To be fed up of people telling me I have it easy...

[Oneandonly17]

...because I have an only child?

DS is 5 and because of fertility issues he will always be an only child. Today we were at a class party, and some of the mums were discussing how tired they were as their younger children weren't sleeping. I agreed that it was indeed hard work, just general chit chat as you do, mentioned that a Gro Clock had worked wonders with DS. One of the mums then pointed out she'd have to get 3, one for each of her kids, and said I was "lucky" to only have one child and that I'd "know all about it" if I had another. The other mums agreed. It wasn't said in a nasty way, but basically the implication was that I couldn't possibly know what it's like to be tired, because I only have the one child.

I have noticed this before among this group of women and in society in general. There's an idea that parents of onlies have it easy, almost that they aren't a proper family because of it. I've had loads of comments along the lines of "wait until you have had another" and I feel that my experiences of parenting are seen as not as valid as someone who has two or more.

The more I think about it, the more cross I feel. The women in question at the party are all SAHMS, but I've always worked/studied after having DS, including long shifts where I was constantly on my feet and didn't finish work until 3am, then would have to get up with DS at 7am while DH went to work. I'm not making this a sahm vs wahm thing, but I'm pointing out that it's swings and roundabouts because all families have such different set ups that make things harder or easier. Also two or three kids will play together while my son sees me as his source of constant entertainment!

I have an only, also due to fertility issues. DD used to want a sibling, but now says she is glad she doesn't have one. Having gone through the stress of GCSEs last year, currently going through the stress of year 12 this year (worse than year 11 IMO), then there will be the stress of A levels next year I am thankful that I won't have to go through this multiple times.

So in this respect, yes, it is much easier.

at Arsenal - yes, that passive-aggressive script sounds perfect! I'd echo the comments here about competitive parenting too - drove me nuts when DD was younger and I'm very pleased to find that I see so little of the other parents at secondary (actually, I wouldn't mind seeing more of them, but 14yo politics is beyond me) that it's no longer an issue at all. I think as long as you have what you can deal with, all is well. I would have liked more than one, but it wasn't to be and now I think it was probably just as well.

People say the weirdest things, mine are 4&5 and are easier now as just bumble along together, they rarely need me! Everyone has their own journey, stay strong 💪

I have done both - eldest ds was an only child until he was 11, then I had my dd, now 12 and ds2, 10, so 2.5 years between the two youngest.
I found the opposite to the op - mothers of only children are very quick to judge others' parenting and look aghast when my two were playing up.
I was told how their children would 'play for hours' withe their cars/trains/dolls, but of course, there was no younger sibling to mess their game up, was there?
I think the thing mums of only children do not take into account - and this us why it IS easier with one child - is you only have that one child to keep happy, and you subconsciously do everything their way.
For instance, my older ds was a dinosaur freak when he was younger, and every holiday was spent on the Jurassic coast, with him hammering to try to find fossils.
It was bliss - we just left him to it. But then he was the only child we had to entertain - I don't think we would have been lucky enough to have a second child interested in exactly the same thing, so holidays would have been a lot more fraught.

I can understand how you feel, but try not to take it to heart.

Parenting any number of children is hard and we all have different shit to deal with. Raising an only child has its challenges, they're just different to the challenges a family with more than one child has.

I have four children, but take my hat off to friends with 5 and 6 children, or those with just 1 or 2 children with special needs. They make my life look easy. It is sometimes.

I'm another one who agrees that its swings and roundabouts. Two children are easier in that they can play together ad maybe dont demand quite as much attention, in between the fighting. Also having two boys with similar interests has helped on a practical level. However, I do find myself looking at parents of one and being amazed by how much time they have to fuss over things and cannot help thinking that if I had had one child I would have been able to do that child properly and would be less slap dash. Also, think with one child you would have a tidier house and more down time. I have a friend who has one girl and tbh her life does seem easier, but then she does spend more time and money entertaining her child than I do.

I think you're being a little sensitive tbh. Generally I think it's common sense that the more DC you have the more difficult/hectic life will be.

Honestly? With one you are a parent and have a quite clear understanding of what sort of challenges you get raising children.

With two or more, I don't think you are more of a parent or that it has to be more difficult than with one. I know having two made it easier for me (and still is TBH) because they spend a lit of time together even playing and engertaining each other.

However, what I have leant with two dcs is that they can be very different and have very different challenges. In that respect, yes you do learn more as you have to adapt. It doesn't mean you are more or less of a parent though...

It's extremely rude and insensitive to talk about the number of others' DC, especially with people with one DC, in case of fertility issues. No need or excuse for it.

There is no "only" about one child. There is more work with 2 to some extent, but at 8 and 5 now, my 2 will play with each other and keep each other company (and listen to each other drone on about Paw Patrol/Star Wars/Harry Potter) and don't need me to entertain them. I'd say this was easier with 2+ than one.

i dont know about anyone else but when you have 1, you look back at how easy life was with none. then you have 2 and 1 suddenly seems easy and so on for 3, 4 and 5. my ds is only 5 months and lofe felt so much easier with just one but when dd was just the only life still felt hard its just hard to remember.

I know people probably don't mean anything, (when they say you have it easy only having one child,) but it is a rude and insensitive thing to say. For a start, someone who has one doesnt necessarily have an easier life than someone with 2 or 3, and the person you're saying it to may not be able to have any more children.

People may not intend to be mean saying this stuff, but they do come across as mean, and they should think before they speak.

I am a Mum to one too op and I have had it implied that I can't possibly imagine what it's like to be tired.

