AIBU to think perhaps I need to raise my parenting standards if I want this kid to hang out with us?!

[motherofallhens]

Hi all,

Not sure this is a case for AIBU but thought I’d give it a go. DS1 (14) has a best friend, let’s call him Toby. They hang out together a lot at school and like to do things out of school too. However, the problem is that Toby’s mum clearly finds my parenting skills wanting and this is beginning to impact on the boys’ time together.

For example, when Toby and DS want to organise a sleepover, it is almost always at Toby’s house. Whenever I invite Toby here there is usually some reason he can’t come so DS goes to his house instead. This is fine by me but DS would like him to come to us sometimes, which seems fair enough. The odd time he’s come, Toby’s mum meets the boys from school to walk them to the bus stop. The first time I thought “that’s nice she must have been in the area” but she seems to do it each time, suggesting that she’s not happy with them getting the bus together even though my son does this every day on his own and I can't see the problem as the boys are teenagers.

Another time, we organised for the boys to sleep out in the garden (in the summer, of course!). She made it clear she didn’t think it was a good idea even though the boys were really excited and texted various times during the evening to make sure Toby was ok.

Then, final straw was on Friday evening when I was picking DS up from school (unusual occurrence as I’m normally working). Toby’s mum took me to one side in the playground and asked me “what was I thinking?” as she’d seen DS out on his bike the other day without a helmet. Full disclosure here, he never wears a helmet – he rides a decrepit bike with no gears on a bike lane with no cars on it so I’ve never really thought about it although I probably should have done. I told her this, probably confirming once again that I am way too relaxed about my kids, although I’ve since been beating myself up for being pathetic and feeling the need to explain my parenting decisions to her!

So, I’m sure this sort of thing happens all the time to other people so I’m curious to hear what you think I should do about this. Should I just accept that if we want her son to hang out with us I should be a bit less relaxed about things and make sure we pick him up/drop him off and avoid potentially health and safety-busting activities while he’s here? Or, assuming that this is Toby's mum's plan, should we just let the boys hang out more at their house? Perhaps there's another strategy I haven’t thought of or maybe I'm just totally overthinking this!

There's a playground parents pick kids up from at high school? Don't the kids walk out to the car?

Starry, not riding on roads doesn't negate the need for a helmet - heads can be cracked on concrete, stones, trees, anything you hit on your way off a bike.

I hate them but my brother has worked in A&E for 20 years so I know to wear one always.

Bike helmets are not a must. Research does not support a heavy handed approach to using helmets for normal street cycling, though racing is a different matter. Providing him with a helmet is not a bad idea, but the effect of turning him off the idea of using his bike will be more likely to be physically detrimental to his health, so insisting is unwise. I don't know where the idea that no kids over x age will wear a helmet comes from though. I see loads of teen boys wearing helmets on the streets in London, (and loads not!).

I think you have a couple of choices OP. You can let things continue as they are and wait for friend's mum to lighten up as friend gets older. Or you could try a candid chat with friend's mum. Along the lines of "I notice doesn't come over much. Are you uncomfortable with my parenting and is there anything I can do that would make you more comfortable with him coming?" and then consider any suggestions she makes (but don't necessarily just agree). I don't think there is much point in you just "raising" your parenting standards without talking to her. She's already formed an opinion of you and is unlikely to notice before it would be too late anyway. And it isn't what you think is best really anyway is it?

I second what everyone else has said,

About the helmets....my friends wore their helmets at all times when they were on their bike.....and it was always done up too. I think their mum had spies everywhere though.

Sorry, I'm going to get roasted for this, but I was the most reckless cyclist ever, before helmets were ever invented and came off my bicycle so many times it's not true, so I find cycle helmets for ordinary around town cycling a bit OTT.

The number of teens I see cycling past DS and I each morning with their cycle helmet hanging from their handlebars is quite astounding, including the trio who cycle up the main road, helmet and hi-viz-less, when there is a very good cycle path on the opposite side of the road 🙄
So yes, get a helmet for him, but make sure its a "cool" skater one, otherwise i suspect it will be dangling from the handlebars ;)

Nope but it is less likely I will have an accident on a cycle path than a busy road and I won't wear one regardless. Can't abide anything on my head, gives me panic attacks and the straps make my glasses wonky so I can't see properly. As a grown adult, I've assessed the risks and the likelihood of my having an accident and how severe that accident might be and decided to take my chances. My ds wears one but he is 3 and I still have the power to make him. When he gets older I will tell him he has to but I am under no illusions that it won't come off the minute I can no longer see him.

The one time I forgot my helmet was the time I got hit by a car. I survived with bruised and displaced ribs. I always wear one now and so does my DD.

