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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have lost the plot with DH

26 replies

Ipushedmygrannyaffabus · 27/02/2017 23:15

Tonight DH lied to my face. I took a sip of his drink - which I thought was a soft drink) and realised it had alcohol in it. Asked him what was in it & he denied denied denied it was alcoholic for about 10 minutes. I went mad (about the lying not the drinking) and was yelling in his face.
Months ago, when our baby was newborn, he treated me terribly when he was drunk & was drinking too much. It was his decision to stop drinking during the week & stay away from spirits but was also the only reason I took him back.
He previously had a drug problem & used to lie to my face about that too. I refuse to be treated like an idiot again. I've asked him to leave and he is now packing (whilst shouting abuse at me). Have I over reacted? He didn't even try to apologise.

OP posts:

RJnomore1 · 27/02/2017 23:16

No you haven't over reacted and I suspect he has an addictive personality if not an actual addiction and is lying as a result. You will never come first.

Are you safe just now or is there a chance he can be violent?

tinglyfing · 27/02/2017 23:19

If he isn't even apologetic (and isn't understanding why you've lost the plot), then no I don't think you have over reacted. Been there, done that. I completely empathise.

Original poster

Ipushedmygrannyaffabus · 27/02/2017 23:20

He won't be violent. I know it's partly upset as he has nowhere local to go and is very attached to our baby. But as I keep telling him, it is his own behaviour that has caused this, not me. I,ve asked him countless times to see a counsellor as I strongly believe he has given up drugs only to replace it with alcohol, thereby not addressing the actual root of the problem.

OP posts:

Doublemint · 27/02/2017 23:20

No you haven't over reacted, it sounds like he has an alcohol problem and needs help. If he's lying about drinking would he continue the lie and get behind the wheel or give you DC a bath/supervise play etc. Whilst potentially drunk?
It could all go so wrong so quickly, you're doing the right thing.

scottishdiem · 27/02/2017 23:23

I am not sure what reaction you were looking for by yelling in his face other than a response in kind?

Its clear he has problems and it clear he needs help and it may be that he is unwilling/unable to do that but has he tried. Just stopping is very hard. Is he on a treatment programme anywhere?

Yes he is lying to you and he is lying to himself. You need to decide, when a little more calm, if he is capable of change when with you or, if he changes when not with you, if you are willing to stay with him. Above all you need what is best for you and your child and he will struggle to give that when drinking too much. But yelling in his face is not going to achieve anything really.

Original poster

Ipushedmygrannyaffabus · 27/02/2017 23:23

He's claiming I,ve "got what I wanted" and "will keep his baby away from him". Yeah, dealing with a dis functional man-child with a sick newborn is really what I want!!!! FML!!

OP posts:

RJnomore1 · 27/02/2017 23:24

What's that saying

You didn't cause this
You can't cure this
You can't control this

Original poster

Ipushedmygrannyaffabus · 27/02/2017 23:24

I know scottishdiem, I didn't handle it well :(

OP posts:

RJnomore1 · 27/02/2017 23:25

Is your wee one ok?

Patriciathestripper1 · 27/02/2017 23:28

No but only kick him out if you mean it.
You can't control someone.
If you know it's a deal breaker and you can't deal with it then let him go because he won't stop. The fact that this has happened shows that.

Properjob · 27/02/2017 23:34

Hiya IPGOTB I've been there. Try not to challenge him whilst he's drinking was the good advice I was given. Take yourself off to bed or whatever with the baby. And start to think about whether you think you can live with this. You might be able to, depending upon what he's like the rest of the time. The most important thing is you and the baby and getting some sleep tonight. You can't control his drinking, try to separate yourself from him physically while he is, that will help.

Ohyesiam · 27/02/2017 23:39

He sounds like he had proper addiction problems. In the 12 step programmes Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous etc there is an understanding that everyone starts to take responsibility for, and heal their addiction when they teach their own personal Rock Bottom. And the progress of recovery can't happen till then. So no , you are definitely not BU. You are mirroring reality back to him, letting him see how his actions affect the world around him, and the things he loves, and you might even be giving him his RockBottom.
It's great that you have the clarity to tell him how his drink, drugs and lies affect you.

ImperialBlether · 27/02/2017 23:42

He's not going to drive somewhere, is he?

Original poster

Ipushedmygrannyaffabus · 27/02/2017 23:53

No, he's not going anywhere tonight. He's leaving in the morning. He doesn't drive.

OP posts:

RB68 · 27/02/2017 23:55

I am not sure there is a perfect way to handle this.

You are not getting your own way - his behaviour is what has got him where he is and until he accepts that he shouldn't be welcome. You are right what he is doing is wrong, you are right he needs to leave and you are right he needs to accept the issue and get counseling or do what is needed re programmes etc but it is all down to him and is his responsibility not yours.

