Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

bare with me its confusing and long but.... AIBU??

21 replies

QueenofT · 01/03/2017 14:04

okay so here goes…
I have been with my other half for 11 years and married for 8 of those, we married and had children super young-he was in the army at the time so married to be together when he moved around the country.
I have loved this man with every ounce of my being every day that I have known him bu I guess I haven’t ever been enough because there have been others and everytime I have forgiven…. anyway the last time this happened I found out by accident.. he had stupidly left his fb open whilst talking to a girl.
the things he said to her still crush me…
-how he had never loved me, apparently I had trapped him by having kids
-how he still thinks everyday about his ex(from 12 years ago!)
-how unattractive he finds me
I could go on and on with the things he said but I wont as I find myself crying (sorry)
anyway he went to leave telling me that he didn’t want this anymore and so I told him goodbye and to make sure this is what he wanted before leaving because this would be it over n done with and I left for the school run and a day at work.
I got home that night to find him still there and telling me he loved me and lets try again and he was apparently just let things get on top of him.
so yet again I forgave and tried best I could to forget until now.. 8 months later and his best mate is now going through the same thing with his wife-though he is on the receiving end rather then her.
I see my fella getting angry at this woman for hurting his friend and saying things like how can she do that to him etc and now I have his friend also emailing me for advice…
its all coming again and I hurts so much that I cant breathe
am I wrong to be so upset? I just feel that if he can call this woman all the names under the sun for doing exactly what he has done to me only months ago then how can he live with himself? only giving me a crappy explaination of it was all getting on top of him?!
AIBU??

OP posts:

UrethaFranklin · 01/03/2017 14:05

YA definitely NBU. Why are you still with him?

fuzzywuzzy · 01/03/2017 14:08

Have you said to him she is only doing what he has done to you?

I would not have stayed personally.

Can you envision a future with this man? What are his incentives for not doing it again, he seems to have cheated numerous times.

Jaysis · 01/03/2017 14:11

A relationship is supposed to make you happy.

You don't sound happy. You sound like you've been unhappy for a long long time.

ChicRock · 01/03/2017 14:14

So when you pointed out that she's only done exactly what he did to you - what did he have to say for himself?

Patriciathestripper1 · 01/03/2017 14:25

Omg what are you doing still with him?
Has he made you so low that you have no self worth?
I'd kick him out as he clearly had no respect or real love for you and every time you take him back you are giving him the green light to keep doing this.
Why would he leave? Who would wash and cook and look after him and iron his shirts so he can go and visit yet another woman- its called having your cake and eating it.
And to answer your question he can live with himself because he dosnt give a shit about you and dosnt think he has done anything wrong. Well that's the message you have given him - that you don't matter.
How can you let him back in your bed knowing that he had been with someone else and even worse still by saying those horrible things about you?
I'm sorry i sound harsh but You need get a reality check and kick him out as the last 11 years have ment nothing.

LouiseTM · 01/03/2017 14:45

I know the thought of not having him around is probably to much for you atm, but if he genuinely loved you as much you love him he would have learned from the first time. I think you need to have a good think about what you want and deserve from a partner. You dont deserve to be treated like this and you are 100% not being unreasonable for being upset. My hear goes out to you.

Original poster

QueenofT · 01/03/2017 16:06

he is a typical man who walks off or gets annoyed at any mention of it all :(
he sounds awful but hes just not a talker I guess?

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 01/03/2017 16:09

he is a typical man who walks off or gets annoyed at any mention of it all he sounds awful but hes just not a talker I guess?

Original poster

QueenofT · 01/03/2017 16:18

Thank you ladies for taking time to talk to me, I know I have some thinking to do and I know you are all right in what you are saying.... I am so conflicted, I have been with him practically my whole adult life and I do genuinely love him. when its good it is beyond amazing but when its bad I feel so alone and hurt and angry. I find myself desperate for the love and attention from him because I'm so insecure so maybe its all my fault? I don't know.

OP posts:

WhereYouLeftIt · 01/03/2017 16:20

That is NOT the behaviour of a typical man. But your husband is not a typical man; typical men are kind and loving and faithful and not given to hypocrisy - which is exactly what your husband is practicing right now, decrying his friend's wife for doing exactly what he has done to you.

You got together with him young, which frankly means you have little to compare him with. But even so, you KNOW his behaviour stinks. You keep forgiving him, which means he will keep doing it.

I say this a lot on here - 'if you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got'.

So - do you want your husband to continue to hurt you, to be unfaithful to you, to model such poor behaviour to your children? (And don't kid yourself you can hide this travesty of a relationship from them - you can't. And they will grow up thinking that that is what a relationship looks like, and they will start the cycle all over again .)

You know what you have to do. You need to get rid of him.

Lochan · 01/03/2017 16:27

It's not typical to walk away from your wife when she is distressed and wants to talk to you. It's really not.

I'd be pointing out that this woman has done exactly his friend what he has done to you.

