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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

About tickets I had bought for DP?

50 replies

Seashellsbythesea · 03/03/2017 07:39

I bought my normally lovely DP tickets for a concert as his Christmas present. I checked with him about the dates etc before I booked it. It would mean a trip and overnight stay which he also knew when I arranged it. The concert is tonight. We can't go because he's too busy with work he has to do. AIBU to feel really sad and fed up? My previous LTR was quite abusive and although I think I've moved on lots from that, situations like this leave me feeling incredibly rejected. My boundaries are somewhat wobbly at times because of things that went on in my last relationship and I have trouble with deciding what is reasonable! Sorry to waffle! Just feeling really hurt today and not sure what to do about it.

OP posts:

Original poster

Seashellsbythesea · 03/03/2017 08:30

He does a mixture of self employed and also salaried work for an employer. To be fair, work has been crazy for the last few weeks, we'd discussed the concert trip but he kept saying we would go. This week he just decided that he had too much on and it wouldn't fit in! He just takes on too much stuff and then life gets crazy trying to do it all.

OP posts:

Trills · 03/03/2017 08:36

he kept saying we would go

If he knew that he would be too busy he should have let you know sooner so you could arrange to go with someone else.

But again this could be a "good" person being unrealistically optimistic, or a "bad" person not thinking that you are important.

BadToTheBone · 03/03/2017 08:37

I'd be annoyed and I'd tell him too, so as to avoid this sort of thing in the future. However, I'd ultimately accept it can't be changed now and that work comes first.

Hope you find someone else to take, or even go on your own.

TheNaze73 · 03/03/2017 08:42

Why don't you take a friend?

I think you'll get a variety of answers here based on people's own career roles. If you're on an IT project, you sometimes have to suck these things up. Rewards are high, sacrifices are high.

whattodowiththepoo · 03/03/2017 08:51

"Your Christmas present is supposed to be today I wish you had been more thoughtful and kind. Now I have to go with a friend or it's an even bigger waste, I hope you can pick the kids up tonight"

IamFriedSpam · 03/03/2017 08:55

It's so hard to know how necessary it was for him to take on this extra work. If it was completely unavoidable or would have left him in a really difficult situation then it's disappointing but not unreasonable of him if he's just casually taken on more without thinking much about your gift and the trip then it's very insensitive.

I think the easiest way is to approach I'm non confrontationally and just let him know that you're really disappointed because you feel he didn't appreciate your gift or set aside that time for the special trip. See what he says.

mouldycheesefan · 03/03/2017 08:56

Go with a friend.

Original poster

Seashellsbythesea · 03/03/2017 08:58

I would be quite happy to do with a friend or whatever but it's too short notice to organise it now. I think basically he's a good man but just thoughtless sometimes-as in he's happy to forgo his treat but had not given a thought to how I'd feel about it. I will have to discuss it with him because it has made me feel so far down his list of priorities. He won't have thought of it like that though.

OP posts:

pinkdelight · 03/03/2017 08:59

Sorry you're disappointed but I agree with fighter: "It was his Christmas present. It's up to him if he wants to/can go or not."

Sometimes work comes first. And you bought him a gift, not a guilt-trip. If he can't use it, that's a shame but it shouldn't be about you. Use the tickets or let it slide. These things happen.

GwenStaceyRocks · 03/03/2017 09:09

It would have been kinder if he had committed to the work sooner and given you the opportunity to take someone else. That's the part that would annoy me. If his work is suddenly so demanding, then he can't help that. He can help the fact that he waited till the last minute to call off, making it difficult for anyone to get the use of the tickets.
Did you choose the event because he really wanted to go? Or is it something that you like more and he was always lacklustre in his enthusiasm for it? He still shouldn't have been so lax either way.

SparklyMagpie · 03/03/2017 09:09

Why don't you go on your own then OP? Have a nice night to yourself. Or tbh I'd probably take one of the children as a one off treat. I'd still ask a friend, you never know although it's short notice, if I was asked I'd be up for it.

It's a hard situation, but turn it round, don't let it go to waste!

Original poster

Seashellsbythesea · 03/03/2017 09:14

It was something that he wanted to do. I thought it would be a nice treat for us both and a good opportunity to spend time together. I wish I hadn't bothered now!

OP posts:

SparklyMagpie · 03/03/2017 09:35

that really sucks OP! I feel for you.

please try and get there yourself ! You can still make a night of it!

SuchHysteria · 03/03/2017 09:38

He had it in his diary but chose not to prioritise this over work

My DH has had to cancel things because of work. He doesn't want to but he has too. I wouldn't dream of making life difficult about bit for him as I know he would much rather not.

