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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to refuse to go on these 'family' days out?

51 replies

Springersrock · 23/02/2017 12:07

Just for a bit of background - Mil/step FiL live 20 minutes outside of London, 2 SiLs and 1 BiL live in London. We (me, DH, 2 DDs) live in Devon.

A couple of years ago MiL wanted us to go on a 'family' day out. We agreed in theory, depending when/where/etc. It turned out that said 'family' day out was an adults only piss up in London. Given the distance and the £££ involved, we decided not to go.

It was brought up again last year, but the date they had agreed clashed with something we already had on so we didn't go again

So, it's being discussed again. MiL has got really shitty that as we haven't been the last 2 years, we "have" to go

It's a right arse ache for us - given the distance, we'd have to stay up there for the weekend, find a baby sitter, someone to look after the dog and feed the cats.

I can't think of many things I'd like least than going on the piss round London, I wouldn't mind if we were sight seeing, but sitting in bars watching other people get pissed isn't on my top 10.

I work full time all week and quite like my kids so if I'm going to all that expense and effort, it will be to do something with my kids.

So I said no, suggested DH go on his own. He doesn't want to go either so the shit has hit the fan.

We visit them regularly, so it's not like they never see us, plus as half our family has been excluded anyway, so I don't think we're really being that unreasonable.

We've lived here for 12 years and in all that time none of them have never visited us so DH said perhaps they could come and see us for a change.

OP posts:
ArcheryAnnie · 23/02/2017 13:16

Invite them on a "family" day out to Devon, and then throw massive repeated strops when they decline. Sauce for the goose, etc.

Zaralara · 23/02/2017 13:17

Yanbu, couldn't think of anything worse.

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 23/02/2017 13:24

Tell her to get liver poisoning on her own.

Original poster
Springersrock · 23/02/2017 13:30

DH has been pretty firm with her already.

I think, and don't quote me on this, she didn't really approve of us moving here so this kind of stuff is a dig. We dared to move away so now we have to be the ones to do all the travelling and visiting.

Step-FiL isn't particularly kiddy friendly (he met MiL when DH, etc, were all grown up and had moved out and doesn't have any kids of his own. One SiL and BiL don't have kids and the one SiL who does have kids is divorced and they go to their dad's every other weekend so it's easier for them so we're the ones expected to make all the effort

OP posts:
Original poster
Springersrock · 23/02/2017 13:32

That last sentence is complete gibberish.

They see it that because it suits the majority, we just have to lump it

OP posts:
Tomorrowillbeachicken · 23/02/2017 13:34

Just don't engage with them at all. Saves lots of issues and MIL probably gets perverse pleasure from getting rise from you.

Huldra · 23/02/2017 13:35

What NoSquirrels said.and it does need to come from your husband.

One of my inlaws used to moan about not seeing the extended family together but would suggest it would be nice if plans were child free. Bit difficult when 4 out of the 6 couples had youngish childen. We would then get told it would be good for us to get away from the kids and laughed at for not using a babysitter because we were too precious.

I go away loads without my kids and enjoy a good piss up with my husband or friends. What they always suggested wasn't our idea of a family get together, if we did want to spend a couple of £100 on hotels, babysitters, beer and food it would be with my friends Grin

fuzzywuzzy · 23/02/2017 13:37

You live in Devon and they want to stay in London for a piss up?

I love Devon, I'm in London I'd be down visiting you like a shot instead.

YANBU.

I want to go to Devon now tho (and have cream teas...).

SanitysSake · 23/02/2017 13:40

Just be honest. Lay out all the reasons you've stated here, ask for some empathy and ask her to come up with suitable alternatives.

Put the ball in her court. I would SO be offloading the responsibility for a compromise on her. If all she gets from you is 'no we're not coming' she'll undoubtedly feel miffed and be able to recruit the sympathies of the others. If you put the onus on her to think of something that suits everyone; you'll no longer be the bad people saying 'no'. She has to then be creative - and inclusive!

