To tell him he's an alcoholic?

[Mehfruittea]

DH and I have been together 12 years. He's always been a heavy drinker. I went through a tough 12 months when I became disabled, used alcohol to control pain until I was diagnosed and correctly medicated. Now I very rarely drink at all, maybe 1 glass of wine every 3 months or so, and generally if we are out somewhere.

DH gave up drinking last year for around 3 months, then started drinking again when we went on AI holiday. He didn't give up for any specific reason, has not hit rock bottom etc. He gave up again at new year and said he would not drink till Easter. 3 weeks ago he had a night out planned for Sat. Decided he would drink, so bought some larger and drank Thu, Fri and Sat that week. He had 4-5 cans each night, a lot less than he used to drink (full bottle of wine 5-6 nights a week).

Last week he did the same, drinking Thu, Fri and Sat. But he had whiskey each night and cans of larger. Always Stella by the way.

Last night he went out but was driving so max 2 pints, then I found 4 empty cans in the bin. He's on his way home now and offered to stop at the shop, asked what we needed. I asked straight out if he was going for beer? Yes. Now is he planning 4 nights of booze?

I really prefer the sober DH. He's not abusive just thoughtless and inconsiderate when he's drunk. And it's a lot of money. I lost my job 3 months ago and we have been living on savings. I'm worried about the money, but more worried for him obviously.

We don't have the kind of relationship where either of us tells the other what to do. If he ever told me to eat less cake, he would be right that I'm overweight, but my shit to sort when I want to.

What do I do? Should I tell him I think he's an alcoholic and has a drink problem?

I am a little confused by the amount he is drinking and the number of days he is drinking. Are you increasing it to make it sound worse than it is? I am not trying to accuse you of anything just wondering what the accurate amount is that he gets through weekly.

I would also say that 2 pints of lager over two hours is very likely to put him over the limit no mater how big he is. And if he drinks heavily then drives to work early he may still be over the limit. I bought an alcohol monitor when the Scottish laws changed and it is quite staggering how little it takes to put you over the limit.

Can you afford a cleaner to do the jobs he would do? Not for him but for you

Does he drive the morning after drinking? Because it sounds like he would be well over the limit

I'm not increasing it - go back to the beginning and check. He used to drink 6 nights a week and has had 2 short spells of not drinking in the last 12 months. He is now in week 3 of drinking after his last dry spell since early Jan.

His normal drinking behaviour is described as it has been over the last 12 years. He is building up from drinking 3 nights per week for last 2 weeks to 4 nights per week this week (if this weekend is the same as the last). I am assuming his behaviour with alcohol will follow the same pattern as last time he stopped drinking. When he started again (after about 3 months) he went back on it in a big way and back to 6 nights per week.

He does not religiously and deliberately abstain for 1 day per week, so for some months he will be drinking every day with no break. When he's on the booze.

But right now he is building back up to past volumes. And PP is quite right, he is probably over the limit in the mornings.

I've got a cleaner recently, they are hard to get here, and I will be starting a new job in just over a week. I need him now to be in a position to support me emotionally as this return to work will be really tough on me.

His drinking is having a negative impact on your life and relationship. His drinking is having a negative impact on his health. On one level it doesn't matter what official label you put on his behaviour, his drinking has reached harmful levels.

I would get some support for yourself maybe through Al-Anon and possibly try to get him to focus on the health side of things.

I am a bit bemused at the amount of posters who do not think this is alcoholism. My sister was a functioning alcoholic, until she wasn't. Then she was an alcoholic.
Why does being able to go on the wagon for a period mean that the OP's husband is not an alcoholic? That's what some alcoholics do. They are still alcoholics. Even many who have been sober for years would still call themselves alcoholics.

Talk to him one morning, this weekend perhaps before he starts to drink. Honesty I suspect it wont change anything but at least you've said what's happening. I'm sorry you're going through this, I really don't think it's ok x

(Ps post on mumsnet for support about the job?)

Update:
We had a good chat after my last message on here. He admitted he was struggling with alcohol a bit and that he wasn't going to drink. That was Friday and he stuck to his word. We spoke a few times through the week, he was positive. Then out of nowhere (he may have said something weeks ago but didn't mention recently) he said on Thursday he was meeting up with a friend. It's someone he used to wrk with and hasn't seen in ages since the guy left. So DH said he would have 1 drink and drive home.

Then just before he left he said he'd ordered a taxi as he was going to meet up with some other lads as well. Literally as he's walking out the door. He was out 6 hours and at least got home safe. But was puking up in the bathroom. DS was waking through the night as has a cold. I got no sleep between looking after each of them and making sure DH doesn't drown in his own puke.

Friday morning he drove to work even though I told him he was still over the limit. Friday night (last night) we had another chat about it. I gave him the book recommended up thread and he's reading it. He didn't drink last night and he got up early this morning to read. He's talking about going to an AA meeting.

He had a breakdown last year. I've asked him if he knows whether he was drinking much heavier than he used to before or after the breakdown. I.e. Did the booze actually cause the breakdown? Rather than all the other pressures he's been trying to pin it in. We've made so many changes to accommodate his depression, but he only ever feels better when he is not drinking. I think he's getting closer to understanding and admiting that alcohol is the problem.

For all those upthead who said he isn't an alcoholic - you are wrong.

Agree the label may not have been helpful to throw at him, and I didn't in the end, but something in his understanding of his relationship with alcohol needs to change. Only then can he start to make any progress. Thanks for all your support ladies.

A person has a drink problem if alcohol is causing problems for those around them..Going off alcohol for 3 months is not unusual for an alcoholic and when they go back on its often worse. As your dh has now acknowledged, he is an alcoholic. Its good he is deciding to go to AA but it is his own decision..Dont remind him or urge him. It has to come from him..Take care of yourself and you might find alanon, even online, helpful.