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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

apparently I'm really ungrateful

24 replies

Ownerofalittlechimp · 12/03/2017 15:28

OH & MIL decide to do housework today to help me out as I'm 9.5mths pg & struggling with spd, carpal tunnel & usual late pregnancy stuff. I've been doing what I can to help & entertaining other dc's.

What's happened is that in addition to the housework is MIL has taken it upon herself to re-arrange stuff in every room as she doesn't like how i have it. Every kitchen cupboard & drawer has been moved around, she's thrown stuff out she thinks I don't use, rearranged the fridge. Same with ds's room, bathroom, dining & play room.

Apparently because I'm not enraptured by everything it means I don't appreciate any of the things that have been done & am ungrateful.

I appreciate the housework help, have thanked them both profusely. But changing everything round has really pissed me off, I can't find stuff & how I had everything worked fine for us as it was.

Surely helping doesn't mean you change everything to how you want it in someone else's home?

Also comments about my DM not doing the same stuff have annoyed me. I don't expect anything thing from either of them & it's not some sort of competition (DM does lots of stuff for us & only has the use of one arm anyway).

Surely I'm not unreasonable to be a bit annoyed by this (& fully intending to spend my first day of mat leave returning things to my preference).

OP posts:

Gileswithachainsaw · 12/03/2017 15:31

Yanbu

This is where kind gestures and help move over into controlling and/or very PA behaviour.

And somehow you're the one in the wrong.

You poor thing

ImperialBlether · 12/03/2017 15:35

Hang on, why are you supposed to be grateful that your husband has cleaned the house?

As for your MIL, tell her to put everything back exactly as it was. Cheeky thing doing that to you - I bet she'd kick off if you did that to her house.

flapjackfairy · 12/03/2017 15:36

I would be livid tbh.
Damned cheek to rearrange and throw things out !

Allthebestnamesareused · 12/03/2017 15:37

Get your OH to put it back where it should go, assuming he knows.

why wouldn't he be doing the housework anyway, whether you are incapacitated or not?

ButtercupChain · 12/03/2017 15:40

OMG this would do my head in. YANBU 'owner.' I bloody hate well-meaning people trying to organise my life for me, tell me what's best for me, and who stick their sticky beaks in my goddamn business. Including relatives.

It's so hard to say sod off though isn't it? Because people mean well! (Usually!)

I would tell your husband that you are not happy about stuff being moved about. WTF? Why has she done that?

mumwithovertime · 12/03/2017 15:48

Thing is , it's only helpful if they actually do what you want , so it HELPS you ! Otherwise it's not really help as it sounds like they've created a job for you
My OH does tonnes for me but over the years we've worked out that it's only help if he does something that makes my life easier , not creating more work
He is brilliant though !

PyongyangKipperbang · 12/03/2017 15:49

Well I would suggest that someone who lives in the house doing housework is not "helping out" but pulling his weight.

And no, you shouldnt act grateful that someone has taken it upon themselves to change around everything.

Your OH now has another job to do doesnt he? Putting everything back!

ChuckDaffodils · 12/03/2017 15:50

Why are they helping you? Are you the cleaner and have they come to work with you for a reason?

Benedikte2 · 12/03/2017 16:03

Next time your at MILs house start moving stuff around in her kitchen cupboards etc. When she asks what you are doing say you thought they were better organised that way, see what she says.

JaneEyre70 · 12/03/2017 16:05

My DH has got OCD, and is a PITA in the kitchen for moving stuff about. I've managed to keep it mostly my domain as I'm the cook of the family but when I was ill in bed with flu once, he decided to take advantage and move all the cupboards round. He was so proud of his efforts, and couldn't wait to show me. I just looked, counted to ten very slowly and said wow I'm looking forward to all the lovely meals you're going to do now it's your kitchen and not mine. When he'd had scrambled egg on toast yet again for tea 4 days later, he had a hissy meltdown and it all went back. Don't back down OP, and if he and MIL are so proud of their efforts, leave them to it.

RaspberryOverloadsOnChilli · 12/03/2017 16:14

Yes, your OH can definitely be spending time putting stuff back how it was.

Your MIL overstepped the mark bg time. Not her house or kitchen to change, and she certainly had no right to throw anything out as it doesn't belong to her.

No, I see no reason why you should feel grateful. Your OH doing stuff in the house is what most people would see as being his share anyway, he's not "helping".

And the digs at your DM need to be addressed, too.

Original poster

Ownerofalittlechimp · 12/03/2017 16:18

Apologies for my phrasing, I didn't mean to imply I'm the only one who does stuff normally. Oh does do stuff but has this thing about 3 times a year when he decides a blitz is in order (not remotely fussed any other time mind but that's probably another thread!). Today was that day but even when we normally do a top to bottom clean we don't pull out all cupboards etc. Oh wasn't involved in the rearranging tbh he was doing actual cleaning & he won't have noticed that things are different at all.

