To be totally fucking fed up with work?

[shetisham]

Background: I work in my dh's family business (nominally mine too except I am not on the board or a director). When I started about 10 years ago I had lots of dreams and ideas, was very creative and came up with some really good ideas. But I am now sick of it. I'm tired, demotivated and not able to be as creative as I once was. The business as a whole isnt making much money so I am expected to do all the marketing, human resources, design, social media, photography myself. And I can't cope. I don't have an assistant, I have my own lonely office. I spend too much time planning the nice bits of my life (kids, cooking, pets) and not enough on the actual business itself.

I have tried to talk to dh but he just shuts down. I told him I was struggling and bored and he hasn't spoken to me properly since!

I get paid a really good salary but its basically a tax dodge for dh so he doesnt get hit with higher rate tax. I resent it massively.

I am desperate to leave and work somewhere else (although I am not sure who would want me, I'm old and tired) but because of the salary issue I would never get anywhere near what I get now and we have loans and a morgage which means I need to earn this money.

I am really good at cheering myself up and trying to nurse myself through feeling so miserable, but I feel as though I am a massive fucking disappointment to dh and probably no role model to my kids either. All I seem to be good at at the moment is eating so I am currently almost 2 stone overweight to add to my woes.

I have a day off tomorrow and thats almost as bad - we have no cleaner etc at home so I will spend the day cleaning and cooking.

I promised myself I'd read more this year but everytime dh sees me with a book unless its after 9pm he just gets tight lipped and does passive aggressive tidying. He just cannot understand that I need a tiny bit of time for myself as he doesn't - he has no hobbies really and is a bit of a martyr. He always turns the conversation back on himself so if I say I am feeling stressed and awful he says well what about me. ARGH.

That sounds awful. I don't have any real long term advice for you but in the short term, block bits of the day out of your calendar for the fun stuff. Therefore, you will have something to look forward to while you are working.

He gets cross about you reading?

What do you get out of this relationship?

thanks crucru

I think thats probably very good advice

We both work bloody hard except he likes the house to be super tidy. I couldn't give a monkeys. I leave him to do it, i'd prefer to be with the kids doing stuff with them.

It is important to remember OP- it is YOUR life. Not your DHs.

I can understand not wanting to let him down- but if you really are that miserable then start looking down other avenues. Even go and re train in an evening to do something else.

Spend some of your time off tomorrow looking at different jobs and what you fancy doing and how you need to get there. Could you maybe go part time as a compromise?

Re the cleaner- could you afford to pay for it out of your own wages? My DP doesnt understand that I dont like to spend my day off cleaning- and granted he does pull his weight but I still pay someone to come for a couple of hours a week to clean and do a bit of ironing. He is starting to come around to the realisation that it does make life that little bit easier.

Woud you consider renting an office nearby? At least to create a bit of separation between home/work and it would give you some company too.

Sounds miserable though, I'd be more annoyed at my husbands lack of understanding and support than the job itself.

What do you think made you excited for your job before? Could you respark your interest?

I appreciate you're in a tricky situation with salary etc so I think if you have to make the best of it, work out how you can do that by thinking back to what made you happy in the first place.

Is there any exciting training or CPD you could do? There are lots of free courses around at the moment that you could look at (for example- photography) and this may make you excited for work again?

Another thing I do when I find work tiresome is rearrange my working area. Can you move your office around? Hang up some photos/paintings? Change your stationery?

You absolutely must try and find a way to enjoy work again- life is too short!

I told him I was struggling and bored and he hasn't spoken to me properly since!

This^ is your problem!! He is responding neither like a decent employer or a decent husband/partner. An employer, when faced with this issue would be looking at the role and seeing what can be done to support you. A husband should be offering emotional support. None of this happening.

So he's continuing to run a business that isn't really viable and wants you to spend every minute until 9 pm either working for him or cleaning the house? Is he kidding?

You must have gathered a lot of skills over the years. Why do you think you wouldn't get other work?

If he's paying a decent salary, couldn't he pay that to someone else who might breathe new life into the business, while you go off and do something different?

Why do you think the business isn't doing well? Is it because he's not got up to date skills, or are you producing a product that nobody wants now?

yes he's crap at motivating and managing people. I am sick of feeling like an employee at home as well!

SCARY DINOSAURS yes you are right. I wish I had an assistant to bounce ideas off. I'm quite lonely I think.

IMPERIAL its doing OK. In fact my bit is doing well. But we work for lots of govt organisations which have made huge cuts and cutbacks so we've lost business through no fault of our own really.

If the business isn't making much money how can it afford to pay you a really good salary?

Sorry missed the last couple of posts!

You sound extremely bored with work. If you can't afford to leave I suggest making some changes to respark your enthusiasm.

Can you do some further training to expand a side of the business that you are good at? Sounds as if a creative role is more you than the marketing etc. Are you meeting people and networking? I think that's massively important if you are working alone a lot.

Your dh doesn't get to micro manage your life just because you work together. Get a cleaner fgs and use your day off doing something more enjoyable. See friends and contacts. And if you really decide you want to make changes with where you work you will need to make a longer term plan so dh can juggle his finances and stop avoiding tax in this way. I do think that he should get the time to plan this since you have been complicit in this until now.

Its a decent salary - not enormous. We are based in the north of england and not near a major city, so there aren't many jobs like mine around.

When I am firing on all cylinders I really do earn my salary, in fact I do about 10 peoples jobs! I think thats probably part of the problem, I took on too much to start with.

It sounds like you've got 2 separate issues: first, the job and second (and probably most important) your DH's attitude to you in general.

In relation to your job, you sound lonely and unsupported. In terms of what you've said about the job, it sounds as if it could be great - lots of variety, opportunity to be creative and so on. But it sounds very much as if the lack of support and quantity of what you have to do has completely subsumed any of the potentially enjoyable bits for you. Can you afford to get an assistant? And have you sat down and really scoped out what has to be done, and what you might be trying to do for little benefit?

The second issue of your DH's attitude towards you is, in my view, the most important to get sorted. It's not good enough just to dismiss your concerns and unhappiness by refusing to talk to you and huffing and puffing about you reading a book. You are, however, ascribing certain feelings to him - that of being a massive disappointment - without actually knowing if that's how he feels. I very much doubt that he does. You need to sit down and have a proper chat without one of you doing the tidying and ideally away from the home or workplace.

I think millions of people are in your situation OP - there are many people who do jobs that they don't love whilst spending their weekends and days off catching up on household tasks - Isn't that normal adult life?

Spending weekends and evenings cleaning etc instead of doing stuff you actually want to do

Oh no it isn't, as most other people don't earn a great salary for organizing their social life...

I think you live a fairly nice life to be honest. I don't mean this to sound a dig, I just want you to realize how lucky you are instead of wasting time on bitterness

and as for your husband, you need to speak to him. ..Does he START cleaning passively aggressively because he has a problem with you reading OR is he doing the cleaning whilst you are chilling out and seeing it as a breakdown of teamwork? I don't know anyone who would be happy to do all the housework whilst their partner chilled out - two sides to every story here

Let him get tight-lipped and tidy - its him who wants it super tidy anyway.

I think you need to be a bit more deliberately oblivious to PA tactics, because that will force him to eventually say something which will get you the conversation you desperately need to have.

Could you hire an apprentice on the government scheme? This could reignite your enthusiasm!