Problems with family and my stepson. Need advice

[MrWalker12]

Hello I am a stepdad to a 16 almost 17 year old. In our family we have my dd18, ds17 ds16 and my ds 2 who is half sibling of my stepson. I married my wife about 4 and half years ago.

We have our issues as a blended family (which one doesn't). However I have noticed something from my dss that I found quite rude. My parents are very involved in my children's lives and have extended this to stepson. They like to take the dc out on days out and on trips. My parents say that he refuses to talk to them and gets angry at them and other teens (that does happen with him at home aswell but from what it sounds from my parents it is worse). This came to a head last weekend when my dad caught him trying to take my mums car keys from her handbag. He wouldn't say why he trying to steal the keys but I assume it was to steal the car. We are a close family and we go on many outings where will take each other's kids out. But it has got to a point where my sister and her husband no longer want to take him on the trips. They took him to Alton towers for the weeekend and he behaved awfully and my nephew was punched by him as they shared a hotel room.

Like I said he can be bad with me but it's not as bad as with my family from whom he behaves terribly. So now we are in the situation where family don't want to take him on trips and don't want there dc going on our trips.

I do feel sorry for the boy he has had a tough upbringing. His parents separated when he was four his Mum is English and his dad is Albanian. He was raised by Dad in Albania, however his father passed away and he has lived with us full time since about 8 months since our marriage. So I completely get how some of this is both cultural and emotional behaviour.

I think one problem might be that my parents are very interested in people's lives and often ask him lots of questions about Albania. This might bring back traumatic memories.

Another issue is the people he associates with tend to be much older and I feel they are dodgy and not a good influence.

Overall though having said all this he can also be a lovely young man.

Bump

That's a really tough situation, isn't it?

What does he want to do with his life? Is he a student at college at the moment?

So in regards to education he is at a sixth form.

Sounds like he doesn't want to be going out with other people's grandparents! At 16/17 I really ant blame him!! He has only known them less than 4 years. They aren't his grandparents, he doesn't have the same relationship with them as your children have. It's probably really hard for him to see them all having a lovely time with their shared history when he is so far from his grandparents and the home he grew up in. Does he actually want to go on these days out?

He does want to go on these days. My parents will take the dc shopping or somewhere teenagers like. He has a choice and chooses to go.

How is the relationship between dss and your wife?

I don't think he should be going on these days out - there should be consequences to trying to steal and punching. He's not a child anymore and he didn't enter this family group until he was a teen if I've read correctly He is now a young adult who still needs care, yes, but he's not a child.

In that case then your parents can use threat of exclusion to manage his behaviour. If he won't treat them respectfully then he can't go.

Maybe he does want to go but when he does go he feels like an outsider (even if not treated as one). Maybe he watches everyone else be loving and happy together and although your parents are treating him as a GS he doesn't feel like he is.

They really must stop pushing him for info though. I suspect it is just normal teen issues that you might not be posting about if it was your DS rather than DSS. Just keep on being loving and supportive and hopefully it will be a phase and settle down.

He does face consequences for his behaviour.

He has a good relationship with his mother and it seems he has a lot of respect for her.

I think it's important he mixes with his own age group - mixing with older people sounds like it's going to get him into trouble. Does he have any friends at college?

Will he talk to you about his behaviour and why he acts like he does?

I think it's important he mixes with his own age group - mixing with older people sounds like it's going to get him into trouble. Does he have any friends at college?

Yes but he seems to hang around with older people It's concerning they are in there early 20s.