to not go to my best friends party?

[LowFatMilkshake]

One of my best friends has arranged a really swanky suprise combined party for her DH for a milestone b'day and thier wedding anniversary - which is not 'milestone' one.

It's in a very grand location with a band etc etc. And she has made it black tie and ball gown.

I feel really bad for feeling like this - so does DH. But we have just had a baby, I am on maternity leave and money is tight. My figure is not brilliant and I have no dress to wear or money to buy or hire one, my friend has offered to lend me one - but I know it wont fit. DH is equally unhappy about buying or renting a tux!

Everyone who is going wil be in formal wear with hair and nails etc - the works. I feel if we managed to cobble something to go in between us we would look like the poor cousins and feel conspicuously underdressed.

Also my friend has arranged two babysitters to be at her house and everyone will leave thier children there - current no. of children excluding mine is between 8 and 11!
My baby has recently been in hospital for a breathing problem after feeding - we almost lost him it as so severe. I dont know these babysitters, and feel with such a large group of children my baby is likely to be left unattended for periods or where the other children can get at him - my friends DC is very cddly with him, but is rather ful on like all enthusiastic children and has a tendancy to smother him litterally as he cuddles him.

Our other option for childcare is our IL's which we have arranged for and they ahve agreed, but MIL has recently developed a few health problems and it would not be out of character for them to back out at the last minute.

Apart from worrying over what to wear and how to afford it. And who will have the children we would love to go. And it would really hurt my friend if we did'nt go. But I dont want to go and be uderdressed because I can only afford evening wear from my catalogue, which I am then stuck paying off for months, and I will not be going period if I have to leave the DC's with strangers - qualified or not.

I suggested to DH if we could'nt make it we could offer to take our friends out for a meal and make it up to them that way.

I wouldn't normally recommend lying to a friend, but if it would save her feelings from being hurt could you say you will attend and then have either you or your dh come down with a 24hr stomach bug at the last minute?

I agrre think I might get some sort of illness at last minute and cry off.

i'd say it was perfectly reasonable of you not to go, you have a lot of reasons that make it hard for you

if it's any consolation, my bf was in a similar situation recently, a long standing friend invited him to an upmarket bash, it was a masked ball, evening dress, and she had requested specific gifts from people (!)

he deliberated the pros and cons of going, the cost etc,before declining and came to spend it with me instead

and he doesnt have the added stress of finding childcare, so i dont blame you for not going

Why don't you tell her just what you've told us? Any friend worth her salt would be thrilled with the idea of you taking them out for a meal instead. I understnad completely how you feel and I actually avoided a wedding reception once for a similar reason. I think offering to take them out is a lovely idea. You shouldn't need to lie to a good friend and she should understand. Good luck x

When is the party, and when do you need to let her know?

I think the taking your friends out for a meal more than makes up for it. You wont get to see much of your friend anyway at the party and the meal will be a much more personal occasion.

I'd forget the party and dont feel bad about it.

I am so pleased to see that others can see my point of view.

I have already kind of mentioned to the friend that the IL's are not reliable and i thnk after the hospital stint she knows I would not leave my baby with anyone I dont know. Therfore crying off with a fake illness would be seen as just an excuse.

I realy care about this friend and I get on brilliantly withher family. She has done so much for us. Because of our situations I am always there for her for a chat or with an ear or shoulder, but can do little else - would if I could, but she is the one who is always there for me practically. So I absolutley dread telling her we wont be able to go, just the disapointment in her voice/face will make me feel utterly wretched!

Oh and the party has been planned for the best part of a year, and now there is just 4 weeks to go. wth the baby etc, it has come round so quickly!

IMO talk to her asap. Invite her round and explain. Let her get her disappointment out of the way, agree that if she's a good person she will understand totally. She would surely rather you not be there then be there worrying about how you're going to pay for your dress, your baby etc.

Once the dust has settled, you can discuss the exciting things about the night for her like her dress, the band etc. That way you are still involved, you just wont be there. And, as I've said before, she'll have so many people to get round speaking to that she wont even notice.

Your not being unreasonable atall... your priorities are with your baby and that is completely understandable... if she is really a friend she will completely understand... best of luck x

I agree with being honest, cost of living, you being on Mat leave you just can’t afford it right now. I’m sure on the day your friend won’t even notice as plenty will be there and you can celebrate together at a later date. Let her know sooner rather than later though

Could just you go and DH look after the kids? I don't think you have to worry too much about what you wear.

The party was in 2007...

Ok so the cost of living thing may not apply anymore but the rest are still valid excuses imho