Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To think my husband has aggression problems

40 replies

Coffeecup1 · 05/03/2017 10:23

I've been married to him for 17 years and he's always had quite a short fuse. Early in the marriage he did something really awful to me and I should have left him straight after that, but didn't as he was apologetic and I felt sorry for him. Basically though I've pretty much always felt like he could snap - he has done several times but never to the extent of the first time. He gets really angry really quickly and he'll give me this look that you just wouldn't believe. I don't really know what I'm trying to say other than I think I might have had enough. This morning for instance in bed, I tugged at the covers because he has a habit of holding on to them for dear life even in his sleep, and he woke up and went mental! It was unbelievable-shouting, calling names. That's not normal is it? I think he needs help but also think a) won't and b) can I even be bothered trying to make him as not sure I love him any more? We have 2 kids and he loves them, isn't aggressive towards them (although he can be childish and huffy with them). Don't really know what I'm asking. Just kind of fed up and off-loading really.

OP posts:

Gallavich · 05/03/2017 11:59

Women often stay for the kids when they should be leaving for the kids.

winobaglady · 05/03/2017 12:06

Do you want your children to grow up and think his behaviour is normal?
Do you want your daughter to expect this in a relationship, or for your son to think this is how you treat people?

I wish you all the best. You have a tough time ahead. But you sound like a lovely, level headed person. You know you can have a good life.

AnyFucker · 05/03/2017 12:11

End your marriage

Yes, he will have time with his kids but they are old enough to tell you if he is abusive and violent to them

Don't stay for them

Original poster

Coffeecup1 · 05/03/2017 12:21

I do worry about them thinking it's normal and especially that daughter will end up like this one day. I know what I have to do. Thank you.

OP posts:

TheElephantofSurprise · 05/03/2017 12:27

If he tries to tell you that the latest incident was nothing much - remember, it was the last straw that broke the camel's back. You've put up with it, and put up with it, and stayed... and now it is time to plan and leave, safely, quietly.

I speak as one who has been pinned to the floor with her husband's hands tight around her neck, thinking this was the end.

phoenixtherabbit · 05/03/2017 12:43

You should not be scared of your partner, ever.

Either he needs to get help to control his anger and aggression, or you need to get rid.

Pandaponda · 05/03/2017 12:50

Agree with the above - OP it might be worth looking at a website called rights of women or similar which had loads of resources and a free legal helpline. Also Women's Aid of course. Also articles and books by Lundy Bancroft on angry men /deciding whether to stay or go are very good. Good Luck.

Pandaponda · 05/03/2017 12:53

rightsofwomen.org.uk/

Miserylovescompany2 · 05/03/2017 13:03

You can't live your life tip toeing around him. What he's done is beyond disgusting maybe the constant fear has made you suppress your real emotions and it's become your norm. You regulate his moods. That ain't your job to do.

He needs help. You can't give it to him nor can you force him to admit his major problem. What you can do is leave. That's in your realm of control the other stuff isn't.

You can't fix him. You'll break yourself trying.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 05/03/2017 13:36

To stay would put yourself in the role of a scapegoat who is, in H's eyes, punishable.
It might well escalate further.
How long before he would start on the DCs.

Naicehamshop · 05/03/2017 13:50

So sorry to hear about your situation, op.

Start to plan your exit now, before something worse happens.

pinkyredrose · 05/03/2017 13:56

You will never feel safe and secure in this marriage. He needs to leave.

pipsqueak25 · 05/03/2017 14:40

get out of this and cite the aggression, it might be the dc on the receiving end next and you cannot risk that, he shouldn't be able to have them over night if you thought they were are risk, but first things first and quietly get your 'leave plan' together.
we will give you as much support on here as you need, perhaps post on 'relationships' for more advice in the future when things get moving, you're not alone, there is ALWAYS the lovely mners to help

Janey50 · 05/03/2017 14:47

OMG OP. I just can't believe that you have stayed with him all these years after doing that to you! Really. I am absolutely horrified that any woman would stay with a man who did that to her. And as one of the PPs said, it's not aggression. It's VIOLENCE. Full stop. Please please think seriously about leaving him, before he does you any more harm. Best regards luck whatever you decide to do.

LakieLady · 05/03/2017 14:58

Creating a climate of fear like he has is emotional abuse. It can be really damaging - I put up with it for 10 years before I told my ex our marriage was over, and I didn't realise the effect it had been having on me until it stopped.

Your kids will have picked up on the atmosphere and may even be scared of him themselves.

Please leave him. If you haven't got anywhere you can go, there are organisations that can help you.

Flip

1 2