to decide to 'save' my bereavement leave for the funeral rather than visiting before?

[Iris65]

DP's family live in another European country. FIL is gravely ill and not expected to live more than a few days. DP has said he doesn't feel the need to visit as we saw them about a month ago bit he will go if I want to. His family have said that they would love to see us.Visiting involves a one hour flight and two hour train journey.
I have limited leave and can only take three days for close family bereavement. I can't decide whether to visit now or to save my leave for the funeral.
Back story is DP hadn't seen or had any contact with his family for 12 years until very recently when I asked to meet them. He just didn't feel the need to be in touch, no conflict or drama.
What would be best: go now or go to the funeral?

It sounds like he's already said goodbye to his father and made his peace with that. Repeatedly saying goodbye is extremely difficult; we got st least 5 or 6 "she's not going to make it through the night" calls for my nana and it's an absolute rollercoaster going through that "last time" again each time.

He's an adult and if you are sure he's content with the decision he has made then support him in that I'd say.

Agree lala we had a few with my wonderful MIL. It was awful.

OP I am mum to a DS with ASD and completely understand your DPs potential avoidance of a very emotional situation.

I read the following article a while ago and it really resonated with me. When XP walked out on DS (we split years ago but he stayed in DS life for a further 5 years before just walking away) DS acted in the ways described - in some ways dealing with the practical things, but in other ways having a regression and for a while appearing 'more autistic'. I had to help him to work through it and he gradually became more his usual self.

It sounds like your DP is taking a very pragmatic approach, and it could be that he is already grieving in his own way.

I'm glad you have talked about it, and I'm glad you're supporting him in doing what's right for him, not what normal society dictates (as evidenced by PP who think it's strange not to say goodbye but rather to go to the funeral). In many ways, the death will likely be the more emotionally charged and it will be a sudden change your DP may find hard to deal with. Conversely, after FIL has passed there are no more surprises - death is the final fact and your DP may feel much more comfortable processing that than the unpredictability of going before FIL passes.

for you both.

www.thinkingautismguide.com/2012/08/autistic-grief-is-not-like-neurotypical.html?m=1

RhodaBorrocks thank you so much for your post. It really helps.
As does hearing about the multiple death bed calls. They are in another country so it makes it harder to visit multiple times. We did have a call a month ago and went then. Weak smile.

Also, worth checking your work bereavement leave as in-laws don't necessarily automatically qualify for the leave.

My uncle had this decision re my gran but from oz so 24 hour flight. he went for the funeral in the end as couldnt arrange flights etc quickly enough. Let your dp decide as its his father. Maybe dp can go without you if he wants to see his father before and go the funeral. Horrible decision. Thoughts with you Xxx

It sounds like he's looking to you for guidance here. What would you do if it were your parents? I personally would favour meeting them while they were alive, one last meeting etc. But you need to do what's best for your partner here. Would he actually be better going at the funeral, or better saying goodbye?

Go now whilst he is alive. If it means you can't go to the funeral, it doesn't matter. Funerals are far from the only way to say goodbye.