.... to not fully understand what some OPs are expecting from their threads?

[PacificDogwod]

I may not be entirely sure what I am expecting from this one, mind

I mean the threads about situations in which the answer depends entirely on your unique circumstances, like 'From what age would you leave your DC alone at home?' - depends on the child/length of time left/access to adult help if needed etc etc.
Or the recurring theme of builders and their toiletting needs (alone at home with young child in scary neighbourhood with unknown tradesman? Or known builder, other adults in the house, easy access to downstairs cloakroom? - totally different)
Or private vs state education - depends on what schools are available where you are, depends on the child, depends on deeply personal preferences.
Or, one of my favourites, 'Am I pregnant?' - 'Love, how on earth would we know. Go POAS, and repeat in a week if no AF forthcoming'.

I accept that MN and other forums would be half empty if there were no threads without clear answers, and I am fully prepared to be told IABU

I suppose I find it baffling that so many people seem to struggle to trust their own judgement: you are worried about leaving your DC unsupervised at home, well, don't. And I think there is a subtle difference between asking 'From what age did you let your DCs alone at home?' and 'From what age do you think my DC can stay alone at home?'

Just musing.
Waddaya think?
Are we less confident in our parenting/other choices than people used to be??

The ones that really get me are "my DH doesn't work as they don't want to, so I work 50 hours a week, do all the shopping, cleaning, cooking and domestic admin. I also pay for after school club and collect kids on the way home. DH takes the kids to school after I've got them all up, fed and dressed mon-fri but now says I should also drop off the kids in the morning to school as I'm going out anyway and he wants to sleep in as he doesn't go to bed til 4am due to playing an online game he's really into. AIBU to say no?"

JUST FUCK OFF. YOU ARE EITHER A GOADY TWAT, A TROLL, OR KNOW FULL WELL YOU ARENT BU - TELL YOUR DH TO FUCK THE FUCK OFF.

OP: I had sex with two men three days apart - WHICH IS THE FATHER??

Everyone: DNA test.

OP: More and more detail about the timings and sex positions and split condoms.

Everyone: Yeah, still a DNA test.

The main reasons I think people start threads:

• they expect and need everyone to agree with them and tell them how great they are
• they want to casually show off how rich/posh they are ("My husband says we should only buy our children a secondhand car when they pass their test, I think we should get them a new one")
• they just want to start a fight

There's also the "chuck and run" person who throws open a question then leaves the thread altogether.

"Or private vs state education - depends on what schools are available where you are, depends on the child, depends on deeply personal preferences."

Well, no. Plenty of people believe in one of the two types in any circumstances.

I think often people post before making decisions (esp relationship etc) because they know the answer (yes, they must LTB), but it's just a process/dialogue they need to go through to get to that point. They're fleshing out their options and a anonymous forum is a pretty good place, less bias than asking a friend and sometimes less judgement.

roundtable makes a great point. I came to mn 10 yrs ago bc I lost my first dd and stuck my head in the sand when dd2 was born in case she died, and then I needed a lot of help re:feeding sleeping. I was still in shock having 2 dds in one year, I just needed the anonymity of an online forum.

I stayed bc I grew up in a dysfunctional environment. Mn showed me how (and how not) to parent.

Latterly, mn gave me the courage to fight for a diagnosis for my dd of ASD, when everyone just wanted to pick apart my parenting.

Mn have given me a lot ... but also a bit of an internet addiction

What imip just said. I do think on the "should I LTB" threads, what we actually see is posters who do know what they need to do: they just need to psyche themselves up to do it, like a young child wanting to jump from the trampoline for the first time and just in need of a little encouragement.

People are scared. They are scared of the unknown, they are scared of changing the status quo, they are scared of seeming unable to cope, they may even be scared of repercussions from an abusive ex; they may actually need more than 5 minutes- or more than one thread on MN- before they can steel themselves for the plunge. And they may need a lot of encouragement.

Which I, for one, am usually happy to give.

I joined MN years ago with a specific AIBU relationship question and genuinely expected to be told that I was being unreasonable because I was in such a controlling relationship that I couldn't see it. The overwhelming response was to LTB and to run for the hills and I was astonished. I didn't leave at that time but the words stuck with me and made me realised how distorted my thinking was.

Also at that time, everyone seemed really kind and there wasn't any interrogation on my story. Maybe it was a simple story and didn't need any further explanation. I do remember arguing that I was being unreasonable. I think very fondly of the advice I was given as I would never have asked anyone in RL who all thought that my ex was wonderful.

YANBU OP.

The medical ones do my head in. Eg: my DS has just fallen down the stairs,, he is unconscious and there is a bone sticking out of his leg. WIBU to take him to A&E or do you think he will be ok until I take him to the GP on Monday?

School ones can be similar: My DD has told me her teacher said no to her today. She cried all the way home and is still sobbing in her bedroom. WIBU to complain to the head and governors as they should know that we don't ever use the 'no' word to our child - it could limit her horizons.