MIL said I wouldn't want all the breakable/heavy stuff in low cupboards with the new baby. Cos newborns are well known for rooting in kitchen cupboards & taking out plates etc . This was said immediately after she spotted my cupboard lock kit & commented on it! I've only got one wall cupboard any way & no space for more so all other storage is under counter. Perhaps I should invest in hammocks to hang from the ceiling, shove everything in there.

Thanks for confirming I'm not bu everyone. She's gone now so no chance of a correction & Oh out to watch footy. I'm just seething at at home & getting more annoyed everytime I spot a new "improvement".

OP posts:

TheUpsideDown · 12/03/2017 16:19

My nan used to do this and jesus christ it pissed me off.

SHE decided when I got a new job that involved 12 hr day & night shifts she would come round once a week and do a clean for me. I told her I appreciated the gesture but I could manage. But she absolutely insisted.

But every time she'd been round I'd come home and something would no longer be where I used to keep it. Drawers, cupboards and furniture would be totally rearranged and things she considered 'junk' would be thrown away.

But if I dared to complain she'd get all moody and call me ungrateful to pther family members behind my back.

She even once went as far as rearranging my bedroom, and discovered one of my ladies 'toys' and decided to store it elsewhere!...then bold as brass told me she "approved" of my toy if it meant I didn't have to sleep around to get my "cheap thrills"

God rest her soul (she died of cancer a couple of years ago) but she was a batshit crazy control freak.

YANBU

Janey50 · 12/03/2017 16:27

As someone who gets beside myself with rage irritated if someone in my household so much as puts a knife away in the wrong drawer or a plate in the wrong cupboard,this would piss me off beyond belief. I mean,really? What sort of person goes into someone else's home and rearranges everything to suit themselves? Downright weird,controlling behaviour IMO. I would tell her to put it back as it was. As for throwing stuff out 'that you don't use', well,words fail me.

gillybeanz · 12/03/2017 16:28

I'd be annoyed at your dh for not stopping her tbh.
I know mine would have said "thanks but we like it like this".
YANBU, I would be mad as hell about this.

LucklessMonster · 12/03/2017 16:35

OH & MIL decide to do housework today to help me out

Why the fuck is your partner doing housework to "help you out"? Isn't it his house as well?

That's bad enough, before you get to his mother throwing out your things and rearranging your house!

user1486915549 · 12/03/2017 16:46

I would go mad at OH, why didn't he stop her ?!
Make it quite clear to MIL how much extra work she has created for you as you are having to put everything back where it belongs.

IamFriedSpam · 12/03/2017 16:49

YANBU. Throwing stuff out and rearranging everything would drive me mad. When you say OH do you mean your OH or your MiL's partner? If it was yours then he's hardly helping you out he's just doing what he should be doing and he should have stopped his mum rearranging everything.

Bitofacow · 12/03/2017 16:53

TheUpside just your "cheap thrills" - how do you get you more expensive thrills? at your nan.

MatildaTheCat · 12/03/2017 16:55

Oh, I have the rage just reading this. My MIL rearranged all my kitchen cupboards whilst I was in hospital having ds1. I felt so bloody invaded. She and FIL also used to pop in when we were out or away and do stuff without any sort of prior warning or permission.

Then I'd be invited to notice and be thrilled at the newly cleaned airing cupboard, the freshly hoovered underside of the sofa etc. It still gives me the rage 20 years later.

The final straw was them babysitting whilst we went out for our tenth wedding anniversary and when we returned feeling chilled and loved up I was treated to a full explaination of how she had scrubbed my kitchen bin and how filthy I'd let it become. That was the day I said something.

Nip it in the bud as, if she's like my mil this won't improve.

GurneyGob · 12/03/2017 17:27

Agree, nip it in the bud or after the baby comes she'll be round to "help" doing all sorts of PA crap and making your life stressful.

Headofthehive55 · 12/03/2017 18:01

I'd rearrange it making your H help. Make it known that it didn't work for you the new arrangements, and you're exhausted having to put it all back!
I once went into hospital and my mum did just that. I was mortified. She rearranged my cupboards. She's not done it again.

JoJoSM2 · 12/03/2017 19:01

I'd find it infuriating and be reluctant to ask for help in the future lol

abbsisspartacus · 12/03/2017 19:15

My mil did this to my house when I was in hospital with my youngest passed me right off she swapped all my cutlery round in my drawer! Honestly she is left handed and I'm ambidextrous we do not keep our knives the same way I finally snapped when I found out she had rewashed my clean washing using tons of powder it was so stiff it was solid my ex called me ungrateful I called him lazy his mom and dad had the other kids at there house there was no fucking reason for her to be cleaning she used a month's worth of gas and electricity in a couple of days she then made it worse by telling people she "had" to clean my house the fuck she did it was cleaner when I left it

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