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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be really pissed off at childminder friend?

58 replies

OopsDearyMe · 09/03/2017 11:18

In Jan I organised for my DC to be looked after three days a week by a local childminders who is also a school run friend. All was ready to go, but she all of a sudden decided she was stopping childminding altogether and changing career. She apologised that she was unable after all to have mine.
Since then I have seen her still doing the childminding and in the last couple of weeks has now got more children than ever on her books !!!

I have been unable to find anyone else and am currently having to struggle to manage, she knows that.

Aibu to think she should of got back in contact with me, if she was carrying on, esp as she knows how hard I'm having it!

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 09/03/2017 12:04

Actually gillybeanz has a good point.

If CMs are in short supply, perhaps there were people above you on the waiting list?

Viviennemary · 09/03/2017 12:09

She sounds unreliable and dishonest. But on the other hand she may be giving up but not immediately. So I suppose on second thoughts you should give her the benefit of the doubt. But ask her what's going on.

Knifegrinder · 09/03/2017 12:14

Maybe she's not taking on any longterm children? Our fabulous and very committed and professional childminder, who's looked after DS since he was eight months old, sort of thinks in 'cycles', of taking on babies she'll be then 'committed to' until they start school, and, as she has for the past year been working as a TA three days with the idea of doing that instead of childminding in future, won't take on any longterm new children, but is continuing to do before and after-school care while she figures things out. If she knew your children were likely to be a longterm thing, she may not have wanted to commit, especially if she's looking to get out of childminding.

SansComic · 09/03/2017 12:33

Maybe she doesn't like you or your child. Maybe she doesn't like looking after friend's children in case it makes situations more difficult

I think being "really pissed off" is way OTT.

BonnyScotland · 09/03/2017 12:36

She clearly made a decision to not take your child onto her books... respect this x

Sleepsleepnomore · 09/03/2017 12:42

i don't understand why this is ok - if there were people above you on the waiting list, why didn't she clear the air by saying that? It is weird and does smack of her not wanting to mind your children. Is it possible someone came along and offered her more money and that's why she's kept on doing it? I hope you find someone to look after your children soon.

Twistmeandturnme · 09/03/2017 12:45

I think you were bumped off the list by someone who wanted 5 days each week: so a bigger regular income for her.

Starlight2345 · 09/03/2017 12:46

It may be her children don't want your children. I am a childminder and don't look after children who my son clash with ..It isn't necessarily the other childs fault it can be a personality clash..

That I know a lot of childminders go through periods were they are going to do something else then change mind again.. It is pretty short sighted if you are on the playground to say nothing.

NewPuppyMum · 09/03/2017 12:52

Maybe she should have got back to you but it's obvious she didn't want to mind your kids, not give up child minding. Surely you wouldn't want someone looking after your kids who didn't want to do it?

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 09/03/2017 12:56

Does anyone else remember a thread from a few months ago where the OP was looking after her friend's kids but the friend was taking the piss somehow? And the OP wanted to drop them but didn't know how? Am I imagining this?

If that person wasn't talking about you OP, I'd suggest it's just a timetable clash or something. Let it go. If she's a school mum you'll probably know her for years to come and you don't want to sour relations.

EineKleine · 09/03/2017 12:56

There are lots of non-personal reasons why this could be - a bad fit with her own children, the days you wanted fitting less well or being too much/too little, bad experience of mixing friends and business.

It's a moot point really, you don't want to leave your children with someone who doesn't want them irrespective of her reasons. It's her business but also her home, she gets to choose.

QueenDork · 09/03/2017 12:57

I would assume she didn't want to have your children but was trying not to offend you. I'm guessing they are hard work / personality clash / she prefers to work with different age group / something similar. But we can only guess from the info you've given. If you really want to know, you'll have to ask her... and still may not get an honest answer. It could also make your friendship awkward. I would just accept that for whatever reason, she doesn't want to look after your children at the moment. She's entitled to choose who she childminds for.

SheSaidHeSaid · 09/03/2017 13:06

I think there's more to it. She used the change of career as an excuse because she didn't want to tell you the truth (whatever that may be) that means she won't take on your kids.

kali110 · 09/03/2017 13:08

More too it? The kids don't get on?

Snap8TheCat · 09/03/2017 13:18

Funny how stories and advice changes when you hear the other side of the coin. The cm is not obliged to look after anyone. She's said she can't and felt she needed to give a reason (whether it's true or not). Maybe that reason isn't good enough for you but tough, she doesn't have to explain herself. No one has.

IamFriedSpam · 09/03/2017 13:21

YA clearly NBU. She's screwed you over and isn't being honest with you as to why. Even if OP's children are all manic hellions she should have had the guts to refuse in the first place (leaving OP more time to find someone else).

