Am I? Feeling terribly guilty for cutting off family member financially

[Concerned321]

Hi everyone, sorry if this is long.

So i have been helping out my younger DB hes 25 since July. He was living in a shared house, but not paying his rent on time, gambiling some of his wages and just being reckless, albeit working full time through out.

Well he lost his room in the shared house, never told anyone until it was too late and then tried to stay with family.

Well he stayed with me for 2 weeks until i found him another place (he didnt bother looking) and as i put up the deposit i took over the finances.

From July - Jan it was issue after issue;

• he didnt like flatsharing - no motivation to work extra to save for his own place
• imagined the LL whom he shared with, didnt like him.
• Was diagnosised with Despression (as i am) wouldn't get a refill of the prescription and once gambled the money i gave him for the prescription.
• i found places to support with the gambling/ counseling for the depression. - wouldn't attend.
• Decided to give notice of the flat and move towns - without having the money to do so (muggins here paid the balance)
• Moved with no job, then got a job in the same chain about 4 weeks later, yelled at the manager and was let go.
• He gets the odd agency work, then 'sleeps in' usually burning his bridges with the agency,

I have let/gave him over £700 in all and i feel it has got him nowhere. I have been for the last few weeks giving him food money as he was suppose to start work as in the care sector, but has said today that they didnt want him, just after he recieved his DBS (who knows!)

The Straw that broke me was that he had paid work yesterday but 'slept in' and he cant help it!

Here i am on my part time wage, subbing his rent and giving him food money and he cant be arsed!!!

So i've handed him back everything today and he can sort himself out. But i feel incredibly guilty - i shouted at him and called him a burden - which was not my finest moment.

But i just cant cope with him anymore.

Was i AIBU?

For what its worth - my mum tried to help him before me, but he was very verbally aggressive to her when he stayed there, left lots of mess and ate all the food without contributing

His plan is to leave his current flat, go on JSA and persue his dream of being an actor. (he did an acting course twice at college and quit because he didnt like the coursework) he also writes and stand up, but cant take criticism.

I dont paint him welli know, but he can be a great, gentle funny generous man, just does not seem to have a concept of being an adult.

Ninon there are plenty of people who stick out tough jobs with depression because they have to

What a load of tripe. I've lost so many jobs due to my mental health, including when that has meant I lost my home too. It's horrible and frightening and meant things affected me far longer than they needed to.

However... That doesn't explain why he can't manage to claim benefits and keep hold of a rented room. Or why he'd randomly decide to move towns and expect family to pay. Or why he doesn't appear in any way to be trying to help himself...

Please do not lump people who can't hold down a job due to mental health issues with this manchild.

YANBU, but... he's clearly mentally ill. The depression is real and everything you are describing appears to be classic symptoms of the illness. The recklessness, the gambling, the lack of motivation, the hopelessness. He is taking risk after risk in search of the elusive "something" that he is looking for. Gambling because he thinks he'll make money. Moving town and wanting to become an actor, it's gambling in another way.

It's not your responsibility and I'm glad you are aware that calling him "a burden" was wrong - it certainly won't have helped him, and you neither. It is difficult to help someone who doesn't want to be helped though.

Really it's your call as to how far you let him slide. Are you happy to cut off all ties, are you prepared to see him homeless? Will you be able to accept the more serious consequences that untreated depression can bring? Your first responsibility is to yourself and your own mental and physical wellbeing. Only you can judge whether refusing to help him will be an improvement for you.

He needs to get treatment, get proper work and generally grow up. You've been more than fair in assisting him with these needs. It is understandable to get frustrated with him and you are perfectly within your rights to say "enough is enough".

Basically, you've tried the carrot so maybe it is time for the stick. But my gut feeling is that even if he has his "moment of clarity" and realises he needs to get his act together, he will still need your help in the medium term. You sound perfectly reasonable though and I am sure that you will be willing to offer more help if he is prepared to meet you half way (or even a quarter of the way).

Sounds like you really need to protect your mum from him moving back in. Can you and her sit down with him and make it crystal clear that, whilst you love him, he is NOT welcome to stay with either of you, even for 'just a few days'.

You are absolutely right to stop enabling him by bailing him out continuously - he may need to hit rock bottom before he pulls himself up but it's something he has to do himself.

Sometimes you have to let people fuck their own lives up sadly.

Nobody can be helped if they refuse to help themselves. My mom was an alcoholic and I tried for 10 years to help her. Arranged AA meetings, supported her etc, but she didn't want to stop, and used to tell people that I refused to help or support her (even though I was the only family member interested in helping - everyone else had given up on her). I eventually had to just leave her to her own devices. She literally drank herself to death after another 10 years.

The only way he has any chance of standing on his own feet is if he's forced to do it. Even then he may not, but that's his problem.

And as someone who does extra work in movies - unless you live in London close to the studios, and get loads of work (unlikely), you can't make a living from it. I have friends who do, but they live next to Pinewood Studios so don't have travel/accommodation costs etc. Unless you 'make it big' (unlikely), then you need a 'day job'

And I've been on medication for depression as well, so I'm not unsympathetic to him, but he shouldn't use that as a crutch.

It's very noble of you, but at the end of the day, bailing him out is not helping him at all. You're both losing out. When will it stop, when he's eaten up your life savings and still not sorted himself out? He is taking advantage of you, cut him off, be there to offer advice and practical support but that's it. then you'll find out if he's only using you for the money anyway!

The issue with the homeless is it is self inflicted. He has a room now. He is the one who would rather leave than work to pay rent.
If he lives with my mother or i he would not leave. He would prefer to be 'kept"

When he got the loan with his friend he told me after the fact. I suggested he use the money for 6 months rent. He said he needs to go to Florida for his mental health. As it stands he has no spending money for that trip next month.

I would support him emotionally if i could but i dont know how. He saya what he thinks you want to hear then does something else

Of course you shouldn't feel guilty. You bailing him out constantly isn't helping him. He needs to stand on his own two feet for a change.

You've done him a favour. Walking away offers him his only opportunity to learn to sort himself out.

If you don't cut him off now he will be like this for the rest of his life.

You are giving him an opportunity to succeed in life by stopping him sponging. It is up to him if he decides to take it.

Nothing to stop you offering verbal encouragement and the odd meal

Your financial support is not helping him- letting him find his own independence is the right thing to do.

When he got the loan with his friend he told me after the fact. I suggested he use the money for 6 months rent. He said he needs to go to Florida for his mental health

Is he always gambling and that reckless with money or does he go through phases?

I'm not a Doctor but the reckless spending is a classic bi-polar sign. Has that diagnosis (or similar) ever been suggested?

Somehow, someone has given him the idea that he has the talent/looks/charisma (whatever) to be a successful actor. It is probably time to spell out some home truths - if he was so gifted, he'd be working in the industry. His desire to be a famous actor brings with it a sense of entitlement that is completely disproportionate to the reality of the situation. You are not obliged to support him until he gets his "Big Break". Continuing to do so will feed this pattern of entitlement and lack of responsibility. Don't give him money for his trip. If he can't prove that he has enough spending money when he arrives in the America, it is quite likely that he will be put on a plane and returned immediately. This is called a consequence and this is what adults anticipate and have to live with.