Lack of support from mum

[user1489138880]

Hi, this is my first time posting.

I had my first child three months ago and my mum was over the moon as this is her first grandchild (although she does have four step grandchildren). My mum goes away a lot and my due date fell just a few weeks before she was due to go away for 2 and a half months. I kept hoping she would cancel her holiday and stay to help us with my DS but every time I brought it up about how she would be missing out on the early weeks she would just say how big he'll be when she gets back. Since she has been gone OH and I have been through hell with our DS due to his silent reflux, we've had meds for him but his symptoms are at the serve end and we've been sharing the night shift as our DS can't be put on his back, not even on us! Things have improved now he's 12 weeks but we're exhausted. My mum is due home next week and I'm feeling really mixed emotions about her return, on the one hand I'm physically and mentally exhausted and need her help on the other hand I don't want her around as she's not been here for me when I needed her. I'm tearing up all the time about the situation. Is it wrong to be angry at her for not being there for me?

MrsJayy, that's the exact situation for me, thanks for posting. I think my mum imagines herself to be like my gran so I'm left feeling guilty that I don't see her like my gran. Xx

It is easier just to see your mun as a different gran yes she might see herself as this or that but don't expect is how I coped. 1 of my aunts is like supergranny and i used to get a tinge of jealousy not nice feelings I had to let it go or my resentment would be consuming.

I think it's difficult to see your parents as individuals in their own right, with lives they want to lead, and that don't revolve around you or your kids.

My ds expects us to treat him as an adult at 21, but equally expects us to be there for advice, funds and transport to and from uni (we are in different countries) when he needs it, without him considering that there are constraints on our time due to his Dads job, or that we have things we would like to do that don't involve him.

YANBU in wishing that your Mum had been there to help, but YABU in thinking she should have cancelled her trip. Realistically, you might have wanted her on some days for reassurance, or to hold the fort so you could get some sleep for a couple of hours, but this is your baby, and the buck stops with you!

I am still getting over the shock of motherhood, and my ds will be 22 this year!!

Yanbu and I disagree with the mumsnet mantra that GPs should not be helping-it's a weird British thing.
I believe families help each other-the attitude that we are all so separate is why so many old people never see a soul for days. In Europe (where I have lived) gps help with kids then when kids grow up they help their gps. It's not hard is it?
If and when my daughter has a baby I would not dream of going away for that long.

I disagree with the mumsnet mantra that GPs should not be helping-it's a weird British thing

Nobody says that they should not, but that they don't have to.

In Europe (where I have lived) gps help with kids then when kids grow up they help their gps. It's not hard is it

Europe is a big place, with lots of countries and there is no one way about it at all. I'm afraid you're talking absolutely nonsense with this point.

Italy to be precise.
No they don't have to but I find it weird they don't want to help their own child.
I think I'm entitled to my opinion Theonly thanks

It's nonsense-Italy has v few nursing homes, for example.
Families take in their older relatives.

*not

You sound like you need a break not to be told whether or not you are being unreasonable.

Hecate is right but not having any parental support (even as an adult) is very hard, yes you're not entitled to it and blah blah blah but it boils most people's piss to always come second to your parents needs as I'm hazarding a guess this isn't the first time as it never is.

Op my Gran was amazing always had her grandkids round her (there was 27 of us) I assumed my mum would be the same i didnt expect it just thought mum would be the same and it does hurt, your feelings are valid. My eldest is in her 20s and it took me years to accept my mum wouldn''t be that granny

This is my experience and feelings too mrsjay

My Mum and mil lived three and a half hours away from me when I had ds....should Mum have quit her job to help me as dh was at sea? Should mil and fil have put their lives in hold? No, they shouldn't. I chose to have a baby, and he was my responsibility, not theirs.

I live in Europe as well MrsKeats and there are plenty of residential homes in Belgium !

You're entitled to your opinion, but not your own facts. And your experience of your family in one country does not say anything at all about the other 745 MILLION people in Europe.