IamFriedSpam · 09/03/2017 13:24

Maybe that reason isn't good enough for you but tough, she doesn't have to explain herself. No one has.

Of course legally everyone is free to go around being selfish and screwing over their friends. I could tell you I'm happy to pick your child up from school then text you two minutes before pickup to say actually I can't be arsed. However if you mess people around they're going to be annoyed at you. OP is also free to warn other potential customers of the CM that she might dump their children whenever she happens to get a better offer.

If you agree to provide a service you should do so unless you are unable to stick to your agreement.

LaurieMarlow · 09/03/2017 13:28

It doesn't really matter why she said no. Point is she's free to pick and choose her custom and for whatever reason she didn't choose yours.

It may have been a personal thing, but it's just as likely it wasn't. You'll probably never know.

Move on, find someone else. Nothing good can come of over-analysing, getting pissed off or dwelling on it now.

5foot5 · 09/03/2017 13:28

I think you were bumped off the list by someone who wanted 5 days each week: so a bigger regular income for her.

This explanation from Twistmeandturnme sounds the most plausible to me

OpalFruitsMarathonsandSpira · 09/03/2017 13:31

I was on a thread recently where people were up in arms about a cm keeping to the financial terms of her contract.

If you are having a hard time maybe she didn't want to put herself in the position of being labelled as immoral for charging you for childcare when you can't afford it?

Ladybirdtinselturd · 09/03/2017 13:37

Is it younger children she has taken on? Maybe she is stopping school children. As previously suggested it may be that your children clash with hers?
I am a child minder and I can honestly say that my circumstances can change at the drop of a hat, and unfortunately this will impact the families of children I care for. A family who hadn't started yet would be my first port of call to cancel. I wouldn't necessarily explain my personal reasons to a acquaintance/potential client, this doesn't make me dishonest!

MiscellaneousAssortment · 09/03/2017 13:40

I do think it's basic human decency to make up a lie that won't be rumbled!

It's so disrespectful. But it's amazing how badly some people will behave if they don't have the guts to handle a tricky or uncomfortable situation.

If she didn't or couldn't take your children for whatever reason, the mature and respectful thing to have done was to tell you in a firm yet polite way. Failing that then she should have made up a face-saving lie that would have accomplished the same thing. Lying in a way that you then find out and are left hurt and upset and confused is just not a nice thing to do.

And sometimes that person doesn't mean to cause hurt and is just crap at those kind of social skills, and I have sympathy for that. We're all human after all, and people can get very anxious about stuff like this, and then just make a mess of it in the worst way possible in some kind of car crash slo-mo 'noooooooooo' kind of moment, and feel terrible after. That's just shite for all involved and maybe you should assume this is what happened rather than anything more unpleasant than that.

But others do it because of a kind of cowardice & laziness, ugh!! No sympathy or time for that at all!

It makes me cross because it's all such a needless way to behave, to upset someone because you didn't value that person enough to deal with it properly, or rather, that that person values easing their own uncomfortableness above the other persons hurt feelings.

It's a bug bear of mine, in case you hadn't realised

Try not to take it personally, which I know is so hard to do when she seems to have been pretty damn personal.

If she really has made up a ridiculously transparent lie to avoid dealing with you honestly, and now doesn't care that she's causing you upset as you discover her lie, then she's not a great person to be friends with anyway. And if she's behaves in such an inept way you could also try and feel sorry for her that she doesn't have the skills to handle situations where she needs to give news in a sensitive but clear way. Sort of a fellow feeling type of sympathy?

And if she wasn't lying at all, as other less cynical and suspicious posters have said, then I'll happily eat my hat! 🎩

Snap8TheCat · 09/03/2017 13:40

could tell you I'm happy to pick your child up from school then text you two minutes before pickup to say actually I can't be arsed.

But this isn't what happened? Why exaggerate beyond necessity?

op did you sign a contract? Did your children actually start with her or was it just a verbal agreement that could have been misunderstood?

OpalFruitsMarathonsandSpira · 09/03/2017 13:42

OP is also free to warn other potential customers of the CM that she might dump their children whenever she happens to get a better offer.

Am I missing something? Did OP pay a retainer fee. As I understood it the children hadn't started yet. If OP had paid a retainer to hold the place open then that is a very different situation.

IamFriedSpam · 09/03/2017 13:44

I didn't say that was what happened my point was that because someone is free to do something (i.e. go back on an agreement) doesn't mean it's a nice thing to do and OP is totally justified in being annoyed. If the childminder had just said "no sorry I'm looking for younger/older/full time kids" or "I might take your kids as long as I don't have an offer for a full-time kid" OP would have had more time to look elsewhere.

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