To raise this at parents evening, and if not, how?

[PugwallsSummer]

DD1 is in reception. She is the youngest in her class and fairly anxious. She enjoys school and by all accounts she is coping well and making progress. She has lots of little friends that she went to playgroup with in her class.

Recently though she has been coming home and reporting that one of the girls in her class is behaving badly towards her. For example, pushing DD over in the playground when she doesn't want to play, and excluding DD from playground games that involve DD's other friends; leaving her with no one to play with.

Last week my daughter came home and told me that the other girl had "fighted" her, she demonstrated nudging each other with elbows. She said the TA had seen and told the girl to stop it. I didn't think too much more of it.

Today, DD told me that this little girl had pulled her hair at home time and blamed it on another child.

I know that this child is quite dominant and have observed her "manhandling" DD at parties, albeit not in an intentionally nasty way. She took an instant shine to DD when starting school and her mother told me that she talks about DD a lot at home. The problem is that DD finds the girl's dominant nature difficult and doesn't enjoy being "babied". She has started tentatively trying to be more assertive (I have discussed this with her and modeled what to say when she doesn't want to play).

Until now, I have been of the view that managing these situations is all part of growing up and DD needs to learn to deal with it. However, my advice to DD seems to have backfired on her, as the girl now seems to be treating her quite badly.

I asked DD today if she had told a grown up about what happened at home time, but she told me that they are "not allowed to tell tales at school". I asked her if she would like me to speak to her teacher but she became quite anxious about "telling tales".

So I feel that I need to raise my concerns about the relationship between DD and the other little girl, but also about DD not feeling that she can tell an adult.

My head is telling me that kids will be kids and this is likely to just blow over in a few weeks. I also understand through experience that teachers of primary aged children do get plagued with non-issues and the temptation to use the "don't tell tales" line. But on the other hand, the thought of my 4 year old child possibly being targeted, but feeling unable to seek help just breaks my heart!

AIBU to seek a meeting with the class teacher? And if I do, how do I broach it?

(So as not to drip feed, the teacher is fantastic, but can be a little "bristly" when she perceives she is being challenged).

deff go in to talk to them.whether they know it or not or are old enough to process it this behaviour is a form of bullying.look at if it was in older children,this is targeting beahvour.so yes whilst the other might(I think does)might not know shes doing it the actions of her towards another are wrong,and becoming a one person bully target thing to me.

to me your opening thread was perfectly worded.and id go with this,it was calm imformative.your weren't blaming and trying to see both sides but need to step in.your love your daughter,who wouldn't!
t least to say where the shcoll thinks is happening.whats there approach or thoughts on it.

because so what if it is nothing.its is completely EVEYTHING!because your daughter feels it is.so you need to make her feel better whether to other she is being silly or sensitive.or whether shes right and is being pushed to far.she feels it the way she does so needs help.she is voicing it to you that means she needs it out of herself and help.

You need to talk to the teacher. This isn't 'telling tales.' That is something else entirely. This is reporting that your child is feeling intimidated, picked on and yes, bullied, by another child constantly. This needs to be nipped now.

Please advocate for your 4 year old.

I've used the phrase "don't tell tales" many times, but only after I've explained what telling tales actually is. I make it perfectly clear to the children that if they are hurt or upset they must tell an adult. This teacher may not have done this, do your DD is unsure what actually constitutes telling tales. I would definitely ask to speak to the teacher (since that appears to be how she communicates with parents). I have more of an open door policy, but do explain st the start of the year that if it's an important issue that speaking in front of other parents at the end of the day is not the best (most discrete) way of doing things and it might be better to make an appointment.
I think you need to be clear with the teacher that you feel that your child is being bullied, but I'd concerned about telling someone in case she is seen as a telltale. You need to get both issues out in the open. You will probably find that the teacher is surprised that what she has said has been taken this way. I'm sure any good teacher (and decent person) would be.
Please speak to her soon and let us know how it goes.

Do challenge the teacher. Just be factual and ask for advice. Tell them about the incidents. Tell them your child is upset because of them. Wait for their response.

Also tell them about her concern about 'telling tails' as wait to see what they say in response to that.

