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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To insist on keeping the dc tonight despite it's being ex's weekend

23 replies

financialiasco · 25/02/2017 10:10

We share care about 60/40 to me, but ex quite often needs me to take the dc on his weekends due to gigs (he's a wannabe musician).

This week the dc got back to mine on Weds and told me "We're with you this weekend as dad has a gig." I think that's downright rude - he didn't even ask/tell me, and if I'd been unable to (unlikely) they would have felt messed around. I texted him to clarify and he confirmed it - no please or thank you. Part of me was irritated - I work a lot on his weekend (teacher), but I had nothing social planned and mainly felt pleased to be getting more time with the dc.

So we agreed I'd drop them at his first thing Sat am as usual, he would bring them back to me at 3pm when he leaves fro his gig (in another city) and pick them up 'some time on Sunday morning (this bit is irritating as he won't commit to a time as he wants to see what time he wakes up.) He would then keep them Sunday night (usually brings them back to me at teatime), leaving me time to work on Sunday and saving me having to pay my unofficial childminder on Monday morning.

So I adjusted my plans accordingly - stayed up late chatting with a friend online last night and this morning the dc got up earlier than me and watched tv. Usually when they are going to his I make sure I go to bed early and get up with them to spend a bit of time with them before taking them to his.

Then this morning when I dropped them off he said casually 'Oh, the gig is cancelled now so I'll keep them tonight." I'm pissed off beyond belief and just feel totally messed about by him. I said you could have told me and he said he only knew last night - so if he'd told me immediately I could have adjusted sooner. I was on the spot but asked if we could just keep it as agreed for this weekend. He agreed, but I don't know how happy he is about it. I don't want to antagonise him as our decree nissi has just come and my solicitor is about to send him the financial stuff he has agreed to, so I don't want anything to jeopardise that, but I feel like he totally takes me for granted and thinks nothing of messing me around - and the dc too. He is reliable in the week (thank goodness) but wants his cake and eat it at weekends.

If he rings later and tries to insist on keeping them tonight, wibu to say no?

OP posts:

Lilacpink40 · 25/02/2017 10:13

What would the DC prefer to do and what is he likely to have told them?

MuttsNutts · 25/02/2017 10:14

What do the DC want to do?

I know it's annoying but don't get them caught up in the two of you squabbling over who has them.

Lilacpink40 · 25/02/2017 10:14

BTW I agree he's messing you about, just wonder what DCs think.

NancyDonahue · 25/02/2017 10:14

The dc's come first. You should let them decide. I can understand your frustration though.

QuackDuckQuack · 25/02/2017 10:21

I agree with doing what your DC would prefer this weekend. But after that you need to set some ground rules that stop him from messing you and the DC about. Whether it is swapping full weekends instead of you being used as an unpaid babysitter when he is meant to have them or saying that plans in place by Wednesday of that week need to be stuck to.

He definitely shouldn't be using you on his weekends to get lie ins.

MrsTwix · 25/02/2017 10:23

To be clear where I am coming from I'm a step parent of a child with 2 homes.

I think you need to make time and space to have a chat with him, keep it as friendly as you can, maybe meet in a coffee shop or something, and say to him that you are happy to have them when he is working, but you would appreciate him checking with you before he tells the children, and you would appreciate him letting you know of any changes immediately rather than waiting until he sees you. He can text you, it doesn't take long.

When I met my (now) husband I thought it was odd that he talks with DSD mum on the phone but now I realise why he does and why it's so important that they have good communication.

As for tonight, I think you should let them go to his if they want to. It's not about you, or him, it's about what is good for them. He was unreasonable to mess you around, but using the children as punishment is wrong wrong wrong.

Plans change, he needs to communicate better, and you need to be flexible.

Frazzled2207 · 25/02/2017 10:25

Agree he's been twatish.
I think you just need to ask them. Presume it is less hassle all round if they just stay with him, if they're ok with that.

Next time he is supposed to have them for a weekend, suggest you tell him you have fixed plans (whether you do or not) that means he has to do what is agreed

ChasedByBees · 25/02/2017 10:27

I would have done the same as you. Whilst it's about what the children want, in the long term, they want consistency and that means letting your ex know he can't change plans at the minute.

ChasedByBees · 25/02/2017 10:27

(Last minute)

ItWentInMyEye · 25/02/2017 10:28

He has messed you about, but this once I'd let the DC do what they'd prefer. Then speak to him about the kids needing to know when they'll see their dad, it isn't fair to chop and change as it suits him. You have my sympathies though, my ex tries to 'opt out' of parenting as and when it suits him. It boils my pee but I don't let my DS know obviously.

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 · 25/02/2017 10:30

Stop ferrying the dc around for him. . . Make plans if you usually would and let him fit around your lives. . You are prepared to make regular plans with the dc and they will appreciate the stability. . He will have to fit into that.

