....to feel a bit sad for my dad? Not invited to wedding on my mum's side.

[DadAtWedding]

So my mum died a few years ago and this was the first family wedding (Mum's side) since then. Dad was not invited. I haven't asked why - all I know is that if Mum had been alive, he would have been invited.

My cousin is the bride; I am relatively close to her and other immediate relatives. My dad's absence from the wedding wasn't mentioned by anyone on the day itself, but he was discussed in general (he lives overseas but visits UK relatively frequently). I was a bit confused by this, as to me it seemed a bit rude to exclude him and I'd thought maybe my older, more etiquette-conscious relatives would have avoided him as a topic. But no, he was discussed freely

I thought he didn't really mind not being invited, but Dsis and I have both got the feeling over the past 2 days that he was actually a bit hurt. Many of the groom's invited relatives were ones he barely knew, so it wasn't a case of 'But she barely knows him'. Dad would prob have politely declined anyway, but he'd have been grateful for the nod of inclusion.

AIBU to feel a bit sad for him? We were all there except him

And those saying it's a snub - it never fails to amaze me how many people want to make someone else's wedding about them. If he hasn't played an active part in her life she would either have not even considered inviting him or have quickly decided against it. Why would you invite someone you don't know, when someone you are closer to can come instead?

"I can see both sides but the elder relatives should have done something"

There are loads of posts on MN from people feeling under pressure from parents to invite people they don't really know personally to weddings. Maybe the bride and groom just did what everyone here would advise and stood their ground.

OP. I can kind of see why this is upsetting you, as it reinforces how family life has changed. But from what you've said your father had no real relationship with this cousin so why would he be invited? Certainly not worth worrying about now.

Although,tbh if he's anything like me ,I'm always glad to swerve an invite to these things.if I can possibly get out of something,I will.i expect he may of been glad to not go

Dsis and I went because we could kind of see her side - she doesn't really know him, aside from the family connection. But when we were there, and there was a space where our mum should have been and a space where our dad could have been, we felt like we'd under-reacted and like he should have been there

I should explain that Dad is from a different (patriarchal, heirarchical) culture, and the idea that he might communicate with my female cousin on my mum's side 1:1 (or even my male one) would be frankly ridiculous to him. He barely interacted with me and my sister for the first 10 years of our lives tbh, on the basis that we were our mum's business. Thankfully he saw sense as we grew up but some vestiges of that attitude persist. So basically his idea of an appropriate uncle/niece relationship will vary significantly from the European one.

Dad does his duty, as he sees it, by visiting the relatives of his age/generation or older (i.e. my aunt and grandfather) regularly, whenever he's here. In fact he and my grandfather have a regular phone call once a week, as they are both widowers and have a lot in common now. I alternate between smiling and wanting to cry when I think of that. So Dad has made an effort to stay in touch.

This thread is interesting in terms of the diversity of opinion!

Anyway.its done with now.you can't change the past.you can't change the last 5 minutes..don't worry and move on x you did what you thought was best under the circumstances x

I have a very small family. Most of the older generation have died so I value the few relatives I have left. In fact both OH and I would always put family before friends for things like weddings and christenings.

So he was hardly involved with his own daughters for the first few years? Can you not see why he wouldn't be invited to the cousin's wedding? For every distant unknown relative invited, there is one fewer friend/close family member.

YANBU to feel sad for him, but personally I would never under any circumstances invite anyone who was not a close personal friend or immediate family member to my wedding. The idea of inviting all and sundry and having all your distant relatives even if you don't know them is very odd to me. I know it's traditional and it comes from the old culture of weddings being more about two families being joined (father of bride paying) than two individuals celebrating their love, so I get it. It's just not something I would do, or expect from anyone else of my culture/generation.

Even with my parents (married in the 1970s), they paid for their wedding themselves and only invited their close friends and loved ones.

That is rude in the extreme.

He is her uncle Tabasco, albeit by marriage. I wouldn't call that all and sundry.

Well, two of my uncles have died and I invited both of their wives to our wedding. However... I know them, and spent a lot of time with them and my cousins growing up. I didn't invite anyone to my wedding who I had barely spoken to over the course of my lifetime. It wouldn't occur to me to.

They've barely spoken at all over the course of her life in which case I would wonder why he was feeling excluded. I wouldn't expect to be invited to someone relative or not whom I'd hardly spoken to.
Would seem strange. In fact I think I'd feel a little awkward about being invited.

If you're going to drip feed that he sent her a present every year at Christmas and wrote long letters to her then maybe she should have, but otherwise, no.

In my dad's culture there is more of a tendency to invite everyone, no matter how infrequently you see them; in fact several cousins/uncles/aunts on my dad's side announced their intention of attending my wedding and it never occured to me that a veto was an option I was happy that they wanted to come tbh!

I understand what you're all saying but basically it seems like he qualified for inclusion when my mum was alive, but not now that she's dead. That seems rude to me (and Dsis). We won't say anything, but it coloured the occasion somewhat for us.

Thanks all for your opinions.

Since my mum died her family have basically forgotten about me and my dad too. My sister they stay in touch with, but because i have MH issues and they can't come in our house and i don't manage to get out much to go to them they couldn't even be arsed to text me. For over a year post mums death i made a massive effort to text often but would get short replies and they never text first. I gave up trying, they didn't seem to even notice. My dads texts to them go mostly ignored or not replied to for a week. Yet when my grans light bulb broke it was my dad they expected to go running straight away to go and change it for her (we live a few streets away, but her other 3 children all have cars and live close, one is retired). He was actually over an hour away at the seaside for the weekend with his partner, but he got a really huffy "oh don't bother now i've gone round and sorted it myself" text off my aunt!
Neither of us get invites to family get togethers, like new year, bonfire night, birthdays etc. I had enough of my aunt who was the worst for it (the 6 times i've seen her in the near 7 years since my mums death shes cornered me, launched into announcing all the holidays shes been on, her up coming ones, all the fun events she's got planned, and then her "woe is me" act about any ailments, aches etc, then gets up and pisses off without a single "how are you?") so i text her in november that i didn't want any contact with her again because she always acts really selfishly and ignorant of my situation and is so boastful and insensitive. She went crying to the rest of the family, got nasty texts off my aunt and a scathing swearing voicemail off my gran so i changed my number. My dad still tries bless him but i'm done.

"In my dad's culture there is more of a tendency to invite everyone"

In both of our families it is the done thing to invite family, then friends.

In my family for younger generations it has been immediate family then friends. Cousins , aunties you rarely see aren't as common as more of my relatives seem to have smaller less formal weddings, especially if second weddings.