AIBU to not apologise?

[Yoshimihere]

I think a brief summary of my relationship with my mother would be that we don't have a great history, unless I'm toeing the line. It has been very unpleasant at times.

We disagreed about something in a phonecall a couple of weeks ago. I kept trying to change the topic, agree to disagree etc but she was insistent and wouldn't. The phonecall was followed by a few texts about how rude I am. I try to avoid difficult conversations by text but I couldn't face calling her as I felt it would be a row so I have basically ignored the messages.

I've tried texting some unrelated pleasant things but she's not having it.

So what would others do? Do you just apologise because it's your mother?

Normally I would say whatever to please her but I've been really hurt by things she has said in the last year. I don't feel like keeping up the apologising/grovelling. But I wonder if I am going too far the other way now.

What is the adult mature reasonable approach in this standoff?

I've never understood why people put up with crap treatment from family. Family should treat you better than others IMO.

Family should treat you better than others IMO

I would love to meet that family!

if It was a friend then yes I'd be childish like yous all state and wait for her to get in touch with me

Being assertive with anyone is never childish. The OP is being verbally attacked. It doesn't matter who is doing the attacking. Waiting until the situation has calmed down is a useful tool, as it stating your reasonable intentions and waiting for a reasonable response.

if it was a parent I say life's to short so why drag the fight on

Just because it is a parent doesn't mean that anyone should appease a bully and go against what their conscience is telling them.

and moan about it to everyone with ear shot for days only to then get back on touch few days or weeks down the line

This is pure conjecture. I realise the OP has already commented on this, but there is no evidence that the OP is moaning or will moan to anyone. She is considering how she should handle a difficult situation and seeking advice on an anonymous Internet forum.

Gottagetmoving My family genuinely do. Any members who don't treat others nice aren't in our lives any more.

if It was a friend then yes I'd be childish like yous all state and wait for her to get in touch with me

Do you know i cant imagine this situation arising with a friend. I don't have any friends who send texts like my mum does. Or who would have had the disagreement in the first place.

It is odd how much we put up with from family.

I'm definitely getting much more assertive. It's just difficult not to doubt myself at times.

What a long journey scaryteacher!

ListSight your replies are really helpful thanks.

Gottagetmoving My family genuinely do. Any members who don't treat others nice aren't in our lives any more

Everyone should be nice to each other but if we cut off family members any time they were not nice,..most of us would be alone.
We can mostly resolve issues but obviously if things are extremely bad, then you would cut someone out of your life.

Normally I would say whatever to please her

No don't apologise. She's just smarted she's not getting the usual reaction from you. Ignore her. I dont mean ignore her altogether, just ignore any references to the discussion you disagreed on. Set your own boundaries.

My Mum can start an argument in an empty room and is hardly ever at fault even when she knows she's in the wrong. Tenacious stubborn little soul she is. You have my sympathies OP.

"What is the adult mature reasonable approach in this standoff?"
Well, I think the first thing you have to take on board is that your standoff is with an unreasonable person. So don't expect a reasonable approach to cut any ice with them.

Regardless, I think Looneytune253's approach would be the way I'd go -
"Maybe try responding to the messages in a clear concise (polite) way. Respond to yhe accusations some thing like: 'mum, i dont think i have been rude at all. I may have a different opinion to you and i have a right to voice that, but that does not make me rude, i will be happy to just agree to disagree as my opinion has not changed'. Make sure you address all the points she has accused you of and try and keep it light and polite."

And then leave the ball in her court. Unfortunately she sounds the type of person who would see any 'being the bigger person' as capitulation, and likely to lead to her ramping up the unreasonableness next time (and there would be a next time).

In the long term - I'd probably go for low contact. It is not a great relationship, and I can't say I'd miss it personally. Just because she's your mother does not mean you have to like her or love her. Some people are just plain unlikeable and unloveable.

My mum and I are really close but on occasion we have silly arguments/misunderstandings and she usually responds with childish behaviour, like silent treatment or with her coming off with ridiculous claims such as "You're not very nice to me"....

We always make up quickly and naturally, no grand gestures or negotiations necessary, usually just a hug and moving on.

If I was you I'd draw a line under it, life's too short although this may not apply if your relationship with your mum isn't a good one in general!