DP accepted job with large pay cut without any discussion

[Exileinengland1999]

DP has been unhappy in current job for a while (and to be honest has never been happy in any job for 17 years of relationship) and had an interview this week for a new job which he has now accepted.
But with no discussion with me and it's a massive pay cut and we are already struggling.
I manage the household finances and have to keep a rein on things as he is irresponsible with money and spends with no clue as to consequences/ bills to be paid etc.
This new job will put us in an even trickier position and yet he has given zero thought to the impact it will have on the family.
I feel under massive pressure to just accept the decision (I work 4 days a week but also do all the childcare/ housework etc) because he says that the other job is making him very stressed and yet he has given no thought to the stress an income cut will put on our family.
Aibu to be pissed off at the lack of thought/ discussion about this? He is making me feel as though Iabu for not just accepting it but I feel as though I have to pick up the pieces all the time

I'm not necessarily unsympathetic, depending on circumstances (although I'll be honest, I probably wouldn't be partnered with someone like that). I am going to hazard a guess that if he has a patchy employment history and they are already financially struggling, it might be the sort of work where people tend to be treated less well. It's not necessarily a moral failing to be unable to deal with that. Although if he's actually a well paid contractor and just doesn't like having to do things he doesn't like, not so much.

However, if he genuinely can't deal with work to the extent that he finds every job intolerable and has to constantly change, the onus is on him to make adjustments in the rest of his life to accommodate that. Like, you know, not frittering away all his money and doing fuck all in the house.

To those who say the OP DP is a dreamer and need to man up. Well isn't it incredibly sexist to say it? Would you say the same to a woman who gave up a job she doesn't like and go PT? She always can explain she wants a better work life balance, to be there with the kids etc etc. It is incredibly unfair.

The problem with that argument is that he's not there with the kids. OP does all the childcare already, and there's nothing been said about him reducing his hours in any case. Less money doesn't necessarily mean less hours being worked!

There's simply nothing in OPs posts to make your example remotely comparable.

The lack of discussion or making a plan would irritate me. Dh used to job flit but when he was made redundant it gave him a kick up the butt and realised he kept putting us in financial strain. So he talked about moving jobs again - we sat down with all the bills we pay and outgoings (I'm sad I have a ledger). Looked where we could cut ect. He decided he couldn't afford to move jobs when he saw the figures so he went and talked to his boss about how he could make his job better.

Would you say the same to a woman who gave up a job she doesn't like and go PT?

Yes actually - I do tihnk "FFS" when women say they want to go PT and they have to prioritise their DHs job because that is sooooo much more important.

However, in those cases the woman usually goes PT to do more of the domestic stuff. In this case the DH does sweet fuck all about the house or with the kids.

YANBU. Whatever the decision, it should be discussed between the two of you BEFORE it happens. I would be fuming and very stressed.

Now that he has done it, you will have to sit down with him and work out how to make the new finances work. Only you know the outgoings and how these can be reduced. If he is bad at spending money, see if he will agree to just having a limited amount in his account every month with a limited overdraft. I am not great with money and was using my overdraft far too much. I changed to an account with a smaller overdraft and it has made me much more mindful about spending.

I do think it's thoughtless to make a big decision without discussing it with a partner so I would want to talk through this properly to make sure I understand why he did it and that he won't do it again.

YANBU, he sounds selfish. So what he's not enjoying work or finding it hard, a lot of people do but want to support and give their family what they need. Slightly different if the pay cut is the difference between multiple holidays and one a year but it sounds like you are struggling and this adds to the pressure. He should have discussed it and you shouldn't have to take the pressure. Hard to make someone like him see that though sadly.

My husband hates his job and has never liked any job he has done. I want him to find something that he would be happy with (would be prepared to downsize, etc. to facilitate this), but he just doesn't know what to do instead. Has your husband always wanted to do the job that he has now accepted? Otherwise I would be worried that he will end up hating this one too, he'll still be miserable and you will be struggling with money. My husband has depression - could it be that your husband does too?

