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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be unsure of schools?

51 replies

daysgoingby · 07/03/2017 17:04

Hello - hoping for honest advice here.

I had a pretty dire experience at school (primary and secondary) and learned very little, if anything really, until sixth form.

My impression of schools (NOT individuals within that school!) seems to be:

  • governed by petty and inflexible rules, like children having to do homework regardless of what's happening in their personal life, uniform rules, and so on.
  • focus on assessment rather than learning
  • bullying rife
  • children expected to put up with behaviour you just wouldn't take from an adult, screaming in faces and so on
  • SEN dealt with by punishing the child for it
  • children set as soon as they set foot in secondary schools

Now, as i've said - I haven't had very positive experiences myself so that colours this and I'm NOT talking about all or even most teachers, but what are schools really like now for the children who attend them?

OP posts:
Original poster
daysgoingby · 07/03/2017 18:14

It's difficult, isn't it wits? I obviously don't say that I have a negative attitude, but I am being honest here about my feelings, and really if I can't do that on an anonymous website without people saying unpleasant things about my parenting, where can I? Obviously not meant rudely but I would have thought Mumsnet is the right sort of place to share this fear.

OP posts:
SquidgeyMidgey · 07/03/2017 18:15

I would add though that students get out what they put in. If you aren't willing to make sure homework is done and behaviour isn't appropriate then the learning is going to be impacted. Parents have to be prepared to work with the school if they want their child to get the most out.

witsender · 07/03/2017 18:31

I agree with Trifle too. Schools have to operate a certain way to provide mass education in the context of the modern day. The majority of teachers enter a profession that pays poorly and is critiqued by everyone under increasing stress and workload because they like kids and want them to achieve...The system lets them down however.

Boiled7Up · 07/03/2017 18:33

TBH I think most schools bend over backwards for children who display additional support needs.

You're far more likely to plod along as a middle of the road type!

EssexGurl · 07/03/2017 18:39

It is all about looking for the right school for your child. The "outstanding" primary school my DS went to does sound like your example. I wish I had followed my gut and moved him as it was so damaging to him.

The merely "good" secondary he goes to is amazing, prides itself on it's pastoral care and DS is flourishing. He is a different child.

Each school is different. Each child is different. Look at schools according to the needs of your child NOT your own experiences.

Enidblyton1 · 07/03/2017 22:13

I know it must be really hard to put aside your own experiences of school, but you may be pleasantly surprised if you go and visit a couple of your local schools.

As you say, it's very possible for different children to have vastly different experiences at the same school.

Good luck - try to go in with an open mind

Areyoufree · 07/03/2017 22:28

I had a terrible time at school, so was terrified of sending my daughter. It broke my heart that I could potentially be putting her through what I went through. But her school is amazing. They listen to me, and teach each child depending on their needs. My daughter was struggling and anxious, but after I spoke with them, they made some adjustments, and she is more relaxed and thriving. No idea how they do it with so many in the class, but they do.

Pippioddstocking · 07/03/2017 23:31

Trifle that is the most sensible, well worded reply I have ever seen in 10 years of mn.

PuffinDodger · 08/03/2017 08:55

governed by petty and inflexible rules, like children having to do homework regardless of what's happening in their personal life, uniform rules, and so on.

The teachers at dd's comp seem like nice, reasonable people so whilst yes they would get a detention for not doing hwk, as otherwise I doubt they'd ever do any, I'm sure they would make exceptions if there were family problems etc.
Uniform. It's very easy to follow the uniform rules. They probably don't want the kids to look like a day at Aintree. If a child couldn't afford something I'm sure the school would do all they could to help. The parent just needs to communicate before it becomes a problem.

focus on assessment rather than learning

Assessment is to check they are learning what they need.

bullying rife

Not nowadays. Teachers take this very seriously nowadays. Dd is a bit geeky and eccentric so i definitely worried about this but she's been happy and had no problems and hasn’t seen other kids be bullied.

children expected to put up with behaviour you just wouldn't take from an adult, screaming in faces and so on

Do you mean teachers do this? Definitely not.

SEN dealt with by punishing the child for it

Do you mean if the child has behavioural problems? I don't know about this.

  • children set as soon as they set foot in secondary schools

Dd was set for maths and English/French after one month and Science in year 8.

PuffinDodger · 08/03/2017 08:57

If you meant kids screaming in other kids' faces, she hasn't seen this either.

PuffinDodger · 08/03/2017 09:03

PS. Sorry you had an awful experience of school op. I do know of adults who went to schools where bullying was awful and ignored by teachers etc in the past but I do think schools have changed now.

TheDisillusionedAnarchist · 08/03/2017 09:12

I came to the conclusion that schools are sub optimal environments for learning at 17 while skipping English to read educational theory in the library. A dose of John Holt and I was convinced I wouldn't send my children to school.

Many years on, I have softened slightly. My son is 3 months old and school will simply be an option for him. I believe many of the issues with schools can be ameliorated by making it non compulsory. The issues with bullying for example are exaggerated because there is no way to opt out. Children are told it is the law, they have to go. Illness is the only way out.

corythatwas · 08/03/2017 09:14

If you think about it, it is quite likely that you have a few petty rules in the home too, whether spoken rules or unspoken. Things that make your life easier, things that just make you that little bit tight-lipped if they are not adhered to.

And by the time your dc are teens it is very likely that they will experience your rules as even more petty than those at school.

But at the same time (assuming you have a happy and loving relationship), it won't actually matter all that much because their home will still be a good place to be. That is what a good school is like.