Bubbinsmakesthree · 03/03/2017 10:49

How U it of your DH really depends on the specifics of the work situation. Sometimes work does have to take priority although most people would do their upmost to avoid having to waste a Christmas present like this.

I get the frustration - DH can be a bit of a workaholic, let it get on top of him and not be great at prioritising and using his time effectively. If I ever ask him about what he wants to do at the weekend he'll reel off a list of work stuff he wants to catch up and chores. He'll never suggest a day trip or family activity. If it wasn't for me forcing him we'd never do anything fun or have a holiday.

But if it wasn't for his commitment to his career we'd not have the money for days out and holidays.

Although we wind each other up with it sometimes ultimately we balance each other - ying and yang!

BewtySkoolDropowt · 03/03/2017 10:49

You don't know if it is too short notice until you try! Shove a post on Facebook saying that hubby can't go, would anyone else like to go to? You might be surprised. Or a group text.

You shouldn't miss out just because he has made a mistake.

Voice0fReason · 03/03/2017 11:27

I'd be annoyed but work comes first.
It doesn't in my house!
If you won't put time aside to spend time with your loved ones on special occasions, what is the point of being in a relationship?

user1471517900 · 03/03/2017 11:42

I feel really sorry for the partner here. I doubt he wanted to miss whatever is happening due to work so he will be annoyed at himself. And I don't think it's the OPs right to get angry on her behalf. It's his gift, it's not like a joint weekend away planned for both. He's missing his present.

Getting angry at him for not thinking of her feelings is ridiculous. He's got to work now instead of going to something he was looking forward to.

ThomasRichard · 03/03/2017 11:45

I'd be upset and hurt OP. If it was a last-minute emergency that just happened to be today it would be understandable, e.g. he's a teacher and a safeguarding report was made this afternoon that he had to investigate immediately, or he was a manager sacking one of his employees for gross misconduct, etc. That's where work really does trump a special event and it's unfortunate but it's not foreseeable or avoidable. Then you could commiserate together and still try to salvage the trip by making it out in time for dinner and the hotel at least.

This is just him looking at his time 'budget' and seeing this special occasion with you as something that can be squeezed out to help him with his poor workload planning and management. It's entirely within his control to have looked at his diary and managed his commitments to honour your plans that he had agreed to.

Yes it's his Christmas present but it doesn't just affect him, does it? How would anyone like it anyway if they gave a thoughtful present and the recipient binned it infront of them? It's the same thing. It's mean, selfish and rude.

SouthWestmom · 03/03/2017 13:28

Well it sounds more like a Christmas present for you as well tbh. You want to go and you're cross with him.

Maybe all the faff of a present he had to then book a hotel for etc seemed good in abstract to him but the reality is different? Perhaps you should have done hotel, travel and tickets all at the same time as his gift?

Original poster

Seashellsbythesea · 03/03/2017 16:33

Thanks everyone for your views. It was good to hear what you all thought. I find it very helpful because I don't always know what reasonable expectations are because of stuff that went on in my past. I certainly didn't want to make it all about me. We've talked about it today and I think both now understand how each other feels about it. DP is upset to be missing the concert. Life just gets in the way of plans sometimes I guess.

OP posts:

blackteasplease · 03/03/2017 16:48

That's great, but you should still go on your own.

WhereYouLeftIt · 03/03/2017 17:10

I would be fucking furious with him. This is a long-standing arrangement, he had plenty of notice, and was in a position to plan his work commitments. What it would say to me is that I am at the bottom of the pile to him.

So he's upset at missing the concert. Pfft. How does he feel about treating you as an afterthought, only to be serviced if nothing else calls on his time?

UsedToBeAPaxmanFan · 03/03/2017 17:24

I understand that you're disappointed OP but it was HIS treat not yours, and he is the one missing out. It would be different if he'd bought the tickets for your present and then let you down.

My dh sometimes has to miss things, not because of poor planning but because other people don't do what they are supposed to do. He has a lot of tight deadlines, and so sometimes his colleagues let him down snd he ends up working til midnight unexpectedly. I don't get cross with him, I feel sorry for him.

Giraffes63 · 03/03/2017 21:25

Sorry, you don't say if your a SAHM or working, he may be worried about the security of his work and providing for his family. Its not easy keeping going and putting on a brave face. You are projecting your previous problems and maybe reading too much into his actions. You talk about a night away but don't state any childcare arrangements. Fwiw I would be well pissed off if my partner arranged something without consulting me where the kids were going to be staying for the time away. Talk to him and discuss requirements before organising stuff which requires him missing work.

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