Why is he upset for his friend but not upset for you? Why doesn't it distress him that he has treated you so badly?

I would suggest that if you are going to stay together, this is a conversation that can't be avoided.

You need to have a think about what you want too. Whether you stay together should be a choice you make, not just a reflection of what your husband decides to do.

BettyBaggins · 01/03/2017 16:50

You may love him but he is NOT loving YOU.

It isn't your fault. You got into a relationship young and just find it hard to imagine adult life without him, that doesn't mean you can't have a different life in which you are loved and your, and your DC frankly, are respected.

Try and imagine how it would feel not to have in your mind on a daily basis 'When will he cheat again?'

Serialweightwatcher · 01/03/2017 16:54

I'm not surprised you're upset ... he sounds like a completely selfish, immature idiot. He can't even see that what he did was the same as her because he is totally up his own jacksy. You are used to him being there and because you've never had anyone else, you're scared of the unknown. You need to have this out with him properly and tell him what a jerk he has been to you and how much he has hurt you and if he walks away, you should too

ChrisYoungFuckingRocks · 01/03/2017 16:55

This man cares nothing for you. He likes having someone at home to take care of him/housework/kids, while he looks for 'fun' elsewhere. You are nothing but a possession to him. Even my abusive ex didn't badmouth me to other women. Men who love a woman don't act like this.

You probably do love him, but he's all you've known. You're probably dependent on his approval and live for the 'ups', and 'get through' the downs. That's no way to live, and he ABSOLUTELY WILL cheat on you again.

He treats you like shit and you enable it by forgiving him every time. He'll never stop. You need to LTB and find happiness for yourself. Your kids will grow up thinking this is normal behaviour and the circle will just continue. Sorry if this sounds harsh, but if you are to have any chance at a decent future with mutual love and respect, you need to get out. ASAP.

Obsidian77 · 01/03/2017 16:55

The only way you're being unreasonable is by putting up with this shit from him.
What (if anything) is going to make him change?

Rubies12345 · 01/03/2017 16:56

He doesn't love you, it's there in black and white. You need to have some self respect and move on.

DreamingOfADifferentMe · 01/03/2017 16:57

Oh Queen, you poor, poor thing. I was with my ex-husband for a long, long time, from when I was 16 until I was 32, so all of my adult life. Like you, I loved him and couldn't imagine a life that wasn't with him but after a few incidents where it made me question things, I suddenly realised that I was living half a life. I knew, deep down, that I couldn't be completely happy with him - there would always be questions and compromises and I just didn't want it anymore.

It sounds like you've reached that point - sometimes seeing someone else go through something similar is enough to make you realise the bigger picture. Put simply, is this the life you want, where you're always wondering if he's still feeling the things he said. Do you want to wait for the next time his eye wanders or he thinks he deserves more? You are worth more than that, as are your children, so take your time, ask for some space and try to explore what it is that YOU want from life, from marriage... He may well discover he's not the one in charge here.

thethoughtfox · 01/03/2017 17:02

'when its good it is beyond amazing'

But it isn't, is it? It only looks like it on the surface. He doesn't love you or have respect for you and is likely to be talking to other women even when he is sleeping with you or being nice to you.

Bluntness100 · 01/03/2017 17:04

I think you need to look at why you love someone so much who treats you so badly, and who keeps treating you badly. It seems it's irrelevant how shit he treats you, you just keep loving him for it. I think you need to try to work this out, seek help in terms of therapy, because this isn't right and can't be making uou happy,

As for the thing about being with him most of your adult life, that's no excuse. I've been with my husband since I was 20 I am now 47 and I know an arsehole when I see one. I know when I'm being mistreated. I'm fairly sure you do too, telling someone on Facebook he finds you unattractive and has never loved you is not because things got on top of him, it's because he has no respect for you, and he has no respect, because it doesn't matter what he does, you just keep taking it. You can't have an amazing time with a man who does this to you, how can you?

You need to also think of your kids. They will see how you are treated, they will know even if you think you hide it, and it's a terrible life lesson for them.

CatsBatsEars · 01/03/2017 17:07

I'd definitely LTB!

donquixotedelamancha · 01/03/2017 17:26

I'm going to break with the herd in two respects:

I think YABU.
I don't see the point in telling you to LTB.

Why? You have no self respect. You have chosen to stay with someone who doesn't respect you, or value your happiness. I wouldn't waste energy getting upset that he has no self awareness and is a git- you have known this for years and you choose to be with him on those terms. You have an open relationship for one partner and you have agreed to that by not leaving.

Personally I think you will be happier if you choose to value and respect yourself. I can't imagine posting here, instead of just pointing out his hypocrisy- I'd feel horrible subjugating my feelings like that. Whether you then LTB, or renegotiate the terms of the relationship is up to you, but you won't feel different until you change.

P.S. I apologise if my harsh tone adds to your pain; but you asked and I find most people don't change because they don't really want to.

Flip