My teens have been happy at home. But for my ds at least, it has been a relief to find a place with adults who are not quite as odd as his mother - or at least if they are he doesn't have to feel embarrassed about them. Grin

If you asked him, he would tell you that all adults are a bit funny about rules. But he would be quite tolerant about it.

Setting has been a blessing to him (not overly academic) as it has meant he has been able to work at his own level, but has been encouraged to work his way up from one set to another. Went from bottom set to one of the top sets in English.

My dd is disabled + has some MH problems. She found her secondary very helpful and clued-up: without their support she could never have gone on to hold down a job. In fact, I rather suspect she'd be dead by now,if it hadn't been for their support.

namechangedtoday15 · 08/03/2017 09:16

I also strongly agree with Trifes.

I loved school, and have 3 children now at 3 different schools. They have all had a great experience and it is genuinely one of my main aims as a parent to foster in them a love of school and a love of learning.

I think if you have a negative experience of something, it is easy to project that onto a child subconsciously. With something like this, I think you need to visit various schools, talk about schools with mums/parents you meet at play groups who have older children there, neighbours etc to get a feel of how schools are now, so you can try to be positive and see your child's progression to school as something positive too.

Original poster
daysgoingby · 08/03/2017 16:07

I'm not sure that we do, really cory but thank you. I'm glad to hear things have gone well for your DD.

OP posts:
Original poster
daysgoingby · 08/03/2017 16:08

I think for me a huge problem is that school didn't equate to learning. I don't know if I can honestly say that I learned anything.

OP posts:
TheSconeOfStone · 08/03/2017 16:30

I hated school, all 8 of them (army brat) and was dreading my kids going.

My oldest DD has had a challenging time since day 1. Diagnosed with autism in year 3. I pulled her out of the first school not long after diagnosis because they refused to make adjustments even with ed psych agreeing with me, DD was punished daily. Her new school is much better but she still feels punished (not allowed to participate in some activities) because they haven't got adequate support in place. Mainstream is bloody hard to navigate when you have a child with SEN.

DD has been very happy in both schools, she's in year 2 and not exceptional at anything but friendly and happy.

School is just really hard if you don't conform.

namechangedtoday15 · 08/03/2017 16:37

But day isn't that the exception rather than the norm - when you think of all the trivia you know, basic English, the ability to spell, being able to articulate yourself (very well), you don't think any of that was learnt at school?

Even the intangible stuff - independence, ability to make friendships, socialise with other people, even being around boys (if you didn't have brothers)??

AssassinatedBeauty · 08/03/2017 16:39

I would home educate in your position and then the whole scenario can be avoided and you won't have to worry about it.

Original poster
daysgoingby · 08/03/2017 16:47

Assassinated - I worry that school is a shared experience, and by denying my children this, I am denying them a chance to bond with others in the future.

Namechanged - i don't think I did. I read widely as a child and so learned through reading.

OP posts:
AssassinatedBeauty · 08/03/2017 16:51

Possibly, the large majority of children go to a school of some kind or other. But there are organisations where home educated children can get together and socialise. There are activities like brownies/guides and so on too.

AGnu · 08/03/2017 17:15

We HE for all the reasons you listed, & more. It's the right choice for us so far. I'm an introvert so some amount of isolation suits me fine but I'm actually struggling most with the amount of time I'm spending around other people! I don't find socialising easy, neither does DS1, but I want my DC to have opportunities to be around other people & learn how to interact appropriately - it's getting to the point where I'm having to say no to things for our sanity as a family because we're so busy! We try to limit the number of outings to one morning or afternoon per day, with the occasional day at home. At the moment the only day I can usually set aside as a regular home-day is Wednesday, every other day we have 1-2 groups to go to. I've had to drop one session on a Wednesday to accommodate this, otherwise DS starts to struggle & act out more. It's a balancing act getting it right for our family but I definitely wouldn't call HE isolating, depending on where you live & if you're inclined to meet up with others!

As far as schools go, I felt more isolated there than I do now. Being forced to spend everyday with people who stop talking to you for absolutely no reason, or outright tell you they don't like you, is pretty demoralising. It's taken me a decade since leaving school to acknowledge that actually some people do like me & to allow them to be friends with me without assuming it was some cruel joke. A few years after I left school I bumped into someone who'd been at all the same schools since we were 3. She went on about how wonderful school was & was genuinely shocked that I didn't miss it. She just couldn't fathom that not everyone at school had the same experience!

SallyGinnamon · 08/03/2017 18:04

Your description isn't like my own experiences of 4 primaries and one secondary although c40 years ago.

Yes some had uniforms, but I like that. And all had rules as there'd be chaos without. They are a fact of life. And yes, homework in secondary but I'm sure if there's bother at home (or if DC are on a trip) they are excused.

Same for my DC. They loved primary and still love secondary including uniforms and all that goes with it.

My only negative experience was when I did part of a PGCE. One placement was in a school that prided itself on being inclusive. However things weren't always managed well. One Y2 boy with SEN would run riot with a TA in hot pursuit and end up disrupting three classes as her charged through them. In other ways the school was lovely.

Original poster
daysgoingby · 08/03/2017 18:18

again i guess schools don't always suit children with sen.

OP posts:
SallyGinnamon · 08/03/2017 18:59

Sorry. That wasn't well put. The school tried its best in many ways but really didn't know what to do with this little boy - he was a Houdini. They were nice to him but ineffective so it impacted on everyone else.