Should we apologise to our neighbours?

[isthishouseamidden]

DH and DS have been poorly this week. DH has horrid cough, DS has slept really badly. Both have had antibiotics from doctor. Last night DS (16m) woke up at least every half hour and on occasion was inconsolable. We have tried to do whatever we can. DH and I taking turns to sit up for hours with DS etc. DH sleeping In the attic room with door shut. I appreciate that this must have been bad for our neighbours too (semi-detached) and I feel bad.

However, around midnight last night our neighbour ( single man and his elderly mum) started shouting and swearing abuse about the noise through the wall. This would have been the time he got home from the pub and he is known for drinking heavily. We've heard his rants before but they have not been directed at us. (He has a hate, hate relationship with his wheels bin...)Up now we've had an ok relationship with them but not close. The lady is a recluse who we've not met although we have exchanged letters. The man has a very poor relationship with the neighbours on the other side. He is normally pleasant enough when we bump into him in the street but is hugely passive aggressive.

DH thinks we should put a note through the door saying sorry. ( we've done this before with a piece offering of cake, but only because we've felt guilty. Not because they have brought it up). With a young family we do make more noise than them.

I'm in two minds however, will it draw attention to the neighbours rant? Or condone his behaviour? Or is it best to apologise for disturbing him and hopefully he'll be more tolerant next time? The

WWYD

No don't apologise- that validates his outburst.

No. No need. He on the other hand... has a lot to apologise for.

Actually just thought, is foodtime your neighbour?!

I'll play the devils advocate here - I live next to a couple with 2 young kids and they are horrendously, obnoxiously noisy. Constant thumping and banging from the minute we all get home to 10pm at night it's relentless.

On one hand, I'm irritated at my neighbours and don't like them because they have never showed us any kind of consideration (although the more I type this I more I realise this isn't like your situation at all really)

If they ever posted a sorry note through my door I'd be a lot less inclined to dislike them, as it would show they're actually aware of their kids being extremely noisy.

But as you've already posted a sorry note I'd leave it!

Had he not shouted through the wall I'd have said a quick apology in passing just to be polite, but seeing as he is now guilty of being noisy/annoying too I wouldn't bother

I would apologise to the elderly lady - in person, not to him, or by letter - to be honest a letter leaves an audit trail and if he gets antsy and involves the council in noise-abatement (unreasonable, yes I know, but he does not exactly sound like a reasonable man) etc - he can show that you knew you were being noisy.

The only person who should be apologising is him. Tbh the only way i might say something is if the neighbours brought it up first

i.e.
Him 'Sorry about last night I had a bit too much to drink and it was unacceptable'
cue you 'Don't worry about it, we're having a difficult week with illnesses and I'm sure you can understand children have a difficult time when they're ill hopefully it will end soon'

or
Him 'Will you shut your damn kids up on a night'
You: My kids are ill, children have a hard time expressing themselves when they're ill and struggle but drunken idiotic adults have no excuse, here's some earplugs'

Literally no excuse for his behaviour he can be upset (of course children can be hard sometimes) but just keep it to himself and respect how bloody hard it must be for the parents...or get ear plugs

I would never apologise to a disgusting person swearing at my ill child.

Yes apologise. Not that you are in the wrong, but just so it makes you the better person. I can imagine your family noise may have been annoying, but that rant (from your neighbour!) was rude and unnecessary...

Definitely don't apologise. Don't escalate the noise or make smartarse comments either. Just ignore him and live your lives.

I have a neighbour who shouts at people about noise - usually in the summer when people are in their gardens or have their windows open. We've all had it. Everyone except him is very considerate and these are the normal sounds of people living their lives. I suspect some people might find it boring round here .

Unfortunately he is an aggressive bully. He may have substance abuse or mental health issues but I don't see that as a reason to curtail reasonable behaviour.

He was the one doing the drunken shouting.
Youz were not making noise on purpose, clog dancing or playing the bagpipes.

What EatTheChocolateTeapot said.

YABabitU

I live in a terracced house and I accept that I am going to hear noise from the neighbours, just as they will hear noise from us ... but if for any reason one or other of us makes a lot of noise above and beyond normal and expected living noises we make an effort to either let them know it is going to happen and apologise for the upcoming disruption (if it's something like building work that is pre-planned) or apologise as soon as we realise something is getting beyond normal neighbour noise (like a sick child, inconsolably crying at midnight after a week of above normal noise due to illness) because we acknowledge that whilst it can't be helped, it doesn't mean that it isn't both annoying and disturbing to the neighbours to have to suffer through it as well.

Also, I can kind of see how after coming back after a few drinks in the week they've had to put up with excessive noise from next door someone could "snap" and shout ... he's put up with disturbed sleep, extra noise that he can do nothing about whilst potentially also having to carry on at work and look after his mum and he just wants to have one good night's sleep ... to get home to find that the neighbour's child is already crying and he's in for yet another disturbed night and he's had enough and has just needed to scream about it.

He was unreasonable to scream abuse in the middle of the night, but I can understand why he might have reached that point and I think, if you've had a decent enough relationship with him so far, it doesn't do any harm to pop a note in acknowledging the disruption and apologising.

"Hello Upset Neighbour and Elderly Mum,

As I'm sure you've gathered we have been rather poorly this week and so unfortunately there will have been a bit more noise from our side than usual. Last night was particularly bad and we did hear, through the wall, that you were upset by the noise. There is very little we can do regarding our ill health but we are doing the best we can to minimise the disruption, unfortunately that wasn't enough last night and I would like to apologise for that.

Hopefully we will be better soon and things will return to normal, until then I want to thank you for your understanding and patience."

If I was on speaking terms with the neighbours, I'd probably say something about the kids being ill and apologise for the extra noise. But I wouldn't put a note through in these circumstances. He sounds dreadful and I don't think an apology would achieve anything except to make him feel justified in his behaviour.

No. Don't apologise it can't be helped.

I have really bad asthma and one particular bad chest infection last year my neighbours shouted "shut up!" through the wall. As if I wasn't trying to
I've not slept properly all week and been up most of the night with this horrible cough virus / chest infection thing. I do tend to try and take myself out the way of adjoining walls through if I'm really struggling. The other night I got up and came downstairs at 4am just to wash the pots and get DCs uniforms and breakfasts ready just so I weren't keeping the DCs and the neighbour awake.
Same neighbour was having a screaming match with her teenage DC at 2am a few days prior so they would have been hypocritical to tell me to stfu again.

If he was passed he might not even remember ranting (or the noise). I wouldn't say anything unless he brings it up.

Drunk, not passed!