Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

in expecting my daughter not to be yelled at by a mother of her friend?

54 replies

lou33 · 01/03/2007 20:43

dd1 just called a friend to ask something about her homework

her mum answered, and before she got a chance to ask for her friend the woman shouted at her to stop phoning as they were having dinner, and hung up!

dd1 hadnt called before, and she walked in to me in tears

give me a reason not to send a letter to this woman and say how dare she be so rude and not even wait to see who it was calling?

OP posts:
crystalpony · 01/03/2007 21:50

Understandable, but even more important to get the message across to dd that it may and probably was an error on the mothers behalf, to do anything other which may even hint that it was intentional towards her could make her feel even more victimised (for want of a better word).

crystalpony · 01/03/2007 21:53

If it was me I would probably phone back and just mention (all light hearted like!) what had gone before..and then give the opportunity for an explanation.

Original poster
lou33 · 01/03/2007 21:53

it was the first thing i said

then i offered to call back, to which she said no through her tears

then i offered to write the note, which she has agreed to

OP posts:
crystalpony · 01/03/2007 21:54

Well if she's happy with that I say fair enough

Original poster
lou33 · 01/03/2007 21:54

i wont call back because i think it will put her immediately on the defensive, and she would probably just hang up again

OP posts:
Caligula · 01/03/2007 21:55

I think I'd wait a couple of days as well Lou.

A letter explaining how upset your DD was, is probably going to have a much more salutory effect on this woman than a challenge to account for her behaviour. If you challenge people, they tend to rise to it. If you explain to them why what they've done has been hurtful and damaging in a calm and neutral way, they have time to think about it and shudder at their behaviour.

This woman doesn't know your DD has been having a hard time. She may not know how to behave. She may be having a hard time herself, or just be pre-menstrual or have just had a row with her DD. She may even now be feeling a bit bad about how she spoke to your DD. A note which puts her on the spot, may not get the result you want.

Caligula · 01/03/2007 21:57

btw in answer to your original question, no of course you're not being unreasonable!

Original poster
lou33 · 01/03/2007 22:02

i dont expect her to know about dd1's problems, but i do expect her to have some kind of bloody manners

we all get cold callers, we all get fed up, me included but i dont shout without knowing who i am shouting at, and as i said, given teh fact that dd called her by her first name, before she started, then she would have been aware that this was not a cold sell

asking for her pov is hardly challenging either imo

just as well i am off overnight tomorrow or i will be taking dd round and knocking on the door

i can be quite scary where my kids are concerned

OP posts:
quanglewangle · 01/03/2007 22:07

Couple of days is too long - not fair to raise the dust again after it has settled.

You need to act (if you are going to) sooner than that but preferably not so quick that it is a knee jerk reaction.

Say tomorrow morning. You may be able to be a bit more casual, less confrontational by then.

That's my view anyway, but have to admit I probably would just leave it, ineffectual coward that I am.

Original poster
lou33 · 01/03/2007 22:13

i have said to dd that if she still wants me to question her actions in the morning, then she should pass the letter on, if not she can throw it away, and keep reminding herself that this woman is the idiot, not her

OP posts:
quanglewangle · 01/03/2007 22:14

Good approach to take.

Original poster
lou33 · 01/03/2007 22:22

thanks!

OP posts:
LucyLemon · 01/03/2007 22:31

I like your approach Lou but will your daughter pass the note on even if she still feels bad in the morning?
I'd feel that the mother had got away with being a cow and would probably pick up the phone myself. How about a little white lie and say innocently to this woman:
'Did x (my daughter) and x (her daughter) fall out on the phone earlier...only she has been in tears all evening and won't tell me why. I can only imagine it was something to do with the phone call she made at (whatever o clock). I hate to phone about such a trivial matter but she has had such a hard time lately and I do worry about her as she is such a sensitive soul...blah blah blah'.
I wonder what she might say to that?

Or would that be taking it too far?
I despise people getting way with being shits! And this way, you can come out of it smelling of roses!

hatwoman · 01/03/2007 23:09

I agree with Caligula. make her feel guilty not defensive.

Original poster
lou33 · 02/03/2007 09:43

well this morning she was unsure what she wanted me to do, as she was worried anything i say might sour the relationship between her and her friend.

after talking a bit more the decision was made to leave the note at home today, and for her to talk to her friend about it. THEN if she is not happy with the outcome she will handover the note on monday, although we could pop it through her door tomorrow when i am back home.

OP posts:
whiffywarthog · 02/03/2007 13:54

what happened?

Rhian101 · 02/03/2007 21:01

How was your dd today? Is it all sorted? I really hope that everything's worked out for her and she feels better.

SSShakeTheChi · 02/03/2007 21:04

If you don't want people phoning during mealtimes, take the phone off the hook or don't answer FGS.

Original poster
lou33 · 04/03/2007 19:02

well she asked the girl what was going on and the girl defended her mum and refused to acknowledge that she was rude and out of order

she was upset but she does have other friends so i told her to stop hanging about with her, and now i cant decide what to do, as she kind of wants me to act on it, but also wants to put it behind her.

maybe i should go up to the girl and scream at her and reduce her to tears , and see how they whine about respect of others then?

ugh @ these sort of dilemmas

i havent mentioned it to her since after school on friday, i went away with my bf that afternoon and we all went to a family party last night, so i didnt want it bringing her down, but i get the feeling she might say something to me before she goes to bed

OP posts:
Original poster
lou33 · 04/03/2007 19:03

can i just add that it wasnt a time you would assume families eat, as it was about 9.15 pm when she called

OP posts:
Carmenere · 04/03/2007 19:05

The girl is probably just embarrassed about her mums behaviour and has to justify it to herself. Actually that is what you should tell dd.

compo · 04/03/2007 19:06

tbh I would leave it and let the girls sort it out btw themselves. getting involved will probably make the whole situaton a lot worse

Original poster
lou33 · 04/03/2007 19:06

i did, but i still dont want her hanging out with brats and idiots

OP posts:
Original poster
lou33 · 04/03/2007 19:07

but it was the mother who was rude to my daughter

OP posts:
moondog · 04/03/2007 19:07

If they were busy,why did she answer anyway?
If it's inconvenient (which it is 95% of the time) I simply don't answer the phone.