Can't believe people are trying to discredit the helmet! It's like saying seat belts are overrated! I've never had a car accident, I'm still going to wear it though! Getting through 10 years of cycling without a helmet doesn't make you invincible for the next 10!
My brother came off his bike (he's 37) he wasn't going fast luckily as he was going uphill. His helmet hit the kerb instead of his head and all that he needed was pain relief for his ribs, a fixed tyre and a new helmet as his was nearly split in half. It's a life saver.
As for the other stuff, I'd have died if my mum walked me home when I was 14!

Every morning on the school run I see a male cyclist with a baby (less than a year old) in one of those front bike seats on the handle bars. The man has a helmet but the baby doesn't, I have no idea what they are thinking (and I'm a lax parent)

Helmets for cycling on a cycle path are not necessary in my opinion.

Nor on roads for that matter, but especially not on cycle paths.

"There is no direct evidence that the wearing of cycle helmets has led to fewer deaths amongst cyclists."

www.cyclehelmets.org/1012.html

Brain surgeon says cycle helmets are too flimsy to make any difference.

www.cnet.com/uk/news/brain-surgeon-theres-no-point-wearing-cycle-helmets/

Thanks for all your replies everybody. As the bike helmet issue seems to have taken off here, just to say I have no problem at all with Toby's mum having a view about bike helmets. And in the context of AIBU, I am quite happy to be told what I've been doing is wrong. What I didn't like was being told the same thing when I didn't ask for her opinion and I was just minding my own business picking my son up from school, if that makes sense!

Bit of a mix then in terms of what you think I should do about the underlying issue. I think I might just see how this plays out in the meantime. If nothing else, it's good to know I'm not the only one who thinks it's ok for 14 year-old boys to get the bus home :) And yes I will get Junior to wear a bike helmet in case you were wondering!

Helmets save lives- did you not watch the Rio Olympcs cycling race when the Dutch cyclist came off her bike and landed on her head. She did fracture her spine, and suffered a concussion. without the helmet she likely would have died from brain injuries on the spot.

Why not try being über friendly to her ? Nothing to lose and plenty to gain. If she rebuffs you then it confirms your suspicion.

I think I might just be Toby's mum!! Seriously though remember you don't know other people until you've walked a mile in their shoes. I'm over protective of my kids, I'm constantly in a state of panic about things that could happen. I lost my brother when I was 18 in a horrific accident and I cannot separate that from my kids future. Please don't think it's all down to your parenting and try not to judge others. I have very, very tolerant friends who really try to reassure me but people who don't know me too well probably think I'm a bit weird

Secret you're comparing apples and oranges.

For racing helmets make sense because of the speeds you're going which is the sweet spot helmets are designed to protect you against. But at normal commuter speeds you aren't that likely to hit your head at a speed that will kill you, your risk is more when being hit by a vehicle and helmets are insufficient protection for that.

I'm not saying they do nothing. Just that it isn't much and so isn't worth the shocked outrage so many proponent seem to invest. Cyclists on roads are safest when there are more cyclists. And insistence helmets tend to decrease participation in cycling, hence not actually improving cycling safety.

I used to not wear a helmet while riding my bike to school, alone, on public roads, at the age of 8.

Admittedly helmets didn't exist as concept then. Neither did car child seats. Even if child seats had existed, we wouldn't have been able to use them, as cars had no seat belts in the back seats with which to secure them. (I've just looked it up, and apparently the legal requirement for cars to have seat-belts in the back was introduced in 1987.)

(I have no point, just reminiscing.)

Get him a helmet and make him wear it. I knew 2 people who have died cycling. Not in car collisions but falling off their bikes and striking their heads awkwardly (separate occasions). One died straight away the other about 10 days later after his life support was switched off.
She is being OTT about the rest.

Such an assumption that all teenagers are idiots or that they care more about their image than about their safety. Plenty of teens wear helmets because they know it's a sensible thing to do.

Not assuming they are idiots; just observing the reality. Our local secondary school has close to 1000 pupils cycling to it everyday and the majority do not wear a helmet.

putting cycle helmets aside for a moment... My DD has a good friend who lives almost-opposite-but-just-down-a-bit from us. The good friend comes and stays with us all the time. My DD hates being in their house... the mum is a clean-freak (I - most definitely - am not) and dad gets angry and shouty for reasons my DD can't fathom.

Hence, when we get invites we try and manipulate it so their child stays here instead. Would rather die than say this to the parents. Suggest you look at the actions rather than the words. And perhaps then look at why you think they're doing this. And once you've thought about it, either block them or make changes. I'm not judging, I'm just trying to give you an insight into what the other parent may be feeling.

The mum sounds like a nightmare but Toby seems perfectly fine so I wouldn't worry too much.

DD had a friend over today and when I offered them a drink and a biscuit she asked if the biscuits were homemade and proceeded to turn her nose up at my offering of a chocolate hob nob. I was told 'my mummy makes only has homemade bread and cookies because it's healthier'. Seriously had to restrain myself from saying maybe mummy should spend less time making healthy cookies and more time teaching you some manners

I would bet Toby loves coming to yours!