AIBU to fall out with DM

[midnightswirls]

Just wondered what an outside view would be? Bit long so bear with me. So my background is I'm staying in a women's refuge atm. I love my mum and we are normally close. She knows I'm finding it hard though and get very lonely. So I did go around a lot with my LB. She told me though that I should only come round once a week as she likes structure to her life. I was quite hurt by this. Anyway a couple of days ago I was round as I pick my LB up from there when his dad drops him off. She asked if I could look after their 16 yr old dog in April who is quite a handful. I said no as I'll be moving out of the refuge beginning of April and got a lot to do. My sister has no kids but she didn't ask her as she said no last time. Last time I looked after their dog my LB was 2 weeks old! I had a traumatic birth too. They booked this holiday when I was pregnant so they knew I was going to have a newborn. This time I've stuck my foot down but she's called me selfish, I never do her favours. I then said ok I'll do the daytime if my sister can do the night. She said no don't bother. AIBU to say no and be upset? Sorry for rambling!

Of course YANBU.

Without wishing to open a can of worms here, is there a reason you're living in a refuge and not with your mum? My home is my daughter's home, for as long as she needs it.

I was just going to ask the same thing. She wants you to look after her dog but allows you and your little boy to live in a refuge?

It is both fine and necessary for you to put boundaries in place and to consider yourself /your child's needs before those of others.

Notice how your mum has no trouble doing this.

Now notice how she gets cross if you don't fall into line.

Are you generally a people pleaser?
Do you feel bad for saying no to people?
Did your previous partner take advantage of this?

PS you don't have to answer the above but please think about them.

She said that she didn't want us back otherwise we would never be independent and would find it hard to leave hers. Although when my sister finishes with her bf she tells her to pack her bags and come home. Don't get me wrong she does do things for me like she brought me a blender without my asking and things like that. But when it comes to support I find she can be quite selfish. I didn't see her for about 4 days and when I go round it's to see my son not because she wants to see me too

A blender is a hardly a fair substitute for support!! Yanbu op

Tell her that you like structure to your life and that spending time with a dog would disrupt that. You also wouldn't want her to have to rely on you and risk losing her independence.

Barb yes I do tend to please people and very rarely say no. Especially to my mum. Normally if I say no we have an argument and I'm told I'm being unreasonable. So I normally say yes to save the hassle. Yes I think my ex knew this too and took advantage. I'm finally putting my foot down but now I feel even more isolated because I don't have my mum there.

midnightswirls:

Please, please put yourself and your baby first. Your mum is doing the same for herself. You can't change that, but don't do her any favours. I wouldn't be going round there at all, myself.

good boundaries are really important though - I'm a people pleaser and I've learned that if I say yes to things I don't want to do, it usually ends badly (as there are good reasons for saying no). Your mum doesn't sound very nice, work on building your network of other friends up.

Sorry your mum has treated you so badly. Definitely do NOT look after the dog: withdraw the offer of daytimes! Your housing and other things are, rightly, your priority.

If the refuge or local services offer you support, please take it.

Best to assume, sadly, that you cannot rely on your DM.

Perhaps take a look at the "stately homes" threads on here too: your DM's behaviour seems really dysfunctional.

Have you done the Freedom Programme? I really think you need to stop being a people pleaser and start standing up for yourself more. Your mum sounds incredibly selfish btw

yes, railing against your daughter who is in a refuse and and a single parent for not being able to take care of your dog whilst you swan off on holiday makes her a special sort of arsehole, if you want my honest opinion.

loopy thanks I'll have a look. Some people have mentioned my mum sounds emotionally abusive but I'm just used to it so I can't see it. She does sulk if she doesn't get her way and she's like this to my dad too.

YANBU.

Your situation is obviously currently less than ideal. She can afford a holiday, so she can also afford to make arrangements for her dog and not expect you to look after it, right?

YAdefinitelyNBU. That sounds super mean.

It sounds like she treats you very badly. I'm so sorry!! :(

Btw, excessive amounts of sulking is a form of emotional abuse (well, in an adult. Not a sulky child, of course...)

My MIL does this. She sulked throughout our whole wedding and is currently doing it again (we're on a "family vacation")

Take care

ohfour I've started something called the power to change. I've only done 1 week so far. Being in here has toughened me up a bit I think. claryl thanks I always did think her behaviour for an adult weren't right. She can be quite intimidating too and has said to me because I don't stand up for myself I make myself an easy target. So she obviously takes advantage of that I guess

YANBU Midnight. No way would I have a child of mine living in a refuge whilst I had space.

And of course you can't have the dog. Hopefully you and your little boy will be settling into your new home. If not, you will still be in the refuge so unable to have the dog anyway.

She clearly still has a relationship with your dsis despite her refusal to have the dog, which suggests your mum will get over it.

Stick to your guns op.

Easy target for abuse? Wow! I can't believe she said that. Yes, it's hard to stand up for yourself when every-time you try your mum tries to slap you down again/convince you you're wrong.

yes, if you start saying no, point out that you're merely being less of an easy target.

Astonishes me that people put other people down for being a soft touch whilst taking advantage of them being a soft touch.
You learned to be a soft touch in order to cope with her behaviour.

midnight Well done for saying no to your Mum. The first time will be the hardest.
Your priority is you and your little boy and it sounds as if you are doing great. Good luck with the move out of the refuge

She can be quite intimidating too and has said to me because I don't stand up for myself I make myself an easy target. So she obviously takes advantage of that I guess

That sounds like a bully blaming their victim.

Good on you for standing up to her. THat's great!!

And of course you are "an easy target". She is your mother and if she has always behaved like this...? I mean, what child would want to upset their mother...?

Exactly paddy I tried telling her I'll be moving and settling. It's also my birthday in April and I said I wanted to do something as I hadn't the past 2 years down to my ex. Yes sleep she's said a few things that has shocked me. But yea she said that and said my sister stands up for herself and I don't so I make it easy on myself. Thanks captain. claryl she fully admits she was a bully at school and clearly she still is. I feel bad saying all this as she's my mum but I just wish she would be more supportive emotionally for me. She really didn't get the abuse and said am I sure I'm not over aggregating. Bit stuck on what to do. But thanks for your replies I'm glad INBU.

Be more like your sister then, you've told her you won't do it, case closed. Firm boundary set. Some people won't get abuse - that doesn't mean it didn't happen and wasn't valid, you'll always find someone with a strange point of view. I wouldn't listen to what my mum has to say on certain things - she called Nigella Lawson a prick-tease when Saatchi put her hands round her throat in that restaurant for example and thinks gay people should keep quiet about it...I tell her I don't agree with her and she quickly changes the topic of conversation. I don't think you have to do anything else, give yourself a pat on the back for standing up to another bully in your life and resume planning your future.

Thanks sleep. Just a shame my own mum doesn't understand it but what can I do. Spoke with my sister earlier and she agreed with me too and even said I don't know why asked you instead of me.