Trying to work out if these feelings are normal or not

[amigoingmad2]

NC for this but am a regular. I have a 6mo DS and 3 yr old DD. Thought I was coping quite well but things seem to have gone really downhill the last month or so.

It's hard to admit to feeling these things and I feel like a terrible person, but I'm suddenly not coping too well. DS's sleep is all over the place and I'm not sleeping well at night and he's now hardly napping during the day (in 30 min bursts only) I worry that I'm becoming quite impatient with him and have a feeling of resentment towards him for the constant exhaustion. The thing that makes me feel the most terrible is that when I look at him, I don't see a beautiful baby like I did with my DD...with her all the pain was somehow worth it because when I looked at her, I just thought she was so unbelievably adorable that it melted any frustration. I'm so ashamed to admit that I don't feel this way about DS...doesn't every mother look at their child and think they are gorgeous?! I feel sick with myself about feeling this way.

I'm wondering if anyone else secretly feels this way, or could this be a sign of PND or something? Sorry for the wittering on, and thanks if you've made it this far

You could be describing pnd. Get a Drs appointment or speak to your health visitor. You've taken a really positive step by acknowledging something may be wrong.

When my DS was a terrible sleeper (up until we sleep trained at 9 months) I had times where I felt like I hated him. I felt so angry and so resentful because I was just so, so tired. I actually had times where I'd shout at him when he cried (usually something like "fucking go to sleep!") and I used to push him into my DH's arms and sscream, "Just take him, I don't want him anywhere near me" before then storming out the room. It used to scare me how angry I felt with him in those moments.

I didn't look at him and think it was all worth it, I certainly didn't feel frustration melting away because I thought he was adorable - I just wanted to be as far away from him as possible.

I used to take myself off somewhere else in the house for ten minutes (on a few occasions I actually walked out the house in my pyjamas at silly hours in the morning), gather myself and then head back towards DS to try and settle him when I felt calmer.

I think a very high percentage of new parents will be able to empathise with your feelings. I think you're being too harsh on yourself though by comparing your reactions the same situations you had with your daughter - don't misconstrue that to mean that you love your daughter more, or wherever it is that you're worried about.

Do you ever have moments where you feel happy and in love with him when you look at him?

It's very positive that you are acknowledging and facing your feelings as that is the first step to seeking help