Genuinely not sure if I am being unreasonable about this.

[AchingBack]

Dh's friend's mum has recently died, funeral later this week. Dh just dropped into conversation that he is planning to go to it to support his friend-normally I wouldn't bat an eyelid however he's currently on a fixed term contract with work, finishes at the end of this month, works several hundred miles away and has to drive down every week (we're Yorkshire, job is not far out of London) which obviously costs quite a lot in petrol.
We've got hardly any savings as we used them when he was out of work before taking this contract, coupled with us literally having less than £400 in bank to last us until his next (and last) payday.

When he told me he was planning to drive home for the funeral my immediate reaction in my head was wtf surely we can't afford that?! Surely he doesn't need to drive the 3.5 hours back home to go to the service and then the 3.5 hours back to be a good friend...purely for the fact we can't afford it and the money he would spend on the petrol getting there and back would be better spent elsewhere. I could and would attend the funeral in his place to represent him (I'm also friends with his friend, albeit to a lesser extent) but am I being unreasonable thinking this?

Thanks sgt, that's was my line of thought.

Yanbu.

Dp has missed a few funerals of friends parents lately. And parents friends. Because he is self employed and would lose a days work and we just can't afford it.

I know dp sees the funeral as a chance for a bit of a social event too. And its not something we can afford to do.

Having had a few big funerals over the last few years although we did appreciate that people came we definitely didn't think twice about those good friends who couldn't mke it especially if they didn't know the deceased well. And there were plenty that came more for the wake than the actual service.

If you can't afford it you can't afford it. A card and either a donation or flowers is enough.

YANBU

Thinking things through from every angle is not unreasonable. You're clearly not being uncaring, just realistic about your finances and where help might be best timed.

Hope things get better soon

If he did't even know his mate's mum then No, YANBU.

YABU
One way or another, in 10 years time the amount of money and belt tightening needed will have been sorted. If your DH is likely to regret not attending the funeral, that regret's for keeps.
I do understand how being on the bones of your arse messes with your head though.

I'm sorry you are struggling & worried, it's bloody awful. I think what Page said was spot on.

I wouldn't even attempt to stop someone going to a funeral they felt they wanted or needed to go to. There are somethings in life that are important & you can't ever 'do over'. However, in your situation I could comfortably have a conversation about whether it was necessary to go or if there's another way he can support his friend that will impact your finances less and better support his friend. If his friend will have lots of family & friends there then going isn't so important, but being around in the days, weeks, months afterwards is - when everyone else is unfortunately having to get back to normal. A calm discussion about it is fine, just choose your words & tone carefully - not easy when you're very stressed.

If he still feels it's important to go is there any way to do it that will have less impact on your finances? Could he work from home a day before/after so he's only making one trip to work & back as normal? Could he take a day or two out now & tag it on the end of the contract? Try to think outside of the box, there might be a way. If not, you'll just have to do as you said, put the petrol on the Visa card & count every penny in other ways.

I hope he gets another FT job or contract soon 💐

I see both points of view here.
Yea some things are more important than money but if you haven't physically got the money then you can't get blood from a stone surely?

If it was the difference between DH going to a funeral and my rent/mortgage not being paid then no way would he be going.
If it was a close family member then yes, I would borrow Peter to pay Paul.

Its ok to say "some things mean more than money" when your sat with a large bank account but £400 quid until next payday isn't much to live on, so I think everyone saying she should leave herself with sweet Fuck All IBU. Not the OP.

I cross posted with you.

I totally agree with what you've said. The friend has his wife, grown children & a lot of family there and you & DH are supporting him in other (frankly more useful) ways and so I think it's perfectly fine for DH to say to his friend that as much as he would like to be there, he cannot take time off as this contract is about to end (I wouldn't mention money).

YANBU. It is lovely to be a great friend and help, but if you don't know where next month's mortgage and food are going to come from you really need to prioritise. Easy to say some things are more important than money if it is the pocket money for the pub or a holiday you're cutting into.

The friend sounds like he has enough family to support him on the day so what does your DH think he will be able to do?

You can by all means 'represent' your DH and it is common to do so.

YANBU. He didn't know the lady whose funeral it is. And it will put you in debt for him to go, at a time when your finances are very shaky. Honestly, if his friend knew the circumstances of him attending, do you think he would really want him there? I know I would never want a friend to it themselves in debt to support me.

You could always suggest your idea in case he secretly hopes you want to but doesn't want to put upon you? But if he, knowing you'd be willing to represent him, still wants to go, then yabu. Though I do understand your money worries and that's really hard for you. I do sympathise. I remember only have a tenner left over a Christmas once, and couldn't buy a turkey much less a present. They were hard times but now the tide has turned and I could afford to buy all the turkeys in the shop! So hang in there. I hope he tide turns for you very soon

Money comes and goes, a funeral is only once. This time next year you'll hopefully be in a much better place financially and will be able to look back glad that he was able to go.

Thanks again everyone for your comments. I suggested bringing his days off forward by two days and working his normal days off so that hes just travelling the same amount as we budgeted for so he's going to do that.

There is a funeral of someone I have known most of my life (parent of a school friend) coming up shortly. I live thousands of miles away now and can't make it. We have sent condolences and will be sending flowers with a meaningful message to the whole family. That is all we can do in our current circumstances and we know it will be appreciated. (There will be hundreds of folk present at the funeral, I'm guessing.) I think YANBU, in the circs, OP - but whether your OH agrees, is another matter..

A year or so ago I'd have said YANBU. having lost both my parents in 12 months of each other, I can't tell you how much it meant to have friends, some of who didnt know either of my parents, come to the funeral. They too travelled 400+ miles round trips in the middle of winter.

It was a kindness to me that I will never forget.

train tickets are cheaper - esp if you use trainline.com

megabus is even cheaper

it doesn't have to cost megabucks to get there

it doesn't have to cost megabucks to get there

Wish that was true couldnt. Return on the train would be nearly £135 and there is no megabus from here to there.

It's all sorted now anyway so thanks again for the responses and also to the best wishes for his job search.