As for current suggested 'event'. Sounds about as interesting as watching paint dry - so my sympathies! Grin

Ordinarily · 23/02/2017 13:42

Would they meet halfway for a day?

Original poster
Springersrock · 23/02/2017 13:42

What they always suggested wasn't our idea of a family get together, if we did want to spend a couple of £100 on hotels, babysitters, beer and food it would be with my friends

Yes, yes, yes!!!

If we're spending that much money, and going to all that effort with travel and dog/cat sitters and someone to look after the kids then it's going to be doing something we want to do.

Getting someone to look after the kids for an evening while we go out is totally different to us going away for a whole weekend.

My parents would have them (and the dog) but it pisses me off that MiL just expects it

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 23/02/2017 13:44

Its not a family day out as it does not involve all the family. You have various reasons why you cannot go to them.

Original poster
Springersrock · 23/02/2017 13:45

Sorry, crosses some posts.

No, they wouldn't agree to meet half way, I'll get DH to suggest it actually. Fair compromise on our part, safe in the knowledge they wouldn't agree Grin.

We've explained our position a million times but she's not sympathetic to it - should have thought of that before we moved here

OP posts:
EweAreHere · 23/02/2017 13:47

Don't engage. Let DH deal with her.

"Sorry, we won't be there. I hope you have fun."

Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

You don't owe them this. Just ignore them and don't feel bad.

Pinbasket · 23/02/2017 13:51

Could your DH be the one to liaise with MIL about not going? Then you can't be blamed so easily, and saves you even having to think anymore about it.

diddl · 23/02/2017 13:52

A day on the piss is a family day out?

On what planet??

Just say no!

scorpio1981 · 23/02/2017 13:54

DH is right; why don't they come down and have fun in the countryside? I live in Devon and its wonderful. Compared to the filthy shit-holes that so many of our cities are, Devon is glorious. It has wonderful coastlines, wooded valleys, high moorland and clean clean air. Even Exeter and Plymouth (well, maybe not Plymouth) are smallish by other city standards with lots of history and good eating places. Invite them down and let them pay for the hassle. A walk out on the moor on a clear day and they'll never forget it.

OliviaBenson · 23/02/2017 13:59

Sounds like you are being punished for having the audacity to move away!!

Anniegetyourgun · 23/02/2017 14:01

Are they aware that the West Country also contains pubs...?

NoSquirrels · 23/02/2017 14:02

Well, just cos it suits the majority, it doesn't suit you, and they're making no effort to help include you. So I wouldn't worry my head about it, and refer DH into offering reasonable compromises they'll all refuse. Sorted.

FurryLittleTwerp · 23/02/2017 14:03

MIL is already hacked off about it so why not drop hints that you might be going...

...and then cancel at short notice having had no intention of actually going in the first place ? Grin

might as well hung for a sheep & all that Shock

knowler · 23/02/2017 14:13

Easy to say, but please don't let this worry you - your MIL sounds like a complete PITA and all you need to say is exactly what you've told us: the travel, the babysitting, the dogs/cats, the expense, the clash with your event, the fact you don't want to go to bars in London getting pissed, the fact your kids aren't invited... Anyone half sensible would take this as a "no" and leave it there but I suspect your MIL will continue bugging you about it.

Not much practical help I know, but YANBU!

Frillyhorseyknickers · 23/02/2017 14:13

Definitely put your foot down, sounds like your DH is on your side so that's good.

I think in your shoes I would be thanking my lucky stars that there is no much distance between you, and they never visit. My PIL are 1.4miles away from us, and at times, it takes the patience of a saint and a shit ton of white wine

RebelandaStunner · 23/02/2017 14:16

Yanbu.
I wouldn't be going either.
And clever you for moving miles away.

Jaxhog · 23/02/2017 14:18

YANBU. I can't think of anything more boring or expensive. I would probably say something like 'spending an expensive and precious weekend away from my family, getting pissed is not my thing. Have fun, we're not coming'.

You are not the bad guys - they are. Ignore them.