It's not the taking a lower paid job as such, it's the whole package of taking a lower paid job and expecting you to pick up the slack in terms of balancing the budget and dealing with the children.

I have been working in a badly paid job/part time for many years beause it is my dream job, but the deal was that I would compensate in other ways: by being available when dc were ill, for instance, and by spending more time on cooking to save money. Dh will retire before me and then he will be doing things like housework to make up for his loss of earnings.

If a woman did the same, without discussing it with their partner and leaving them to sort out how they will now manage, I would also not say 'you go girl!'

Is it possible for you to become the major breadwinner ? I think the days are gone where it's the man in a relationship is by default the one with the bigger take home salary. I don't know the ages of your children so don't know if this is practical but once they are at school it's usually possible to find wrap around child care of some description so you can work 5 days 9-5 or whatever.

'Is it possible for you to become the major breadwinner ? I think the days are gone where it's the man in a relationship is by default the one with the bigger take home salary. I don't know the ages of your children so don't know if this is practical but once they are at school it's usually possible to find wrap around child care of some description so you can work 5 days 9-5 or whatever.'

Do you think her partner is going to magically step up and start doing his fair share of the childcare and housework and stop being irresponsible with money if she does that?

I highly doubt it.

How big a pay cut is it though? Would it actually mean you qualify for more benefits of any type that may close the gap?

@addicted - Tbf the small amount of money he's allowed thing just sounds like a reverse of the many posts from women who say their husbands do this and MNs often say it could be financial abuse ...

Neither of you are maximising your income, and both of you have chosen to prioritise other things rather than money. I'm not saying that's right or wrong, but you have both made the decision to not work as hard as you can. I don't see why its so awful for a man to take a pay cut when its OK for his wife to work only 4 days. He's still working full-time, so he's still doing his share. Why don't you go back full-time to make up the short-fall? Of course, he would then have to share the chores, and you'd be more equal partners.

I can see both sides of this but you say this wasn't discussed, you knew he was unhappy, he may have tried to discuss this with you but you didn't really hear. You have to talk properly and listen properly to get this sorted out. Good luck.

How do you know OP isn't maximising her inome harshbuttrue? Her not being full time doesn't mean that. Sometimes a person is maximising their income by only working the hours they can get covered by school, free hours, voucher entitlement etc. OP hasn't given us enough information to ascertain whether that's the case or not.

Additionally, how does FT work plus fuck all equal 4 days a week plus everything else? Because it would have to, for him to still be doing his share.

Also, why presume that 4 days a week isn't F/T? In this case it may not be but a lot of people work condensed hours. This type of 'only part time' attitude drives me nuts.

Very true, and I actually used to do 5 days over 4 so I have no excuse whatsoever for presuming OP was part time!

Itisnoteasybeingdifferent 'if you leave him its likely to hang long lasting damaging effects'

I'm sorry - but being the person that carries all the strain, keeps it together and deals with the worry while still working, and probably not in your dream role either is pretty damaging too!

OP YANBU. I doubt he was breaking rocks in the sun or toiling in a salt mine, work is unfortunately not always fun.... you both have a responsibility to your DC's to keep it together, it sounds like he needs reminding of that.

it may also be that like me he is mentally unstable. If so and you walk out on him it is likely to have long lasting damaging effects.

So OP should suck it up and continue propping up his whims and bad decisions? And she should leave him to fuck the whole family over as he sees fit because she might cause him lasting damage by leaving?

I'm married to a man with mental health issues who point blank refuses to seek help for them and let me tell you, it's fucking exhausting. Every time we have the same fight again and again or he is in a depressed slump that he refuses to acknowledge, I am one step closer to walking and that would not be my fault. I've BEGGED him to get help and he selfishly refuses.

Sometimes people have to preserve their own mental health by leaving.