Go home and digest what they've said/ their responses are and see if you are happy with them and also if DD's situation gets better.

I would add that often when they are this young being by themselves for 2 minutes can become - I had no one to play with... as they have no concept of time. Their friends change every 5 mins. The other children in the class may feel bad sometimes too. Having said that. It is still the right thing to do is raise it.

Meant to say don't challenge the teacher! Not Do!

Thanks all. I will update once I have met with the teacher.

Christ. You need to ask?

are u sure it was the teacher that is saying dont tell tales and not the othe r kids?

you know like dont grass on each other

stry Yes. Otherwise I wouldn't have.

It's something me and my husband have been discussing this past week, and neither of us sure whether it is a friendship issue that will blow over or something more concerning. There are days when my DD happily reports playing with this girl - and they are only 4 and 5. I posted to get an independent view of the situation.

My biggest concern isn't the behavior of the other little girl, it is my daughter's fear of telling an adult. I hoped for advice on how to broach this without the teacher feeling that she is being challenged. I got many helpful responses, for which I am grateful.

My DC's school uses STOP - several times on purpose. This allows for the odd accidental pushing etc. They have to go and speak to an adult if they are unhappy about the way another student is treating them. Might be worth checking on the school website is about how they ask children to report bullying etc and you can then reassure your daughter that it isn't telling tales. Unless of course you manage to get an immediate meeting with the teacher. I must admit our (small village primary) school is FANTASTIC at dealing with bullying. Good luck.

gabs according to DD, it is the teacher that says it's not allowed. She even got distressed when I suggested that I could talk to the teacher about it.

The teacher is excellent, my daughter is doing great under her care, but she is strict and possibly a bit "old school" and my daughter is an anxious child - not the best combination! DD does like her teacher but I think it's gone a little beyond "healthy fear". She worries about her homework, the contents of her lunchbox and many other inconsequential things. She often suggests that I text the teacher to check if X/Y/Z is allowed.

I imagine that the teacher has told DD off - or another child off - for genuinely telling tales, but DD has taken it to heart and now thinks she is never allowed to tell.

I am in a very similar situation with my son - also in reception.

He is a very gentle mannered boy. He doesn't like people getting in his face, but he has one "friend" who does. He's also very rough.

Example - we get the bus home every day. If we get to the bus stop first then his friend will get up in his face, shouting that he isn't allowed to win, or that he's the loser. My boy will try shout back, but he just isn't that way inclined so gets grumpy.

I was told earlier today that a few people have put complaints in about this boy. So I'm actually going to speak to the teacher at parents evening. Just to make sure my boy is getting on okay and this isn't bothering him at playtime or with learning.

So yes, I would suggest mentioning it!

definately mention it at school. My daughter's primary school state the have strong policies regarding bullying yet when an incident happens and she wants to report it to someone (usually a dinner lady forced to stand outside in the rain whilst the teachers take a tea break) she simply gets told "Oh I'm sure that didn't happen". or "Oh are you sure she did that?". raise the issue and if the teacher fobs you off say you want them to speak to the child's parent, leaving you anonymous of course. then you want an update. Perhaps you could talk to other parents to see if this is an issue with solely your child or others as well in which case it is of course a much bigger issue and the child needs to be more closely monitored.

Yes, bring it up and ask the teacher to keep an eye.

I would also explain that you are concerned DD has take don't tell tales too literally and thinks she can't tell about anything and could they please reassure her that isn't what was meant. The trouble with reception is there are certain children who will find it necessary to tell you every little thing someone else is doing, even when you are already dealing with it/the child has a reason to be doing it/they aren't doing anything wrong, often when they are supposed to be doing something else or when you are dealing with something else. telling a child not to tell tales is bad wording but I have to admit I've used it without really thinking it through occasionally as well.

When my DDs when to a small village school (as mentioned upthread) this happened all the time. The school blamed my girls for not telling the teacher and when they did tell a teacher they were told not to tell tales. But anyway, even when they were knocked the ground in front of a teacher nothing was done - the kids doing it had parents on the PTA. The Head told me "I usually find that when parents have a problem if they move schools there is no longer a problem" so of course, I did. Hope you have better luck OP.