SpringerS · 28/02/2017 00:42

I know scottishdiem, I didn't handle it well

No, no, no, no, no! DO not blame yourself for this and do not let someone who's inane comments show they don't have the first beginnings of a clue about what fucking utter mind-twisting torture it is to live with an addict in denial. When you sipped the drink, knew there was alcohol in it and your husband kept insisting there wasn't, he was fucking with your perception of reality. It's a serious, very, very damaging form of emotional abuse called gaslighting.

My ex husband is an alcoholic turned drug addict and his lying in the face of evidence came drove me over the edge of sanity so, so many times. I will never forget the awful, fucked up feeling of knowing something was true but having him lie so sincerely, with stories so bizarre they were either weirdly true or he was a fucking psychopath. I used to literally feel reality shift about me as my brain tried to put together what I knew for an actual fact and the stupid, stupid lies told with such complete conviction that I doubted my grip on reality.

There is little you can do about his addictions but there is a lot you can do for your baby and the most important thing to do is to keep him/her out of the situation you are in. Because if you don't, the time will come that your husband is down this same road, lying to and warping the reality of his child instead of/as well as you. Whether your future has your husband living with you and your child or not, is up to him and whether or not he faces up to his addiction problems and genuinely deals with them.

Do read up on gaslighting. Read about it in depth, read other people's descriptions of being gaslighted, read psychiatric papers on how it works and how damaging it is. Even watch the movie(s). Because once you know what he's doing, it loses it's power. I almost feel sorry for my xdh now, as I've become so detached from his lies that they are easier to recognise and shut down. An addict isn't being a villain when they lie, they are just trying to maintain their addictions and their relationships with the people who their addictions are hurting. But that doesn't stop the gaslighting from causing you very real pain and emotional damage.

scottishdiem · 28/02/2017 02:40

"someone who's inane comments show they don't have the first beginnings of a clue about what fucking utter mind-twisting torture it is to live with an addict in denial"

You have no idea about what my life has been like and what experiences I have lived through. But thanks anyway. If you are a person that thinks that yelling in a persons face is a good thing then fair enough. On MN a man yelling in a womens face is deemed a bad thing. Rightly so. The reverse should also be the standard we aim for.

Addiction is a horrendous thing for those who suffer from it and those who live with and care for them and the addict needs to be in a treatment programme and support group.

reuset · 28/02/2017 02:56

No you haven't overreacted, not at all. Perfectly understandable, and you've given him at least one chance.

justilou · 28/02/2017 07:49

You poor thing! Did you take a sip because you suspected that he'd been drinking or where you sidelined? My family is full of addicts of all kinds... I understand that they are slaves to their addiction, but also know how thoroughly impossible it is to live with someone who is at best unreliable. You have probably been on tenterhooks waiting for this behaviour to resurface. You must be exhausted. I hope that this situation calms down and he leaves to get the help he needs. (And that you and your kid can live happily and safely)

andontothenext · 28/02/2017 08:52

Ok OP I'm going to ask you this

If a woman had come on here to say that her partner had been screaming in her face, what do you think the reaction would be?

He'd be called abusive etc and the poster would be told to LTB.

I think he was wrong for lying but you were wrong for shouting the odds.

IamFriedSpam · 28/02/2017 09:09

YANBU. If you enabled this behaviour you would be setting up everyone for larger problems down the line. Hopefully this will be the push he needs to actually tackle his addiction problems. If not then you've saved yourself and DC the pain of having an alcoholic in the house.

IamFriedSpam · 28/02/2017 09:11

As PP have said don't worry about how you handled it - you're a human being too, I'm not surprised you became emotional.

neonrainbow · 28/02/2017 09:12

Well done op youre doing the right thing. Either he will sort himself out or he won't but you can't do anything about his behaviour. You need to put yourself and your baby first. He's made his choice and you get to make yours.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 28/02/2017 10:10

OP your posting name is distinctive, it rang a bell so I found a thread started by you last August. I imagine things have been up and down with DP all this time.

Last night something went very wrong.
I suspect you were feeling badly let down and wanted to spread the hurt.
You are only responsible for your life, and that of your child, and if DP wants to change, only he can do it.

Ponocky · 28/02/2017 11:12

You haven't overreacted. As RJnomore1 said, and as someone who personally has dealt with a family member with addiction issues, you need to remind yourself of the 6 C's:

· You didn’t cause it
· You can’t cure it
· You can’t control it
· You can take care of yourself
· You can communicate your feelings
· You can make healthy choices

You are not responsible for him. Always do what you think is best for you and baby. I hope things get better for you from now on.

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