 11:34

Just because he can't articulate it doesn't mean he is not anxious.

RubyRoseViolet · 13/03/2017 11:35

Or possibly not anxious.....just would rather be at home! I know that feeling!

WatchingFromTheWings · 13/03/2017 11:39

YANBU. My DS did this for a while at 14yo. I had 6 phone calls in 4 weeks saying he had a headache could I go and get him. The first few times he was straight on the Xbox as soon as he got in. I put a stop to that!

The final straw was a 7th call, again due to a headache. I turned up at the school with 2 paracetamol and told him to take them and bloody well get on with it! Told the nurse he was probably faking it and that I would not be collecting him again. I made sure he had 2 paracetamol in his school bag after that. He never used them and no more 'headache' related illness since!

gamerchick · 13/03/2017 11:42

Well that's exactly what I do OP. If they're ill enough to stay off school they spend it in bed with no entertainment. It's always worked well with my 3. If they are pulling a sickie they're reluctant to do it again because it's mega boring.

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