I agree Owl
I think also is that the GPs then sacrifice having a close relationship with their grandchildren.
You get out what you put in in life

Owllady to always come second to your parents needs My Mum needed to work to pay her mortgage, eat and build up her pension as my parents were divorced. Should her need to do that have trumped my need for a hug?

I think parents put their children's needs first very often, but there comes a point when they as adults have to deal with things on their own, and parenthood is one of those things!

It is upsetting isn't owllady

My mum didn't have a particularly easy life either but she has had plenty of time to build a relationship with her grandchildren. I don't even mean childcare or anything but love and support comes in many forms. If she visits she just just talks about herself and yes it has sacrificed the relationship she could ave had with my children. In her own head though she is wonderful :o
Yes, it is upsetting!

but it boils most people's piss to always come second to your parents needs

I imagine it boils many grannies piss to realise that their grown children, with kids of their own, STILL expect to come first above their mothers needs, and that their role as granny is far more important than them as people.
It's sad that some of you think your mothers don't deserve their own lives and interests but should be hanging around waiting to love through their grandkids.

I never said I was talking about of all of Europe I was talking about my experience.
Why so aggressive theonlyliving?

It's not about coming first though is it? What ever happened to compromise?
A holiday can be taken at anytime.

Um, I'm sorry to be blunt but it's not your mum's job to help you with your baby. A lot of people have no help at all, or the gps are worse than useless. That's life. Your mum's done her parenting, now it's your turn. I wouldn't have even thought to have asked my parents or PILs for help in those first few months because they wouldn't have done anything the way I wanted.

"I do get angry how my mum makes out that she's the same selfless mum as her sisters and cousins when the reality is very different."
Now that is a very valid thing to be angry about. And I'd be inclined to pull her up on it if she ever tried to lie give the impression to others that she was 'Granny of the Year'.

That she does it at all - she wants to be seen that way, but she doesn't want to be that way - so why does she want to be seen like that? And by whom? Because it suggests that she's a little bit embarrassed of her own behaviour, else why not just plainly say 'that's not for me'?

There's no way I'd go away for two and a half months when one of my daughters are due a baby. I'd rather lose the money and chance of a holiday than miss those first precious weeks of my grand child's life and to support my daughter. That also applies to my sons children. And I'd be there to help as much or as little as any dil wanted. So I can't understand it from her point of view.

However I guess you just have to accept that that was her priority sadly. I would take any help offered but I wouldn't bank on getting any to be honest. I know myself sometimes that mums can be a total let down as nanas. My mum has absolutely no interest in my children at all. You just have to get on with things and accept it. No point feeling bitter or angry as you are only hurting yourself.

It is perfectly possible to have a close relationship with your gcs, whilst still retaining your own identity as an individual as opposed to being regarded as having no function but that of a parent/grandmother. My Mum has a close relationship with all three of her gcs, 2 are in their last year as undergrads and one has just started an apprenticeship.

She has managed this despite the fact that both my dh and db were / are in the Forces, and that has meant that her gcs have been living in either different countries to her, or at least 3.5 hours away, in our case for a decade.

Oh op.

Expectation of what will happen with your first vs the reality of what happens is always a hard learning curve.

You are focusing on your mum because that's something tangible to blame, I guess we have all done that through life in various ways.

You've had a tough time of it by the sounds of things so don't beat yourself up, don't push your mum out either.

hope things get better soon.

Scaryteacher, I agree it's perfectly possible to maintain relationships without doing any donkey work at all. It is however completely different when there is a massive imbalance in a relationship. The op doesn't sound in any way spoilt or entitled. It's a shame there is no acknowledgement that relationships are far more complex than spoilt daughters wanting their mothers help. In my relationship it is my mother who is spoilt but like the op mum she makes out she gives me the moon on a stick :) and that's fine but through her own selfishness she's ruined any kind of deep and meaningful relationship we could have had. Instead she talks and I smile and nod. But this thread isn't about me