I admit both extreme and stupid but I've read threads on here not far off.

Pacific Should I leave my 3 year old DS with a Komodo dragon as baby sitter while I nip to the shops for a packet of fags?

Clearly depends on the maturity of your Komodo dragon Derxa - can he do his own laundry and use the toaster?

in the olden days we'd have had mum across the road, a million sisters, cousins, aunties and friends all living down the street - we could canvass a wide range of opinion from lots of sources without going further than the corner shop. Nowadays, with families wide-spread, parents having to work until they drop so not around as much, smaller families so less sisters/cousins... who DO you ask when you want opinions? Or even, just to chat...

He's a feminist Somerville. Of course he can. Although I don't trust his tongue one bit. Just a feeling.

YANBU OP, I don't understand why anyone would take the advice of a stranger of the internet and live their life using this advice. I wonder about people not having the confidence in what decisions they make - why do you need validation of your decision by a stranger? the advice here isn't neutral either - its very biased and doesn't represent RL in any way, shape or form.

So much of it is the need for social or cultural acceptance.

I've seen a lot where it's "my DS/DD is feeling poorly - would IBU just to put films on today and stay inside?" That to me is about needing reassurance that it's socially or culturally OK and not abnormal or something.

Anything where the OP feels they are being lazy - they may come on here and seek some sort of reassurance that they aren't lazy.

Or anything where you feel a bit guilty. I posted one not too long ago where I asked for reassurances that I didn't need to go to MIL's house just because DH was taking DS. I got some differing opinions there but in my heart of hearts what I really wanted was for people to tell me I wasn't being lazy by not going. Because I felt lazy.

We all want acceptance and this is a good place to find it. Which I think is why people go off the rails a bit when they are told they are being unreasonable. They didn't want to hear that.

The "am I pregnant?" questions - in the very early stages you can't really talk about it apart from to people very, very close to you who you can trust to keep it quiet. Going online is the way of shouting it from the rooftops without actually doing it. I understand those threads. All those women who post them know they can find out by doing a test, they just want to talk about it.

If he's a feminist then why did you even need to ask Derxa

Not everyone has the luxury of friends on tap to discuss things with,some people are lonely and this is a link with the outside world,somewhere they can get a bit of perspective.nothing wrong with that ..

It is quite baffling that people are quite happy taking advice from random strangers on the internet about all sorts of things.

Steeples fingers and looks intently at OP.

So, what exactly were you hoping to get out of this thread?

Sorry, couldn't resist!

And to be serious for a moment, definite yes to asking a question on here as a way of discussing something it's hard to talk about IRL for whatever reason, rather than because one actually trusts MN opinion more than one's own.

But looking back I don't think I'm ever clear that this is my motivation when I start a thread, even to myself.

at the feminist Komodo dragon, I will definitely be wanting his opinion on more AIBU threads

people just want advice sometimes, even if its totally obvious they wont take it , or know the answer really but just want someone else to say ' yes, thats a good idea / not a good idea'
Thats why i love reading people;s answers, some are just genius with help they provide. i often wonder if people do take the good advice or if they just do what they think is right anyway!
As roundtable said, there is so much more than we read too - not everyone has family or friends they can rely on for help anymore - most people are only interested in themselves i find anyway!

The ones I always struggle with are the AIBU threads that get posted where it becomes very clear, very quickly that the OP isn't saying "AIBU?" they are really saying "I am right, agree with me" ... and anyone who doesn't will get either a torrent of abuse/told they are being rude or horrible or unhelpful/totally ignored.

It's one thing to post and genuinely think that you are in the right but why, when the entire thread is saying you are in the wrong, not be willing to accept that perhaps you are wrong or there might be a chance that you are not 100% right and might need to take a little bit of the blame? Why post in a forum where the answer can be Yes or No when you only want to hear one of the answers?

OP: AIBU?
Everyone: Yes!
OP: But AIBU?
Everyone: Still Yes
OP: No I'm not!

Also the ones where the OP posts then ignores the clarifing questions every single poster has asked, as the question is impossible to answer without it, and then just disappears leaving everyone hanging, or even worse, comes back and answers a tangient question that maybe one person has asked, but not the key question everyone has asked.

OP: AIBU to let my DC walk the 100m to school alone?
Everyone: Depends, how old are the DCs? I might let older kids walk that distance alone but I'd walk with younger kids.
One poster: Depends whether you live in a buys city or a small village
OP: We live in a small town, and the school is off a resiential street but obviously at school run time it can be very busy.
Everyone: Yes, but HOW OLD ARE YOUR DCs?!
OP:

I posted a "what age would you leave your child" thread today.

I genuinely wanted to know at what age people had done so. I don't believe it depends on unique circumstances at all, but I was called out in the thread for what other people having done being irrelevant so....

I do know I frequently want to reply "It's a baby- what did you expect??