To ignore family wishes and keep DD from visiting my dad?

[permanentlyexhaustedpigeon]

My Dad has early-onset dementia (have posted about this on the Elderly Parents boards) and a variety of neurological issues, which mean he lives in a specialist nursing home these days. His symptoms fluctuate quite a lot: on good days you can have a fairly normal conversation with him for a while, even if he's a bit forgetful; on bad days he has no idea who I am, hallucinates and wanders around a lot. His memory is badly affected and he can't often recall events in the recent past.

DD is 6, and last saw Dad before his admission to hospital. She is scared of 'Granddad acting weird', which is understandable, and I haven't taken her to visit him since he became ill, though I try to go both on my own and with DH as often as I can. The other residents of the nursing home can be extremely unpredictable, and while they're well looked after, I think the shouting, swearing and loud noises that occasionally happen would be hard for her to understand, never mind that Granddad would almost certainly be 'acting weird' even on a good day. (Because of his condition he is not allowed out of the nursing home unless accompanied by at least one carer)

Unfortunately, Dad has been saying repeatedly that he wants to see DD, that I never visit (I do) and he misses both of us terribly. Our other relatives are convinced that my taking DD to see Dad would make a massive difference to his wellbeing and that she 'won't have a problem' with it.

I really don't think it's a suitable environment for DD, nor do I think it will make a lot of difference to Dad in the scheme of things. Other family members disagree. AIBU?

Apologies first of all that it's taken me so long to reply. Thank you all for your thoughtful comments, even if some weren't easy and had me in tears!

Dad has Lewy Body syndrome which is very unpredictable and really does change on a dime. I have seen him on good days - where he is in a completely alternate reality but seems content - and bad days, where his hallucinations get weirder and he can fall at any time.

In isolation I've been really torn between guilt - am I pandering to DD's lack of empathy because she says she's scared? am I depriving Dad? am I projecting (not sure what, but the answer is probably yes)? why can't I just turn on the 'happy smiley Mummy' when all I want to do is cry my eyes out after a visit? - and the knowledge that Dad's condition is unpredictable, I have seen him at his worst and that the nursing home advise against it.

Having visited the nursing home on a particularly bad day for a lot of the residents, where one of them followed me round and shouted fairly explicit racist and sexist abuse to me when I arrived; another tried to throttle me (both incidents were dealt with very well by the carers, but quite scary when they happened), and Dad tried to climb the furniture, I now think there's no way I'll be taking DD into that situation.

There's no quiet room and everything is open; if and when the weather improves sufficiently I might ask if I can bring DD into the garden in a 'controlled' visit away from the other residents, but that's about it. I am sure I will be racked by guilt that I left it too late, but I have to prioritise DD's welfare, as hard as it is.

(Incidentally, we took DD to see DH's gran in her nursing home fairly regularly - she had Alzheimers, as did most of the other residents, and both parties were fine with it even though DD did get bored after a while!)

I remember as a child being taken to see my great nan, great aunt and my dad's cousin in Wales, who all acted weirdly, and it confused me but I hadn't known them be any different so I just accepted that was the way they were - now with the benefit of hindsight I know my great nan had dementia, my great aunt was schizophrenic and my dad's cousin was an alcoholic - but it must be confusing for your daughter who has known your dad to be well. However I would take her, because there may come a time when he's not there anymore and she is regretful that she didn't visit him. It is a hard one, but I think she will.understand, if you prepare her well, that the residents are poorly and it makes them act unpredictably.