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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not to attend DS age 8 school play

30 replies

dadap · 02/03/2017 20:28

The reason being that I am trying to teach him a lesson. He has been rude to me and has developed an attitude of anger, literally when he doesn't get his own way. -not physical but sulking, and not responding to anyone, which creates a horrible atmosphere. Admittedly it doesn't last long but is frequent, at any opportunity and he often asks for things he will know I will not agree to and then use that to show his attitude. It also happens with his friends and can be very unpleasant for them and for me. This has gone on for a long time and meant that it has been difficult for him to develop friendships further than the school gate.

2nd part is I am a single parent working full-time and have so far attended every play, shared learning, concert, performance etc since reception. We don not have any other family around so I am the only one that can attend, Also I enjoy it and he likes it when I come. However this week in particular his attitude has been really bad towards me. I want him to understand that what he is doing is not nice. It's hurtful and if I am feeling hurt I wouldn't want to do nice things for him - (usually I just carry on - and punishment is usually no screen time )- It breaks my heart not to go - as I really want to see it - and obviously he is asking me to come but I am hoping that he will understand the consequence better this way. What would you do in this situation?

OP posts:

Christmasnoooooooooooo · 02/03/2017 20:31

Go don't stoop to his level . Your the only he can be nasty to find out why he is being nasty.

Herdingcows · 02/03/2017 20:31

I would find another form of punishment. This just sounds cruel

Sirzy · 02/03/2017 20:32

Go.

Find another way to tackle the behaviour but don't miss a play just to prove some sort of point

ilovesooty · 02/03/2017 20:33

I think that sounds cruel and I wonder how easily he'll understand or be able to link the consequence to the behaviour.

Aliveinwanderland · 02/03/2017 20:33

Going to see his play isn't really you "doing a nice thing for him". Supporting him in things he does is part of parenting, it's his right to have your support, not a privilege and so shouldn't be withheld.

Go, enjoy the play, praise his efforts and big him up for doing something well. Build his self esteem. Withhold privileges such as TV or tablet time as a consequence, not your love and attention.

ALittleMop · 02/03/2017 20:34

I do not know what I would do, but I know I wouldn't miss his play.

This doesn't seem like a natural consequence for his action, just a hurtful response.

smilingsarahb · 02/03/2017 20:35

I don't really see how not turning up to a play relates to his behaviour to be honest. It sounds a bit like you hurt my feelings so I am going to hurt yours and I'm not sure he will learn much from it. Can you book an appointment with a home school link worker for instance and talk about how to help him with his attitude. Something that worked for me was writing down all the positive things my child did and popping it in a jar. At the end of the week we read them out together to remind us of all the lovely things whilst eating favourite meal (with candles) there weren't any points or prizes. The prize was just that mummy had noticed and cared enough to write in down. Things like brushed teeth first time. Gave me a beautiful smile when I collected you from school etc
If you can't take the time off work, then that's a different issue, but you should just be honest and say that's the case.

Starlight2345 · 02/03/2017 20:35

Absolutely not.. I remember my dad making me do jobs for him to come and see a play I was very proud of my part in. I am in my 40's and can still remember feeling so gutted he didn't want to see me.

No screen time is not working if it doesn't change the behaviour. Empathy is something that in my sons case has certainly needed teaching..How would you feel if ... was done, /said to you.

If he won't respond he goes to his room until he can behave appropriately.

Rules for how you treat each other.

Your idea is the worst of all.

ALittleMop · 02/03/2017 20:36

Actually I think I would toughen right up on the privileges too.

And I'd try some of the How to Listen So Kids will talk approaches but tbh it sounds like he's trying to manipulate you with the sulking which is obviously going to be more intense if there is just the two of you.

ZombieApocalips · 02/03/2017 20:37

I see the play as an educational thing so wouldn't use it as a punishment. Depends how bad his behaviour is but I use withdrawal of treats like TV /bedtime hot chocolate, household chores or an earlier bedtime as punishment.

Somevampsarehot · 02/03/2017 20:39

@smiling what a lovely thing to do!

LittleGreyBear · 02/03/2017 20:39

I'd go to the play as it has nothing to do with his sulking.
I would deal with the sulking separately - perhaps something is troubling him? You should try to get to the bottom of it.

Tiptoethr0ughthetulips · 02/03/2017 20:41

Please go to the play. You will regret not going. He's a teen, displaying teen behaviour... you are however an adult, remove gadgets, screen time, ground him do whatever else but I definitely think you should support him in his play.

Original poster

dadap · 02/03/2017 20:50

Ok I hear you all
@smiling - I like that!
@smilingsarah - I already have the time off - so that's not an issue. The issue is what I have taken the time write!

I will go - but removing privileges doesn't seem to work as he knows that however long its for - they are still temporary - This is what I have used for years, and now he is getting older - so that attitude as he gets older can appear aggressive even if he isn't physical

Thank you all

OP posts:

Purplepixiedust · 02/03/2017 20:50

He is 8. Go to the play.

Purplepixiedust · 02/03/2017 20:51

Sorry cross post OP.

Also agree smiling's idea is fab :)

harderandharder2breathe · 02/03/2017 20:51

Go to the play. It's not a direct response to his behaviour so it's unfair not to go just because you don't like his behaviour (totally understand some parents can't go which is very different from choosing not to go).

Look at other consequences such as missing an activity (as a child just the threat of my parents phoning my activity and telling that I wasn't attending because of bad behaviour was enough. If the threat isn't enough then you have to follow through.) or no pocket money or no treat if screen time ban isn't working.

He's 8. That's still really little and choosing to not attend is going to feel like a withdrawal of your live and that's not okay.

harderandharder2breathe · 02/03/2017 20:51

*withdrawal of your love

harderandharder2breathe · 02/03/2017 20:52

Sorry cross posted, I'm glad you decided to go OP

harderandharder2breathe · 02/03/2017 20:53

When you remove privileges is it for a set time or is it until his behaviour improves with swift removal if it deteriorates again? If he doesn't care about temporary bans the latter might work?

Original poster

dadap · 02/03/2017 20:55

@harder - its always for a time set. -
I'll try the 2nd option

OP posts:

smilingsarahb · 02/03/2017 21:07

I think it's a transition age where some techniques need tweaking and adjusting. That is the age I read the how to talk so your kids will listen book too. It had some good ideas in it (I didn't enjoy the style of writing but I forgave it for the tips) I'm sure there is a chapter on freeing children from playing roles and that's what gave me the idea of writing all the nice things down. I was feeling hurt and started to cast him in the role of sulky boy. I also read Calmer, Happier Easier Boys and 10 days to a less defiant child but the first book seemed to click more.

Oblomov17 · 02/03/2017 21:13

I was tempted to do what you did. Why should I bother going? But that's not the right punishment. I struggled too when screen time / x box removal didn't work either.
It is hard to find something that is effective.

Original poster

dadap · 02/03/2017 21:45

@smilingsarah which author for how to talk / listen as there are a few on amazon - thanks

OP posts:

Trifleorbust · 02/03/2017 21:59

Not going to the play is - sorry - using emotional disengagement as punishment. It's a pretty unhealthy way to parent imo.

Stick to consequences you have outlined already, but he needs to know your love for him is unconditional.

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