Well actually I can. DS has ASD and never slept until he was prescribed melatonin. At age 6. Until then he slept like a toddler - late to bed, multiple wakings and early rising. I work full time and have a chronic illnesses that causes pain and fatigue. I'm also a single parent. I know tired.

Funnily enough, the argument me an XP got the most as a reason to have a second in quick succession (which we didn't want) was "It's so much easier when you have 2! They entertain each other! You should have another soon!"

You're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't.

Surprised by some of the comments, actually. I thought you'd get more sympathy. I agree with a PP that sometimes you do just get a different crowd on here so a thread goes a certain way.

Anyway, it sounds like they didn't mean it maliciously but I do think it's a very insensitive thing to say. You never know what's behind each person's situation and they should really have thought about that before speaking. Don't suggest you hold it against them long term but understand why you were upset.

I found two much easier than one.

Ds1 is the world's best babysitter, and has always enjoyed nothing more than entertaining his brother.

I hate women who compare their lives with others in this way.
Do they live your life OP? No they don't. They know nothing about how 'hard' or 'easy' your life is.
Seriously, they need to shut up and concentrate on the choices they have made and stop playing the martyr.
All children and all family circumstances are different and anyone with a brain knows this.
YANBU OP. Tell them to wind their necks in.

I have twins, and I used to look at mothers of singles when they complained about how tired they were, and how much hard work it was, and think to myself: you don't have a bloody clue! Having one child when you're used to twins would be a doddle. I never said it out loud though.

On the other hand, as pps have said - I am not the only source of entertainment. I can sit back and relax a bit while they play together and amuse each other try to kill each other. I don't constantly have to find things for them to do. So in that respect it's much easier having more than one.

People tell me I have it easy because DH is a SAHP. They don't know, we're all the protagonists in our lives.

Shrug it off, if you can. But yes, it's horrible. Who has it worse, who has it teeny tiny bit better... It's useless. People should mind their own biscuits and live would be gravy (yup, I'm totally quoting that. Sorry )

People are thoughtless. Having suffered through our own fertility issues, comments such as; "When will you be having kids?" or "You're lucky you don't have to deal with this!" have felt very hurtful.
Or as we've gone through the difficulties of the adoption process; "Oh you can have my two!" or "It's not the same as having your own though is it?" have been equally badly received.
Yes it's annoying, yes you can feel fed up with it but people won't change & most of the time they're utterly unaware of how their words may be taken.

I don't think you should care so much. Obviously it's nonsense to suggest you're not a proper family if you only have one child. That's just absurd.

However, parenting IS different when you have more than one child. There are a whole other set of skills you need, your fuse is that much shorter, you're spread that much thinner, your children present different challenges when competitors (or siblings) come along etc etc. This is what your friends are alluding to, and are saying that you don't have experience of. I don't think they're saying that your life is easy per se ; just that you don't have to deal with all these things so it's easier in these respects .

I'm sorry about your fertility struggles.

I've been on both sides as had my DD2 when DD1 was just over 4. So she wasn't an only as long as some but I do have experience of such comments. I had secondary infertility and constantly had friends making comments such as these.

Like others have said everyone is different and what is hard for one isn't hard for another. I definitely find life different with 2 as it presents different challenges. My DD1 never gets any time with me as DD2 is 18months and very clingy and challenging. We have no family help or any help really and the age gap is such the kids don't really play together. So like having 2 onlies in a way both demanding of me. But I friend with one child who finds it all very hard. It's not a competition as our lives are all different.

Try to remember that. But also be careful with the comments about it being easier with 2 playing together. My 2 don't yet and many others I know have a nightmare with theirs entertaining each other due to sibling rivaly etc so also a very assumptive comment.

So sorry for your fertility troubles. People can be so thoughtless with their comments. Ignore them all. Xx

I know what you mean.

My dd1 was an only till she was 5 and I also felt the siting of comments about it being so easy for me. I was a single parent so definitely didn't feel easy! It did make me feel like I wasn't a proper parent at times because people seem to make "I had 7 children under 3 and I've not slept in 8 years" as a kind of status symbol.

Fwiw for some reason I find it much easier with two that I did with one!

People say 'oh it's harder with 2/3/4' but you know what's really hard? Having only one when you desperately want more but can't. Having to watch your child grow up an only when they would make such a good sibling, being judged for having it easy and your child being pigeonholed into an 'only child' stereotype when your heart is breaking for another.

Sorry, I know it's ranty but I'm not having a good time atm. I hate peoples attitude of 'oh you don't know how hard it is' everyone's got it tough in different ways.

I make a point of telling people that dd is not an only by choice, I do have other children who died in pregnancy and I'd kill for that baby tiredness and the 'tough' life of more than one.

Kitty

I feel exactly the same as you. It was as much as I could do not to snap at someone recently. I often infer the truth ("it's not always that simple") but find it hard to talk about in full.

Thank you for the kind comments. Kitty and MrsJuniper and everyone else going through the same thing

I would also rather be tired and exhausted and have more children. As it stands, over three years of secondary infertility, mc, invasive hospital procedures and heartbreak have taken their toll. Strangely enough I don't think any of the people telling me I have it easy would exchange their second or third children for that. There was nothing stopping them having an only child, but there is so many things stopping me having more. And you can't talk about it, can you, because it's not "proper" infertility and obviously I am very lucky to have the child I do have.

It's hard and it's complicated, and I wish people would have the sense to STFU and not comment on how many children you have /if you're ever going to have any etc etc.
"Small talk" and "making conversation" is no excuse, frankly. It's small talk that can be thoughtless, rude and insensitive and frankly more people should be aware of that