ChrisYoungFuckingRocks · 25/02/2017 10:43

And our exes wonder why they are our exes...

ThisIsNotMyName99 · 25/02/2017 10:51

Disagree that you should let DC decide. In our house, I am in charge and as a parent I decide what happens. I think you should take their feelings and preference into consideration but you decide.

I have been annoyed many times by my DSC offered choices by their mother that shouldn't be theirs to make eg. They were asked and didn't want to go to daddy. At times when circumstances were different for them it was easier to stay with mum bit what they needed was routine. If they had been told not asked it would have avoided hours of weepy kids.

BonnyScotland · 25/02/2017 10:53

yes yes we all know it's all about the kids... but seriously.. he's taking the bloody P*ss....

LucklessMonster · 25/02/2017 10:54

I'd stop being so accommodating, full stop. If he has a "gig" so what? His children come first, and he should decline. I would develop a hobby that you commit to on each of his weekends, so you can no longer change plans.

MrsTwix · 25/02/2017 10:56

I totally agree parents are in charge but it can be a parents decision to let them decide on this occasion. I'm not saying they should decide everything every time.

QuiteLikely5 · 25/02/2017 11:05

I would let them stay as the previous plan sounded a bit much to me! To yours - to dads - back to yours- back to dads..................

That's not beneficial for any child to do that many swaps in the weekend.

Children benefit from structure and routine. Not being passed around like some toy

I don't know how much notice he gets for a gig so I can't comment as to whether he's being unreasonable or not. I expect his finances benefit the kids so is be inclined to support his work

Original poster

financialiasco · 25/02/2017 12:58

*Children benefit from structure and routine. Not being passed around like some toy

I don't know how much notice he gets for a gig so I can't comment as to whether he's being unreasonable or not.*

I honestly think those two paragraphs contradict each other. What you appear to be saying is that it's ok for him to mess them around if he doesn't get much notice for a gig, but if I try and stick to an arrangement that I agreed to at his request, I am treating them like toys . It doesn't matter how much notice he had - he didn't tell/ask me until I asked him having been told by the dc that he had told them. Then he withheld from me the crucial detail that it had been cancelled.

Tbh, I have had similar threads on here before, and am also drawn to other threads about this topic and it appears that posters are always saying that the dc should decide, and I really don't understand why. There is a good chance that they may hold different opinions from each other and, more importantly, they, especially ds1 who is ridiculously
empathetic and sensitive and always has been, may think about our feelings and not want to upset either one of us. I only ever say positive things about the time they spend with their dad. I'm not sure he can say the same, but anyway the dc know they are loved and they certainly know I/ he love spending time with them. On the other hand, I think ds2 would probably plump for his dad's because he gets unlimited screen time there .

Anyway, once I knew they were going to be at mine, we made plans for tonight. Nothing major - watching The Voice, a favourite meal etc, but they are plans. I actually don't think it's ok to teach dc that it's ok to drop people and plans at the last minute as a matter of course. Of course, emergencies/ special circumstances can occur, but just being disorganised and messing people about is something I want to discourage - their dad has always been shit for it.

I don't want to say I'm never available on 'his weekends' because I like the extra time with them. However, I love the ide above about saying plans can't be changed after Wednesday - think I'll go with that in future.

OP posts:

Penhacked · 25/02/2017 13:07

Yep, a cut off is the way to go. That forces him to be more organised and think ahead. It will be a learning curve I guess, being apart.

tomatoplantproject · 25/02/2017 13:07

Can he not get a babysitter when he has a gig? Xh knows I won't be messed around like this and has the numbers of all my babysitters if he needs to go out when he has dd.

It has taken a bit of training to get to this point.

Original poster

financialiasco · 25/02/2017 13:17

Yes - a learning curve, but we've been apart 2.5 years! I suppose he's learnt he can do what he wants and I'll always jump at the chance to have more time with the dc.

I expect his finances benefit the kids so is be inclined to support his work just noticed this and nearly snorted up my coffee! He pays nothing for the children except the food they eat when with him. He has texted me asking for more pants for ds1 and when I dropped them off today he was all set to ask me to drive the 20minutes back to mine and then back to his to get some jogging bottoms for a class ds2 had this morning, rather than him paying £7 for some in the Tesco that is 2 minutes from his house. He found some in the end, otherwise I would have had to buy more.

OP posts:

AmysTiara · 25/02/2017 13:19

I agree with you. He's the one altering plans to suit himself so he's hardly thinking about his kids.

Lilacpink40 · 25/02/2017 16:40

So you keep checking as you want to see a thread where DCs aren't asked for opinions?

I have empathy for your situation as I have issues with my exH, but I don't understand this point.

Despite being messed around by their dad my DCs still want and need to see him. I have a high degree of honesty with them (age appropriate), but I know that their relationship with him isn't my relationship with him.

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